MIL and FIL (trigger warning, about sexual assault)

[Choklitdoknut]

I really need some perspective because I have the rage.
When I was a teenager, my husband's step dad sexually assaulted me quite badly and before that he was really inappropriate for the first 2 years of our relationship. I've been with DH for over 10 years now. When it happened I was convinced by my DH not to do anything about it because his mum had told him they would lose their home, money,get into debt,have no friends and have to move. According to MIL it was my fault for how I dressed if it was even true. Anyway i ignored it for years and I had children and decided I couldn't stomach him anymore. I was constantly accused of "having a problem with him"and excluding him.
I brought it up with DH who cried and said he felt awful and doesn't know why he asked me to keep quiet and feels he was coerced by his mum. We decided to go NC with step FIL. He told his mum, he said we didn't want him discussing ever, the kids aren't to know about him in case they ask questions, and if he sees us in public to piss off.
She accepted this but said that she barely remembers what I accused him of and doesn't know what to believe. God I hate her. He also denies remembering and says he was drunk so whatevs.

This was 4 months ago. My MIL has since mentioned him quite a few times and has texted my husband to let us know he has the flu?? I don't give a shit!

She also has taken it upon herself to tell her mum and dad that we don't see FIL now because we don't like him. This is bullshit, IMO she should have asked us how we want to handle the grandparents because since this they've been really off with us.

Finally, yesterday I was driving to a restaurant with my son. I saw my mil at a junction and we locked eyes and he was with her. She then pulled up at the same small restaurant as me and my son. Obviously I couldn't go in.

AIBU to think she's being a dick and she's lucky I haven't gone NC with her??

Your DH has to stop worrying about "trouble" and start recognising the fact that his step-dad is a criminal who is, by the sounds of things, a serial predator on women.

If he's not prepared to do this, you need to take steps yourself. Why can't you contact your SIL without him?

Please speak to his sister and the police. The chances are hes done this many times :(

So your SIL was assaulted by him before you then pressured to say she lied? Is the niece you're now concerned for her DD? She must be worried for her too. Can you talk to her? If ever a situation justified NC this is it.

Seriously 'she barely remembers' BULLshit. If some one accused my DP of a serious sexual assault I'd remember every word. (As I was walking out the door)

@Choklitdoknut from what you've written this piece of scum is a serial abuser.

And the next time you are 'accused' of having a problem with him do a raised eyebrow and ask 'why wouldn't I have an issue with him after what he did to me?' and walk away.

Oh and the whole fault for how I dressed is so insulting to both women and men; as if a grown man can't control himself at the sight of a bit of women leg etc....

I'm confused, I assume you are talking about two different sister in laws?

Your husband has behaved very badly in this I have to say. It's not up to him who you talk to regarding this assault. I would tell the whole family and try and speak to his sister about the two of you speaking to the police together.

If his family decide to go non contact with you over the abuse you know that you have done the right thing as they are arseholes.

I would never feel safe having children meet the family as I would see the family as putting my children at risk with an abuser if I can't monitor the situation 100%

Police, you really need to. The niece needs protecting.

You want NC anyway so bugger any implications for family relationships, right?

Go to the police and make a statement about his assault on you. Tell them all about your SIL's claim and that you believe that she was pressured to retract her statement. This is a pattern of behaviour. You will at the very least be able to alert SS to him, his access to your niece and the fact that it may be the case that your SIL is unable to protect her due to family pressure :(

You could tell your SIL in advance that you are going to take this action - I would. Forget your DH - if he doesn't want to speak to her fine, you can - this happened to YOU and YOU can report all you like and YOU have the right within YOUR childrens' family to take action. She doesn't have to listen, but she might if you tell them that you're going to press charges and flag up FIL and you WILL be telling them about the historic claim from her and that you are concerned that she was pressured. Because he assaulted you and you believe that it's likely that her claim wasn't a lie. She may talk to you.

Above all, his behaviour needs exposing.

Please talk to the police or social services if you are worried about your niece. His wife’s behaviour makes him even more of a danger because she is making it easier for him.

Sorry, to clarify, the niece is FILs sisters child. My SIL doesn't have any children yet.
You're all right..i will speak to my SIL myself.
If I speak to the police can they record it without telling FIl?

If you go to the police maybe sil will go back and tell the truth this time? . Protect the dc in your family /wider family or you will feel pretty shit if he does anything else.

Another one saying you should go to the police, especially since your SIL went through the same thing. Your DH's response when it happened was appalling, and as for your MIL, what a horrible woman.

Definitely go NC after this.

If there's one thing I hate more than abusers, it's the people who assist them to continue to be abusers, by telling victims they're lying, to shut up about it or they'll ruin the abuser's life (!), that no one will believe them anyway, that they're only a silly child and they've made a mistake, or even actually procuring children for the abusers. These people, often but not always women, disgust me way more than the abusers because they could do something to stop it but won't. They'd rather allow the bastards to carry on their abuse than "lose them", or have them "lose face".
What kind of mentality do they have, really? That children's/girls' safety and autonomy rank lower than the bastard's "face"?

Beggars belief to me.

The bloody MIL needs locking up, imo, as well as the SFIL. She's enabling an abuser and can't be trusted with children, including her own GCs.

Police, talk to SIL and go NC, and I'd tell the GPs the reason you've done it too.

Talk to SIL, talk to police, go NC with both of them and tell the GPs why you have done so. Let everyone know what a disgusting pervert this guy is and MIL for facilitating it.

Will your DH go with you to the police and confirm that he was coerced by his mother into talking you out of it?

I'd want nothing to do with your MIL either and I'd be going NC and telling the grandparents that it's true you don't like FIL and explaing why. Do it for the niece as well as yourself.

If you are going to go to the police please do that before you speak to your SIL.

Don't let this man use the "They already discussed what to say" defences if your assaults were remotely similar.

I would go NC with your MIL in your shoes. People who don't protect their children from assault when they know they are in danger are just as guilty as those who commit it in my view - she persuaded her daughter to lie about it and then, presumably, has allowed this man to still have access to her child.

Good point lalalalyra