friends don't care!

[DaisyFlower161]

I recently lost a sibling unexpected and in fairly tragic circumstances, no details as fairly outing. I'm struggling with this a bit to be honest but I'm shocked and disappointed by my so called "friends" response. Nobody asks about it, sympathises, asks me how I'm doing or even seems to care, this includes what I'd think of as fairly long standing friends. It's all about what their problems are or what they are doing. My DH thinks this is because people are uncomfortable raising it unless I do, but I don't believe this, surely it doesn't take much to text "how are you doing" or just empathise a little. I've always found it hard to make friends to be honest and always feel on the outside, a tolerated person, but I've spent years of my life listening and sympathising with other people. AIBU to think that these people just don't care about me and that I don't really have any friends worth the name?

I can completely sympathise. We have recently lost a family member, after a short illness, and only 1 of my friends has contacted me to see how we are. I really thought we had good friends but now I'm wondering.

I guess people are just wrapped up in their own problems (not criticizing them for that btw) and also feel awkward as your DH has said.

It still hurts though.

some people are selfish
some people just don't know what to do, and are afraid to upset you by bringing up the subject.

I’m really sorry to hear of your loss.

I agree slightly with your DH that often people find it very difficult to discuss loss but I also agree that it isn’t hard to send a text to ask about how you are doing. I think these days people often get caught up in their own lives and if they have a ‘listening friend’ assume that they never have any problems and they enjoy just listening!

Try bringing it up and see what reaction you get, if it’s along the lines of ‘oh sorry to hear that, anyway’ then you have your answer. I’m hoping some of them will step and be a friend that supports you rather than simply takes from you. Again I’m sorry for your loss x

Sorry for your loss.

DH lost both parents at a fairly young age within a few years of each other. Both to long term, awful illnesses. I can count on one hand how many people have asked him how he is. One 'friend' even told me I didn't care about Mil as we put her in a nursing home .

TBH, it's a few years ago now, but it has made me reassess friendship and what it means. I think in most cases, people are selfish. I now have little or no expectations of friends and have a smaller group I would even term as friends.

Sorry to hear of your loss OP.
Having also lost a family member through awful circumstances I think some people feel that to mention it may make you feel even worse and they don't want to upset you. Some people just don't know how to deal with others strong emotions (or their own in response) and so will avoid it all together. Some people just don't know what to say at all and so don't initiate contact. There are also some families that insist on keeping themselves to themselves during grief and if your friends have been brought up with that in mind, they just think they are doing the right thing by giving you privacy.

chickenowner - I'm really sorry to hear your news, I hope you're doing ok?

Just to add, you may need to spell it out to some friends if you want to talk about it. I had to with some of mine and say I would rather talk about it then avoid all mention of it.

How awful, so sorry for your loss

I'm with your dh, people generally really don't know what to say/do. You sound a little like me on the social/friend front and it can sometimes give off an appearance that you're more likely to want have space.

You may have to reach out (as much as I know you feel you shouldn't have to and I agree). Try arranging to meet for a coffee/wine before writing people off. Your emotions are so raw at the moment you need to take care that you're not causing yourself more pain when it's simply not the reality.

Thank you all, really helpful comments, I'll give it some thought, many thanks!!

Sorry for your loss. Some people 'dont understand`, because nobody close to them has passed away. Some people just don't know what to say. Some people 'dont care. Suggest make your own time once or more than once a year to remember your loved one, how you want to. It's a very personal thing and it takes time

When my sil died we had the same.( it was a bizarre situation and difficult to explain to people , if that makes any sense) if dh does mention to anyone there is an awkward silence and nobody ever really asked him how he dealt with it. I understand that people dont know what to say and so on, but sometimes a bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss. I am sorry this has happened to you though. its not easy dealing with it all. There are people that listen and understand, but they are hard to find when you need them the most.

My DH lost his dad 2 years ago, and his mum when he was 18. Suddenly not having any parents was deeply unsettling for him, and whilst he coped brilliantly in the immediate months after his dads death, it took around 12 months for it to really hit him and he needed a lot of love and support through it. He's got a network of business colleagues and friends, not one of whom ever reached out past the initial "sorry for your loss" and that didn't really help. It was a bit of a revelation, and one that came at a time when he didn't really need it. I'd try and find yourself a support group for people in the same boat, you'll get much better support and empathy. You need to talk about and process what has happened. Sadly the reality is that people probably don't appreciate what you're going through. I'm very sorry for your loss

DaisyFlower Thank you, that's kind. I'm feeling much better now that my DP is back home with me - it was his family member who died and of course I was worried about him.

I hope that you're doing OK too!

