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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more help, or better just to suck it up

73 replies

Rockclimber12 · 11/02/2018 10:07

I'm wondering how any of you who work FT and are parents manage at home. My boys are 15 months and 4 years (eldest goes to school this autumn).
Youngest has started waking for 2-3 hours every night without fail and wants to play. He can cry for up to 90 minutes without fail. Tiny two up two down house. means leaving him to cry and self settle wakes up his b night time brother and their dad. Husband is grouchy and thinks their bed time routine is flawed.
We have supper around 530, quiet play with books, puzzles for a bit and then the eldest has a bath and is bed by 7pm. Younger one then has bath, milk in dimmed room and in sleep sack by 730.
Waking is invariably between 130 and 2am and he can stay awake until 4am when I give up the ghost and put him back in his bed crying.
I'm really struggling to stay sane. I've tried calpol and granules in case it's teething. Gradual retreat method didn't work so well, he just stands up and wails.
Local help isn't really an option - my parents passed away in my early 20s and his mum is quite independent and does flying visits only for hour or so at a time. Other parents I know are all frazzled too.
To make it worse, their dad has started going out on Friday nights after work and gets in after midnight. Which means I'm up in the night for a couple of hours and then up with both boys from 7.
I've tried being blunt and just saying I need more help but the husband just says I'm tired and I need to stop being snappy. (He never gets up in the night.)
Youngest arrived after 5 MCs so his idea that I should be grateful to have this time with DS2 makes me feel even more guilty about being exhausted.
Yesterday I had to pull over at Tesco on way out because I could feel myself getting sleepy and was scared to drive any more so the boys couldn't go swimming.
Last month I took 2 days unpaid off work to just get over having broken sleep since Christmas and not being able to do anything at work.
I'm hating the person I have become, snappy, grumpy, no social life and just being distant with my boys rather than enjoying time with them.
I'm wondering is just a phase or does it get better or is this just our lot in life. Found myself googling divorce earlier so I know I need to do something.

OP posts:

liquidrevolution · 11/02/2018 16:00

oh and too add. I made the nursery wake DD up after 40 minutes so she didnt nap too long. Your CM may not do this but you are free to explore other childcare options.

Botanistinhiding · 11/02/2018 16:00

I agree on the nap endoftheline - dd’s nursery introduced a policy where they decided they weren’t allowed to wake children up - that led to months of her waking at 5am for us...

meredintofpandiculation · 11/02/2018 16:08

Perhaps if your DH feels your bedtime routing is flawed, he could take over bedtime

Butterymuffin · 11/02/2018 16:15

(He never gets up in the night.)

That right there is your problem. If you both work full time you should alternate one night on, one night off. Tell him that's starting tonight or else you'll be withdrawing your cooperation with all the other easy life things he gets to do. He's been massively taking the piss.

Original poster

Rockclimber12 · 11/02/2018 17:16

Really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. When you've got brain fog, and it's become normal now having had it a for a while, you forget how abnormal and unacceptable behaviour actually is. So this is a good wake up call for me.
The practical advice is good and I've just messaged a uni friend who I'm going to see on Friday night with a stayover - not planning on drinking but a lazy evening in with her and some Netflix.
So the husband will be on childcare duty including the overnight stuff. Isn't it mad how I feel awful about leaving the children but if I'm back on Sat night then, he'll have had a full 24 hours of being on duty.
Also going to see childminder tomorrow pm about naps. I know the other boy's mum who she also minds and they are both put down for a nap at the same time and it's possible DS2 is napping for far too late.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 11/02/2018 17:20

Please turn your phone off! Let him muddle through!

Bet you feel better already knowing you have down time

expatinscotland · 11/02/2018 17:30

Don't ask your h, either, tell him you're going. I would go straight after work so he needs to do the pickup, too, or ask a friend to do the pickup and drop the kids off at home so your h can't weasel out of it by telling you last minute that he has plans. Turn your phone off. He's being a total twat.

timeisnotaline · 11/02/2018 18:11

Good plan op! It’s so satisfying when people on threads go oh yes I really should do something about it and they do! Apart from 50/50 I Used to tell DH to finish the sentence- i’ve got drinks on Friday ..... so darling time are you ok to look after dc then? His going out without asking assumed I was available and I work, I am a parent not the default parent and won’t be taken for granted.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 11/02/2018 18:36

Had something similar with my baby. Decided he must need less sleep and put him to bed later. Same story. It wasn’t until I realised he needed more sleep and not less and put him to bed an hour earlier that he went back to sleeping better.

Husband needs to step up- selfish prick!

Jux · 11/02/2018 18:43

I believe there's very intermittent reception where your friend lives, so you may as well just turn it off.

