Aibu - just had an argument with bf

[Tinkofhousepan]

Hi all, this is quite personal (and it's gonna be really long as ive got a lot to get off my chest so Sorry in advance), but I really need some impartial advice. I'm really confused and I genuinely don't know where to go from here or even if i should try to fix this. I am posting this in AIBU instead of relationships because people tend to give blunter answers - and that is what I need!

Been with BF for a while, we don't live together, but I stay at his every other night (he lives on his own, I am with parents saving for the seemingly impossible to obtain mortgage - this is relevant).

I have to commute for about 45 mins each way to work, whereas he works locally to where we both live, practically in the town centre and 5 mins walk from the pub. He goes to the pub every afternoon after he finishes work at 4. I work weird shift patterns so some weeks I finish at 5 and others I could finish as late as 8pm if we are running to time, sometimes we can still be there at gone 9 if something takes longer than expected or if we have a walk in emergency that can't wait.

On my early days when I get to our hometown at around 6 he is fine, and he genuinely is the loveliest most caring partner that I've ever had and I just want to be around him all the time because he makes me genuinely happy and I am in love with him, and I feel his love back.

He cooks for me, gets me tea/hot water bottles without me asking for them (just because I look like I need one), runs me baths, doesn't pester me for sex if he can see I've had a bad/stressful day or if I'm just exhausted. But our sex life is great, he has really embraced some of my more wacky desires and does it really well!

He texts me throughout the day taking a genuine interest in how its going, tells me several times a day that he loves/misses me. He is so attentive and makes me feel really special and loved throughout my work day - all great.

The problem is on my late weeks where he could end up being in the pub from 4pm - 9pm, and when I meet up with him he is obviously pretty drunk but still ok to be around, if a little belligerent and opinionated.

It's when I'm not going home with him on those occasions he goes really paranoid and starts a row over nothing. He will accuse me of getting up to no good and says he 'knows what I'm up to' but will not elaborate any further.

The other day i text him to ask if he was still in the pub so I could see him briefly and get a cuddle and a kiss on the way home, and he accused me of checking up on him to find out his wherabouts so I could meet someone else without worrying about bumping into him . I have never done this so I don't know where he got that idea from.

He gets quite hurtful and once he has this idea in his head, nothing will change his mind, not even if i take a picture of me sat in the living room or on my bed.

This happens on a fairly regular basis (3 times this week, latest one being tonight) literally over an non issue!

Tonight's was he was out with the boys, it got to midnight, I asked if he was coming over and he went all funny and passive aggressive saying that I had said I would stay at his tonight and calling me a liar etc.

When I relayed the conversation that we had had yesterday about where I was staying tonight and that he was welcome to stay over, and in the morning I'd make him a hangover breakfast feed the cats and then we would go to his for a 'fun' day (parents are away this weekend so have to be here to feed the cats -which he knows!!!!).

He started again accusing me of lying to him, and insisting that I had said nothing of the sort yesterday. He blew his top and went super cold on me when I screen shot and sent him the conversation where it showed i had said that i was home tonight and him saying that he remembered and that he might come over if he wasnt too drunk.

It sent him into a spin of him then asking me questions about my evening , what did i do? (ate fajhitas, had a bath and some wine and was chilling in bed watching the hobbit when this all kicked off) which pub did i go to? (Didn't go to any pub) who did I meet up with? (The freaking tooth fairy came round and we did a ouija board obviously) which are his way of trying to trip me up and catch me in a lie, so he can feel vindicated that he was justified in starting this whole pointless argument when he sobers up tomorrow.

It's really draining, and I am not happy for this behaviour to continue. The next day he is full of apologies etc, but I am now quite frankly fed up of this.

He is lovely in so many ways, but I can't help feeling that this is just something he does, and won't change or even try to change, and I don't want to deal with that any more.

What should I do?

Thanks for reading, it felt good just writing it all down.

OP, I just wanted to say that you sound amazing and you clearly have your head screwed on right. You've done the right thing, for sure.

I just went for a walk to buy some cigarettes, at least it's sunny today so I have the option to go out to the park go for a swing on the swings if there's no one around later if I want to.