It’s common. My dad died when I was at school. My friends didn’t once think about me and most I didn’t see for dust acfuaooh. I don’t imagine it changes much as we get older. I’m chronically ill. Friends got fed up of me. Walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves. It’s not personal.

So sorry about your loss OP

I really believe that many people don't say anything as they don't know what to say. It's a 'conspiracy of silence' and as you have found, it often leaves bereaved people feeling alone and isolated.

When I suffered a very public bereavement I didn't spare my friends. I just talked - and if they were uncomfortable, they hid it well. You are absolutely right to feel as you do, but it may be their embarrassment and awkwardness rather than not caring for you?

I also think that people who haven't experienced a bereavement themselves really don't understand how deep the reaction goes, how long it takes to start feeling that you can go back to living your life a little ( you don't ever 'get over it', you just move forward in a different way), and all the different stages you go through. They seem to think that after the funeral everything returns to normal.

People don't know what to say or if they should mention it.
People who haven't lost a close relative often don't realise what it is like - sometimes grief can take weeks or months to kick in, and people might think it's all been dealt with in the first fortnight or so.

It also depends on how recent it is and how much you need to talk about it. Most people are better at talking than listening. Have you considered bereavement counselling?

I hope you are OK and sorry about your loss.

I think quite a lot of friendships these days are quite shallow.
What a shame that it.

In fairness I've had fairly traumatic bereavements and am not always sure how to react. I know what I'd like but that doesn't always translate well with what others might need at such a turbulent time.

I do think it's much harder when someone young dies. it's all so senseless and the knowledge of them being robbed of a lifetime of events is palpable. With the death of someone elderly you can reminisce over their life, which you of course do with somebody younger but there it is always tainted by what could have been.

It's tragic and difficult.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling too, and had a similar reaction from many people.

After many years of reflection I think it is because losing a sibling at a young age, - even though you are an adult it is still a young age because you normally expect to have your siblings until you are both old - is relatively unusual , people do not relate to it in the same way as they do to say losing a parent or a grandparent, which many more people experience and understand, and which lets face it, is the natural order of things that we expect. Frankly most people do not have the social niceties and responses to hand to deal with the death of someone's sibling .

Also, in my situation the sympathy was , quite rightly, directed towards my sibling's spouse and young children, who were the focus of everyone's support, and I have absolutely no issue with that, it was and is right and proper.

But, I think people assume that as an adult you can cope with loss and grief, especially if people more vulnerable are also grieving, but it isn't actually so, the grief is the same, but the grieving is different , as is the loss, since you are losing the other half of a lifetime of shared childhood and adolescent memories , jokes, experiences , secrets, and family traditions which no one else possesses, as well as the possibility of future experiences and memories which have now been lost.

Again, condolences on your loss, it will slowly get easier. One thing I would say is if you have photos, videos etc make sure you annotate them as fully as you can, so the memory is strengthened and the photos and videos have more meaning for others as well as for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do think that there is a tendency for people to not know what to say in these circumstances, although I completely understand why you are upset. I suspect some of them are worried that they would say the wrong thing and they'd rather say nothing than say the wrong thing.

It’s at times like this that you find out who your friends are.

When my boyfriend died suddenly, my best friend took a huge step back, we fell out quite soon after and haven’t spoken to her since.

My cousins who I was very close to avoided me. I still talk to them because they are family but we are no longer close.

Two girls that I got on ok with, saw them 2/3 times a week through work but didn’t really see them as ’proper’ friends, were amazing! Dropped everything (brothers and boyfriends birthday outings) and came to my house ( I was supposed to be popping in to the pub for the brothers do for an hour, I sent a text to our group WhatsApp saying ‘cant make drinks, xxxx is dead’ (I was in shock!) stayed with me until my parents arrived (4 hours away) held my hand, hugged me, made me laugh! They were there for me 24/7 on the end of phone or to come round, they helped me through all the funeral decisions, took me to hospital and chapel of rest, sorted out his disgusting shed! Wonderful, wonderful women who I would do anything for, just wish they didn’t live so far away now! 5 years on and we are very close.

Sorry to hear about your loss, recently my friend lost his mum, when people found out I had text him they were shocked and thought it was too soon for me to message, so I can understand your husbands point? I think its hard as no one knows how to react? xxx

Thanks all, accept what you say but I feel it's weird when conversations with people are as if nothing has happened and we are still discussing relatively minor things that have happened to them!

Sorry for your loss. This is all too common, and unfortunately people seem to be more self absorbed these days. I remember losing a very dear cousin and my closest friend only wanted to talk about her marital problems. She wasn't the only one, and I felt very hurt and lonely. It's true that you find out who your friends are. I've fewer friends now, but I'm fine with that. Xx