DH midlife crisis?

[HotCrossBun12]

NC'd for this. Poor DH has been struggling with his mental health. I have only been aware of this for 4 months or so, but he says that it has been building up for years. He is very good at keeping his feelings squashed down and not talking about them, which is why I was none the wiser for so long. He had two terrible bereavements in a quick succession a couple of years ago, and apparently things have just gone downhill ever since. He is now an emotional wreck, and I can't bear to see him so unhappy.

Over a few separate conversations, he has told me:

• he is deeply dissatisfied with his life, but he doesn't know what he wants to do to change it
• he has considered leaving me in the past
• he is not sure that he would get married again if he had the time again (we have been together 12 years, married for 1.5)
• he feels like he has not met his potential in life and has let himself down (he has a very good job and has done well for himself, but is bored)
• he has considered a 6 month relationship break (as somebody who recently read 'the break' by Marian Keyes, hearing that was like a punch in the stomach)
• he still loves me and hopes that we can work through this together

The great thing is that he has started seeing a therapist, which I 100% support, even though it is making a serious dent in our monthly budget.

The worst thing is, I am due to give birth to our first DC in 10 weeks. I have found pregnancy very difficult - physically and emotionally - and this feels like the worst timing. He keeps apologising for putting me through this, and I hate to see him full of self loathing for upsetting me.

I love him unconditionally, and until a few months ago I thought our relationship was solid as a rock. We got together when I was 20, so being with him is a huge part of my identity and personality, and I am now painfully aware that I am overly dependent on him. We don't have a huge friendship group, and I rely on him for emotional support, probably too much. The idea of being a single mother terrifies me.

Finally, I am so worried about the impact of all of this stress on my baby. I know that I need to toughen up for her sake, and stop myself from falling apart, but the truth is my heart is breaking.

Any advice would be appreciated.

What a horrible thing to drop in your lap. What does he expect you to do with that information?

What was he like before all of this? Are his parents/siblings around, and if so what sort of relationship does he have with them?

Please don't take this the wrong way but let me tell you what happened with a friend's husband about 10 years ago...

He was 28, married for 2 years and about to have his second daughter (the first was about 18m old). He was in a good job and earned well. They were 'happily' married, an attractive family that owned their own home etc. On paper they were the family that everyone would envy.

Then he told his wife he was thinking of abandoning it all, leaving her etc because he felt stressed, anxious and unhappy. She felt mortified and convinced him to see a doctor to talk through his worries.

The doctor is what changed everything and instead of supporting him, he bit him like a raging piranha. He said "You're 28 and for the first time in your life you have genuine responsibilities that you need to support. Man up, appreciate what you've got, aim to improve things for your children and get out of my office."

They're still married and he's not afraid to talk about his dilemma to my DH (though not to many others). He's happy now and he's in the same (even the same employer).

He thinks he just needed someone to slap him around the face and tell him to get over himself. I don't think he was prone to depression before this so perhaps it was a "mini" midlife crisis. Either way, the distinction is that he needed someone that he had little to no relationship with to tell him off and not give him support.

Everyone is different and in no way am I suggesting that all people stuck in depression (or on the journey there) need this approach...but it's exactly what he needed.

OP, I could have written your post, apart from the most important part which is your pregnancy.
4 months ago my DH basically said word for word what yours has. Also been together similar period of time.
I did not have a baby on board so threw myself into getting him to GP (he agreed after some very down days), psychologist/therapist and things all ended with crisis team and psychiatrist. I’d say on meds his depression is better but he is still saying the things yours is

However my mental health has taken a battering and I’m concerned about that for you. Throughout I have been talking to select friends and yesterday told my parents. I’ve seen a counsellor, taken up exercise and next week will move into a new flat. I still don’t know what will happen with my DH, I know he is still unwell but he has been massively selfish (not going to derail your thread with details).

Throughout the whole ordeal my key word has been “serenity”. Whether it’s dragging myself out for a walk, reading quietly, early nights and lie ins, planning nice things with friends, taking pleasure in my work, it’s all been helpful when things have been hard.

