AIBU to expect more help, or better just to suck it up

[Rockclimber12]

I'm wondering how any of you who work FT and are parents manage at home. My boys are 15 months and 4 years (eldest goes to school this autumn).
Youngest has started waking for 2-3 hours every night without fail and wants to play. He can cry for up to 90 minutes without fail. Tiny two up two down house. means leaving him to cry and self settle wakes up his b night time brother and their dad. Husband is grouchy and thinks their bed time routine is flawed.
We have supper around 530, quiet play with books, puzzles for a bit and then the eldest has a bath and is bed by 7pm. Younger one then has bath, milk in dimmed room and in sleep sack by 730.
Waking is invariably between 130 and 2am and he can stay awake until 4am when I give up the ghost and put him back in his bed crying.
I'm really struggling to stay sane. I've tried calpol and granules in case it's teething. Gradual retreat method didn't work so well, he just stands up and wails.
Local help isn't really an option - my parents passed away in my early 20s and his mum is quite independent and does flying visits only for hour or so at a time. Other parents I know are all frazzled too.
To make it worse, their dad has started going out on Friday nights after work and gets in after midnight. Which means I'm up in the night for a couple of hours and then up with both boys from 7.
I've tried being blunt and just saying I need more help but the husband just says I'm tired and I need to stop being snappy. (He never gets up in the night.)
Youngest arrived after 5 MCs so his idea that I should be grateful to have this time with DS2 makes me feel even more guilty about being exhausted.
Yesterday I had to pull over at Tesco on way out because I could feel myself getting sleepy and was scared to drive any more so the boys couldn't go swimming.
Last month I took 2 days unpaid off work to just get over having broken sleep since Christmas and not being able to do anything at work.
I'm hating the person I have become, snappy, grumpy, no social life and just being distant with my boys rather than enjoying time with them.
I'm wondering is just a phase or does it get better or is this just our lot in life. Found myself googling divorce earlier so I know I need to do something.

Sounds to me like the only reason yabu, is that you are using the term " asking for help".
You are both parents, you are both working full time, you should be sharing the childcare/housework. The responsibility is not solely yours. You are not asking for help, but instead asking for him to step up to his responsibilities.

'Help'?

No, the fucking twat needs to parent. That generally comes before going out on a Friday night and having nice peaceful runs.

That really is it, in a nutshell.

Sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't wake up and become part of the team, the team will eventually disband. Which it will.

Stop viewing it as ‘help’. You’re supppsed to be a team. Parent together, not one you of you being exhausted whilst the other gets sleep and goes out.

DD2 started doing what your youngest is doing around the same age. At first we took it in turns (both working so the only fair way), after 2 weeks we realised we had developed it into a nice habit for her!

We tried all the “gentle” options, just made her furious. Eventually we ignored her, night 1 was two hours screaming. By night 3 she didn’t wake. I know many people disagree with this, but we were on our knees with tiredness.

Your DH needs to step up, he is being selfish, but you also need to think seriously about how you will break the cycle.

Your DH needs to step up. He is a fucking parent ffs. He doesn't get to go out every Friday if you don't get to go out! You work FT, you could be having that relaxing drink on a Friday afternoon. Why are his needs more important than yours? Just because you're a woman, the responsibility is all yours? Fuck that shit. Sorry but he either steps up or you'll grow more and more resentful of him and it will not end well. I speak from experience.

He is incredibly selfish. Kids go through different phases. The solution is to tackle them as a team! Which didn't happen for me - that's why I'm just waiting for the right moment to leave. But I'm grieving for my Mum so now may not be the right time.

You both work FT? What possible justification can your DH have for not sharing the overnights? Esp when he doesn't have to start work until 10.30.

For comparison, I did all the overnight wakings with my two because I was breastfeeding, BUT OH did every 6am morning wake-up, and gave me both lie-ins every weekend.

As they say on MN, you have a DH problem.

But leaving aside DH for a moment, you could try a night nanny for a short while? There are some who are very experienced at dealing with sleep issues, and they might be able to sort out DS's sleep patterns without too much trouble.

Unfortunately your husband is the problem.

No solutions I'm afraid. My one became my ex because he was like that and couldn't be bothered to change.

You don't just suck it up, you set out what you expect from him and if he's not prepared to do anything then you consider what penalties you instigate. I would not be with a man who didn't respect or like me enough to let me get a good nights sleep but I realise other people mightn't be so extreme in their views

Your marriage is probably doomed, because a man who has decided that his wants and needs are the top/only priority in the household is a man who will not change.
You could try making a list of chores and a rota, and telling him it's time he started doing his fair share, but the likely outcome is that he will agree to this but actually do nothing, and always have some reason why he can't pull his weight (which will always be, basically, "I am a MAN and therefore domestic work is not my problem") or he will sulk, whine, pick quarrels and storm out of the house. Or he will change the subject to the fact that you are not making yourself sexually available enough (selfish men nearly always complain about the lack of sex, because they see sex as another job the woman is supposed to perform for men's benefit).

You don't need help - you need your husband to do his fair share and like pp said actually co parent!

Ask him how he would manage as a single dad?

Go to bed when the kids go to bed.

Your dh is a lazy bastard. Please show him this thread. He should be ashamed.