I predict that she's going to need your help ^desperately* on Saturday evening/night, so you'll find that you need to stay on a bit longer; she only gets phone reception at all (which is still pretty intermittent), when you walk up to the top of that hill she lives at the bottom of, so you'll only have one call in 24 hours. The last prediction I can make for now is that your call on Saturday to say you're staying an extra night will be cut inexplicably short.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 11/02/2018 18:44

Yay! Have a good nighrs sleep on Friday I put a 1 hr restriction on napping at nursery, they were happy to follow that- do you think your child minder would?

AutumnMadness · 11/02/2018 21:55

Rockclimber12, you don't need to have "an honest chat" with your H. You have my full permission to scream in his face. No more pussyfooting around him. Time to loose your shit. Big time. Your H is a knob of astronomic proportions. Your poor thing.

Original poster

Rockclimber12 · 12/02/2018 10:47

Really good advice on here. Can't believe I haven't sought out the wealth of experience on MN before.
I saw the childminder today and asked about naps in the morning, turns out the other mum whose 18 month old is there as well, is also struggling with her little one sleeping at night. So a joined approach for both little ones to nap before lunch when they are there.
Also suggested that they go to the park and play on swings, toddler equipment to see if that tires them out more.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2018 10:57

Agree the problem is your DH. broken sleep is horrific and you need to catch that time up somewhere. So either sharing nights or getting lie ins. Housework should be shared equally.

You mentioned a history of mc and how he feels you should just enjoy every second of parenting ds2 consequently. Surely he should feel that way too? So he'll be gait to have them this Friday overnight and for a few hours every weekend whilst you get a coffee, lunch, movie etc

Original poster

Rockclimber12 · 17/03/2018 16:11

So many of you took the time to reply to this a few weeks ago, I thought I owed you an update both to thank for the perspectives.
And for giving me a bit of a kick up the bottom to change things.
Had a weekend with a girlfriend, had a massive cold and just had lots of sleep, long baths and food when I was there.
DH just about coped with the shock but had some local mums help out with the boys.
And since then:
Schedule of housework for the days when he is working from home. He has to help with morning routine and clearing up after mealtimes.
Started sending the shirts out to be washed
Raided savings to pay for a sleep consultant, expensive but nailed with it sleep for little one. Apparently, he was associating the feed after bathtime with sleep so when waking up in the night, couldn't get himself back to sleep.

And as daft as it sounds -remortgaged to switch to a fixed rate. The money we're saving means I can almost justify working one PM less each week, and I take the boys to swimming lessons and pop into the steam room when I'm there, which feels like a divine 20 minutes.
I really appreciate all the help lovelies.

OP posts:

Swirlingasong · 17/03/2018 16:31

I'm really glad things are improving for you, op. I didn't see the thread originally but just wanted to add, in case you need it in the future, that one thing that really helped me to get dh to see the split of labour in our house was getting life insurance sorted. We sat down and worked out exactly how much each of us would need in insurance in order for our lives to remain as similar as possible without the other - so salary, cost of paying for childcare, hours of cleaning, laundry services - absolutely everything. It turned out that the amount DH would have needed to survive without me was nearly three times as much as I needed to survive without him. The cold hard figures really help to bring things home.

Spoog1971xx · 17/03/2018 16:42

Um... Why doesn't their father do all this?
You need to go away for a week and let him take over and learn a lesson

PollyPelargonium52 · 28/03/2018 12:01

It makes me wonder how these relationships keep going. All sacrifice the mother's end and the father not stepping up.

And then these fathers complain about the breakup a few years down the line!

I hope things improve for you op.

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 15:00

What exactly is his reason for not caring for his own children? Why does he think it's your job?

FreshAirHere · 28/03/2018 15:06

Many days I ask myself the same question. Wondering if it would be any better as a single mum or is this just a bad patch (2 DCs under 6, work and various things going wrong with the house causing lots of stress. Our living room got flooded twice because of next door having work done. Insurance covered it but the house was a damp mess in the winter months.
Swirlingasong - really good advice, doing that on Friday when children are at a party.....

SunnyCoco · 28/03/2018 15:48

Glad things are improving OP
Honestly your DH really needs a kick up the arse, when both parents are working full time it’s essential to split wakings and lie-ins so everyone gets some rest

Keep at it, he really Needs to step Up

FeministBadger · 28/03/2018 15:59

So glad things are better for you OP and that the sleep consultant has got things fixed!

Very interesting thought about the life insurance from the PP who mentioned that - we've been meaning to sort that for a while so think it could be an interesting calculation.

FreshAirHere · 28/03/2018 16:11

Just out of curiousity Rockclimber12, do you have anyone you can do swapsies with for playdates. So you get a bit of time to yourself when things get desperate at home or if you're getting your hair done. In return you take their DCs when that parent needs a bit of help. Three of us from school do that and it makes a massive difference. And the children usually enjoy what they're doing together. Just a thought.
And on at their father - he's not 'helping you' as you probably think he should, start calling it co-parenting.

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