Your DH is causing chaos and pain to you. You sound lovely but I really think someone else needs to take charge on this- his parents or a friend or someone. Your priority needs to be your baby.

Definitely speak to your parents, they won’t hate him, they will just want to support you. Maybe there’s a friend you could go into more details with? Maybe give them a call? And definitely get some counselling. My therapist told me to write down the facts of the situation in a diary, which really focused me on what actually is going on, without emotions and hopes clouding it.

Please look after yourself

My husband was an enthusiastic participant in our TTC journey. Then I got pregnant. I honestly thought we'd end up splitting up - he couldn't have been less interested in my pregnancy. Wouldn't attend antenatal classes, appointments, missed the first scan and wasn't interested in the pictures. Wouldn't come shopping. Wouldn't read a book. Wouldn't feel the baby kick. It was awful, so, so upsetting.

Anyway - baby is now here and everything is different. He loves DS and is a very hands on and involved parent, far more than many of my friends' partners. He has admitted he felt despair and distress during the pregnancy and is now very sorry about it (so he bloody should be) but I've let it go now as he really is a wonderful father and loves it.

For now, I'd focus on you. You're heavily pregnant, he should be your support, not the other way round. Go to your ante natal classes, make contacts, plan your mat leave - what's on in your area etc.

Sounds more like the responsibility of having a baby has hit him and he's considering whether he wants to stick around and be responsible.
I'd take the option away from him and leave. He's making what should be a lovely time in your life, a miserable one.

I just don’t know if I could forgive this with the timing. Having a baby is ideally a 2 parent thing, if he isn’t contributing I’d tell him I’m sorry but having this baby is going to be at least a 1 parent thing and someone else is going to have to look after you, it’s not me.

I would be fucking furious if my DH told me whilst PG that he wasn't sure if we should have got married, and he has thought about maybe having a 6 month break. Fucking furious.

He is having a classic pre-baby "my life is a bit shit. I am getting old. I have to go to work all the time. Its a bit boring and not v meaningful. I am about to be TRRAPPED by a baby. I want to have ADVENTURE AND FUN (despite having no inclination for adventure when the opportunity was available)"

Self indulgent, pathetic, and he needs to sort his shit out.

A decent therapist would not diagnose depression. Your DH may not be telling exactly what the therapist said or it may be how your DH wanted to interpret a conversation. For example, your DH may have brought up the question "do you think I'm depressed" and the therapist would be likely to say " Do you think you are? Would going to a GP to get an opinion help?" If your DH rejected the idea the therapist would leave it probably. Most therapists try to get you to think about your situation and come up with solutions yourself.

OP you need to focus your energy on yourself and your baby - you cannot make your DH better - he needs to work towards that himself. It's hard but be more selfish and look to your own needs.

If you can, get your DH to agree to see a GP. The GP will use a questionnaire to help diagnose if your DH has depression - he can refer him for NHS counselling (although there may be a wait depending on postcode) and start on trying out meds to find one that helps. Your DH may reject this help but he may be willing to try and it usually helps to stabilise things more quickly than just talking.

You can also talk to your GP, you may not get counselling but The GP can give you advice. Do you work or study? I was able to access 10 counselling sessions for free through my work - offloading to an unknown listenener helped me from becoming overwhelmed. Students could also access the counselling even if part time.

The breavements and such a large life event as having a child could have affected him badly. Did he have a poor relationship with the bereaved or had hoped for a better one? Looking back on your relationship has he behaved strangely at other times of stress? (House purchase, before marriage etc - falling out with friends, making rash decisions)

Something in a previous message struck a chord with me. My utterly lovely beyong belief DH bailed on me when we decided to TTC. I think he came face to face with the reality that this was going to be his life...for ever. He broke my heart into pieces, stole my future from me and prevented me from having a baby! It took 10 years to get my life back on track.

We met up a few years later and he admitted leaving had been a mistake! Knob! I really hope this works out for you, i have to say i wish I'd been pregnant when he ran away like a child after 11 years together.

It's quite common for men with mental health problems to leave their partners/have affairs. Don't take it personally. You aren't the problem and leaving you will only make things worse for him. What he actually needs is a really good therapist.