I'd make a list of all the household chores that get done over the course of a week with the times they happen If not flexible (like when your DS is awake in the night) and the amount of time they take. Write down EVERYTHING. Every little thing. Then sit down with your DH and divide them up equally - not just in terms of the time they take but also in terms of how draining they are. Together make two lists - one for him and one for you - make sure that half the night shifts are on his list (unless he suggests an alternative that works for you). From now on he is responsible for everything on his list, you are responsible for everything on yours. Do not cover his tasks for him.

To be honest I'd also talk to the childminder about stopping your DS's day time nap to see if that makes a difference to his sleeping

Agree with PPs that if both work FT then parenting and household need to be 50:50 too. Point out that when you divorce him due to his opting out of family chores he will have the children to look after 50% of the time, so would he prefer to just step up and do it now instead?

Husband is grouchy and thinks their bed time routine is flawed.

I've tried doing later bedtimes, did it for a fortnight. So identical routine later on with DS2 going down around 9-915pm. He just started waking at 330/400 and then I felt even more frazzled knowing there was little chance of falling asleep before it was time to get up-usually up around 630 in mornings.

Put bedtime for DS2 back to 9.30.

Whoever does bedtime goes to bed then too, and is on night duty. The other person gets full night’s sleep & is on morning duty. Alternate. Your DH should do more nights in the week as he can sleep in longer in the mornings if he starts work later.

I’m not surprised you’ve been googling divorce - we both work ft, dh has a much better paid job and I do do more childcare but we shared the lie ins and the night wakings after ML ended.

Your DH is a pig - you know it.

I also think:

1. Agree with poster that said it is likely your younger one is sleeping too much and/or too late in childcare - hard to fix as they have no incentive to try and get them to sleep less - we had this. They do grow out of it.
2. have you tried putting your younger dc to bed earlier? I’ve found mine sleeps worse and worse the less she sleeps.

Regardless of whatever our parenting setup is though, the workload has to be shared as kids do wake up, have tough spells and you have a dh and he’s clearly not pulling his weight.

good with boys at the weekend, takes them out, playful stuff but none of boring, hard stuff such as mealtimes.

Point out he’s a parent 24-7, not just part-time on weekends, and he’ll have to do a damn sight more if he ends up divorced.

The name of your thread is wrong OP. You seem to see the kids as your responsibility and your DH has the option of 'helping' you or not. With this starting point you are doing yourself a massive disservice.

You both work and you both have 2 children. He needs to step up. You shouldn't be asking, he isn't doing you a favour, he needs to take responsibility for his kids.

I am on maternity leave and before that was PT and my DH did more than yours.

YANBU but only by drawing a line in the sand and being strong will you resolve this as he has no reason to want to.

I thought from the title that the thread was going to be about your parents (I'm sorry to hear you lost them young) or ILs. 'Help', from your own dh, the children's father? That's not 'help', it's called parenting. Especially as you both work FT!

His selfishness is staggering. What parent of young children has the time/opportunity to get up at 8 (!) every day, go for a run, no doubt faff around with a leisurely breakfast etc, and trundle into work at 10.30? FFS.

Later bedtime for ds2, and then at least you get a 6h chunk. And yes, alternate. The person who is not doing the night waking on any given night is the one who does the evening shift with ds2 after ds1 is in bed. So you each either get evening downtime or an uninterrupted night's sleep.

And if he won't? LTB. I'm (fairly) serious.

I didn't spot that LO was napping at childcare. I agree with PPs that reducing that, or making sure it's not too late in the afternoon could help a lot.

Your problem is a lazy husband who's little above a glorified babysitter/baby daddy. Do NOT quit work or go PT to enable this lazy twat.

I'd leave for a week. Don't ask. Tell. Announce after you're in the car. Tell him you need to rest because you almost crashed the car.

You could try the chore list and such, but IME, such people don't change.

At least if you're divorced you'll have some childfree time to get some rest.

If your DH only does fun stuff with the children at weekends, please tell me how he is not already acting like a divorced dad. Maybe you should point this out to him and ask him if he wants to make it official because he is going the right way about it if he does. He may think twice about doing his share of parenting if you also point out that ex wives very rarely do the man's food shop and laundry etc. Does he treat you like a fellow human being or the maid in matters not pertaining to your little ones because going on what you say, he sounds like a selfish ass?

Your husband is the problem. He sounds very selfish.
However, the long nap with the childminder cant be helping.
My heart used to sink when I arrived to collect dd and the cm would happily inform me that she had slept for 3 hours. Easy for the cm but not for the poor parent.

Your 'D'H is a massive prick. Tell him so, and if he doesn't believe you then do show him this post.

fwiw - I work 4 days, DH 5. on nights we both are working the next day we take it in turns to do the night wakings. I do thurs as I do not work friday and he does friday so I have a full night off. We each get a lie in at the weekend. We share chores pretty much 50/50 (but this does not include the mental load and finances ). We alternate bathtime/bedtime so Me - tues, thurs, sat Him- mon, weds, fri. We share sunday. I do drop offs at nursery as I start later, he does pick ups. I cook because he cant and he washes up. Whoever is not doing bathtime quickly tidies up the lounge and puts away toys.