DH midlife crisis?

[HotCrossBun12]

NC'd for this. Poor DH has been struggling with his mental health. I have only been aware of this for 4 months or so, but he says that it has been building up for years. He is very good at keeping his feelings squashed down and not talking about them, which is why I was none the wiser for so long. He had two terrible bereavements in a quick succession a couple of years ago, and apparently things have just gone downhill ever since. He is now an emotional wreck, and I can't bear to see him so unhappy.

Over a few separate conversations, he has told me:

• he is deeply dissatisfied with his life, but he doesn't know what he wants to do to change it
• he has considered leaving me in the past
• he is not sure that he would get married again if he had the time again (we have been together 12 years, married for 1.5)
• he feels like he has not met his potential in life and has let himself down (he has a very good job and has done well for himself, but is bored)
• he has considered a 6 month relationship break (as somebody who recently read 'the break' by Marian Keyes, hearing that was like a punch in the stomach)
• he still loves me and hopes that we can work through this together

The great thing is that he has started seeing a therapist, which I 100% support, even though it is making a serious dent in our monthly budget.

The worst thing is, I am due to give birth to our first DC in 10 weeks. I have found pregnancy very difficult - physically and emotionally - and this feels like the worst timing. He keeps apologising for putting me through this, and I hate to see him full of self loathing for upsetting me.

I love him unconditionally, and until a few months ago I thought our relationship was solid as a rock. We got together when I was 20, so being with him is a huge part of my identity and personality, and I am now painfully aware that I am overly dependent on him. We don't have a huge friendship group, and I rely on him for emotional support, probably too much. The idea of being a single mother terrifies me.

Finally, I am so worried about the impact of all of this stress on my baby. I know that I need to toughen up for her sake, and stop myself from falling apart, but the truth is my heart is breaking.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Happiness even!

More upsetting discussions tonight. I asked him to go to the GP to discuss whether or not he has depression, and he explained to me why he doesn't.

He said that ever since he was about 8 years old, he has had this dark and destructive part of his personality that always wants to tear things down and start again. He knows that if he listens to this part of his brain then he will lose his relationship, his home and probably his job, but that part of his personality (he estimates it to make up about 40% of him as a person as it has grown over the past few years) is willing him to 'pull the pin out of the grenade', destroy everything and walk away. He says he wants to see whether he would be able to build his life up again after destroying it so comprehensively, and is curious to see what would happen. He says this part of his personality scares him and he is terrified that he is going to end up doing this stuff because he just can't stop thinking about it.

Meanwhile, I am sat there listening to all this, unable to make head or tail of how I should be feeling (supportive? Sad? Angry?), and sobbing and sobbing.

I am so tired now but cannot sleep.

I had my 2nd nct class today - it was a woman only session - and hearing the other women talk about how excited they were to start their happy families was so upsetting. That's what I thought I had.

He admitted tonight that he said that he was ready to start a family because he hoped the baby would help him to stop feeling this way. I feel a bit tricked.

He needs counselling to understand himself and his self-destructive impulses and compulsive thoughts. They haven’t come from nowhere, and he needs to deal with the root cause.

It’s totally unacceptable for him to say “it’s just who I am”.

Honestly, I’d possibly be tempted to call his bluff - he gets proper help or leaves. You can’t be supportive to someone unwilling to help themselves.

Poor you, OP

I'm very sorry, but I would call his bluff RIGHT NOW. What in the fuck is he playing at?? Basically, he's telling you that no matter what, he will always have this overwhelming desire to "pull the pin" and destroy your family. How on earth are you ever to trust him? How can you TRULY believe he actually loves you? Are you really willing to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life? Again, I am sorry, but MANY of the things he has "shared" are completely unforgivable. Pregnant or not, I would send him packing.

I could not stay with someone who had told me that. That's just horrible,you aren't an experiment.

Agree with @Aquamarine1029

I'm so used to seeing affairs dressed up as depression on MN so this is always at the forefront of my mind and maybe I'm projecting but I'm sensing he's preparing an alibi? Of course I could be COMPLETELY wrong so just ignore my contribution and move along

@Bibbidee

In my first response in this thread, I questioned if the husband is having an affair. I am still leaning towards this. This man's elaborate web of bullshit is a HUGE red flag to me.

It’s good he’s seeing a therapist and, although it hurts, good that he’s communicating with you too.

I think you need someone to talk to too. You mentioned being on antidepressants earlier so things are not rosy in your garden either.

You sound thoughtful, kind and perceptive. I think you’re right that it would be a good idea to stop leaning on your DH emotionally but you also don’t have to be the one he leans on.

Oh my goodness. Sending you lots of love op, this sounds horrific.

I would also be tempted to call his bluff- get him to leave as it is not good for you or the baby. He will hopefully soon realise what he is losing! He may even realise a trip to the docs is what he needs.

There is mental health, and then there is messing with others mental health (and the baby’s physical health). It seems unexceptable to me personally. When he tells you this stuff does it seem to upset him?

So you say i think you should go and see someone about depression and he tells you all about his mpersonality disorder which explains very clearly that he is not depressed. My first thought about 40 % of me is this and blah blah, is that he is not mentally well. Stop allowing yourself to be used as therapy, you've got other far more interesting things to talk about?

He needs to see someone, possibly a psychiatrist. If it was me (and you are not!) I woukd say i couldn't take anymore revelations just at the moment as i feel i am neglecting nurturing our unborn child.Tell him this is an important time for you in terms of preparing yourself mentally for your journey to come.

Truely you shouldnot be trying to solve his problems at the moment- however, you need to be the one to set the boundaries. Don't let this man dump all his emotional baggage on you. I know you love him, but really, enough is enough surely?I am sure he will appreciate that you need to concentrate on your feeling given that he finds it so necessary to share every aspect of his. Loving someone is about more than taking on all their woes, and he does have a few, doesn't he? You need to set some boundaries in place.

1. Tell him how much closer you feel with him sharing. Its been an amazing bonding experience for both of you blah blah
2. Explain that seeing him distressed is not good for your emotional health and ask him to speak to a professional so they can support him properly. Sometimes telling 'the story' over and over again makes things worse not better?
3. Stop indulging this nonsense. If he needs help, he needs to go and get it?
4. Don't allow him to witter endlessly on about his navel gazing- and if he does go on,
5. Move on yourself, at least in your head. He really is being very selfish.

Are you as fed up with him as i am yet? Can you cart him off back to mum and dad for a while?

1. ....and if he does go on, don't listen.

Agree with calling his bluff you cant live with I may leave you. Take back control of this.

You aren’t a therapist , and you may be a wife but he isn’t much of a husband. I’d be furious he basically told me he didn’t want our baby and say see a Gp or leave.

Are you sure this "therapist" isn't another woman? The whole thing sounds like bullshit to me.

Agree you need to take control. Tell him to go.

Depression is the most selfish disease ever. My DP has anxiety and depression and life just centres round him and his needs. He also makes unacceptable comments. I used to "cover" for him and makes excuses to family and friends for his behaviour. I then realised I needed support and started to tell people. Try to get all the support you can OP and concentrate on you and the baby . Tell your parents if you need ( though maybe not the whole story as they may never forgive DH) so they can help you. Please concentrate on you and hope the counselling helps your DH realise how lucky he is.

Whatever is going on with him, you don’t need to hear it now and he is being beyond selfish by foisting this on you at such a vulnerable time in your life. I honestly would ask him to move in with his parents for the time being. He is refusing to seek help from his gp and basically saying this is just who he is. Do you want your dc to be exposed to this? You deserve so much more op. Please continue to confide in your family and build your support network. I can’t see this getting any better.

Grief that hasn't been dealt with can do strange things, so I had more sympathy for him until your second post.

What a load of self indulgent, navel gazing bollocks. Who does he think he is, Jim bloody Morrison?

I agree, call his bluff. He's obviously trying to get you all worried over how the darkness in his soul is going to tear the two of you apart, or whatever. Strange how this is all coming to the fore only 10 weeks before you're due to give birth. A decent man who was genuinely struggling would try to put his feelings aside for a little longer, or would agree to get help. It's all very convenient that his moods must now take centre stage, at the one time when all attention and support is usually focused at the pregnant mother/forthcoming new baby. When you will be focused on someone whose needs will come above his.

Is he used to having your full undivided attention the rest of the time? Always getting his own way? Did you find yourself putting yourself second even pre pregnancy?

He's getting ready to bail. He either needs to show you he is taking steps to reassure you, or you tell him that the decision is out of his hands.

Your baby is going to be a marvellous thing. Whether or not he is there. Don't let him spoil this for you.

I'd make the decision for him. I'd tell him categorically that YOU'RE pulling the pin on this relationship and I'd tell everyone why.

I asked him to go to the GP to discuss whether or not he has depression, and he explained to me why he doesn't.

He cannot diagnose himself. He needs to see the GP. I would be unequivocal on this.

You are worried for his health.
You are scared by what he says.
If he wants to deal with this “destructive urge” he needs to let someone help him.

Plus - it’s at odds with what he said his therapist and he had decided was the “issue” - feelings of not being good enough, not achieving his potential. What he’s just revealed is completely different.

So either he’s not being truthful to his therapist, he’s not being truthful to you, or he is ill enough that he cannot see clearly any of this.

Regardless, he needs to see a GP.

I went with my DH. I sat with him as he explained and wept a little bit too - and she was great. Immediate practical advice and medication, signposted to other services.

Tell your DH you need him to see GP, and you need him to let you come.

Tell your midwife too that this is going on.

I don’t think anyone’s speculation about affairs is helpful to you, so don’t wind yourself up with that idea. You need to cocoon and protect yourself now.

Can I ask - has he always been a bit self-centred and needing a lot of your emotional support? Or is this completely out of the blue? For instance, do you rely on him a lot emotionally because you have given him a lot of yourself and had less time for friends? Men like this, who are used to undivided attention from their partners, can find not being the centre of attention when pregnancy happens very shocking and react badly. Just a thought.

If he loves you, he sees a GP. It’s his decision, but you must be clear - this is now not about him but about what YOU (and your baby) need. If he cannot put you both first now and seek help, you need to steel yourself to the idea of leaving.

Lovely OP. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but could he has fallen for someone else, but she has broken the relationship or decides she doesn't want one? This could have triggered the sort of reaction you describe.

I'm not saying that's what it Is, though! But it's worth considering this option. Either way, this sounds like a really bad situation for both of you.

Christ what a selfish bastard. I’ve had a lot of mental health issues (I also have asd and adhd) but I would never tell my dh what he’s told you despite feeling similar at points in my life. I often feel quite similar in that I want to break my life apart. Most often because I’m bored and I struggle feeling anything and mostly feel numb. He’s being a complete shit! I keep a lid on how I’m feeling because it’s not fair to burden my dh because it’s hurtful. You’re pregnant and talking to you like this is awful!

You poor thing, OP. What a horrendous thing to go through while pregnant with your first.

Who knows what’s going on here. It could be depression, a mid-life crisis or your DH being a massive fuckwit.

Until you know which, prepare yourself for any of the three. What are your plans re work after the baby is born? Make sure your career doesn’t suffer, just in case you do become a single parent. Don’t go back part time or become a SAHM.

Make sure DH takes the responsibility of getting himself better. You can’t try and solve these problems for him.

Would counselling for you too be helpful to work through some of your feelings about this?