I'm currently snuggled up on the sofa watching a horror film called ?clowntergeist? If anyone's seen it is it worth watching? with a cup of tea and with my cat on my lap giving me love.

I feel much calmer now, I 're read all the messages he has sent me freaking out over the last week, and all the messages from you lovely ladies (and gents?) And I can see the blatant manipulation in his messages to me, like being rude and cold and accusatory one evening and then lovebombing me to the max the next.

It really did take all of your inputs to really open my eyes to everything that in the back of my mind I knew was going on but for whatever reason never addressed or that I buried as I didn't want to ruin things by confronting him, as when he is sober he does treat me like a princess, or at least I thought that's what he was doing.

You guys have really really helped me do something that realistically I knew was the right thing for me to do after switching on me again last night and i knew that I had to do it sooner rather than later deep down, but without all of your messages and shared experiences i probably wouldn't have done until way later down the line, when things are more complicated and harder to end we were actually talking about moving in together soon .

You guys have helped me see some self worth, and made me realise that I need to respect myself and try to gain my confidence back which wasnt great at the best of times before we met, but I feel more confident in myself and this decision than I have about anything In a long time thanks to perfect strangers on the internet saying I'm worth more than this.

Again I really want to thank you all for reading my initial OP and taking the time to comment and give me the strength and backing I suppose i needed to go through with it and break up with him, instead of just silently fuming then falling back into the apology and love bomb trap.

I've heard on this aibu forum people being called vipers, so I was terrified of being ripped a new one. But you have all been so kind to me it is hard to believe that people that i have never met have made me realise that i am worth more than what i have been getting/thinking i deserve. Thank you all so much!

Sorry that was a ramble, it's just overwhelming the amount of support I have received when I really thought I'd be absolutely flamed. ❤

Perhaps see if you can sign up the the Freedom Programme?

I haven't heard of the freedom program before. I will check it out. Thanks

He isn't lovely. He is playing at being lovely to keep you around.

How he is, when you work late, is who he is. The alcohol makes it harder to hide.

I would seriously rethink if you can do this for the next 40/50yrs, because he is unlikely to maintain the first set of behaviors you posted about.

In fact, many men like this escalate.
Into violence.

You have done the right thing so stay strong.

I was once in a 5 year relationship very similar to yours. He had a drinking problem and would go to the pub for hours every evening after finishing work. Once he'd had a few drinks he would become unreasonable and would accuse me of this, that and the other. I was constantly being guilt tripped and accused of lying about my whereabouts. He was convinced I was cheating on him (although I later discovered that he was actually cheating on me) and would constantly question me trying to trip me up. If I didn't behave in the way that he wanted me to I would get the silent treatment, often going on for days at a time.

He didn't like me spending time with my friends and if I made arrangements to go out with them then he would emotionally manipulate me into cancelling my plans. He even told me that some of my friends had tried it on with him in an attempt to wreck my friendships and isolate me.

He was always telling me how much he loved me so I initially thought it was "normal" for a man to behave like this and I was flattered that he loved me so much (I was young and naive). However, he was an absolutely horrible drunk- very abusive and scary yet was lovely when sober. It's only now that I realise that he wasn't a nice guy who was badly affected by drinking too much. The reality was that he was a horrible man who managed to hide his nasty side when sober.

As the years went by, despite promising me he'd stop drinking, he'd try harder etc etc, he got worse. People like him don't change because they don't see what they're doing as wrong. You can explain over and over again how wrong their behaviour is and how it's affecting you, and they will say the right things at the time to get you to stay with them. However, they will ultimately slip back into this behaviour because it isn't just the alcohol talking, it's an ingrained part of their personality which is made worse through drinking.

I left my ex after almost 5 years together and it was the best decision of my life. Shortly afterwards I met my now dh who is the complete opposite of my ex. There are so many lovely, kind, good men out there- don't waste anymore time on this guy who will never be the man you want and need him to be. He won't change. You deserve better.

He's an awful, gaslighting wanker. He will continue to be like this. He might well come back full of apologies and stuff but you know he'll do it again.

'You're a twat when drunk, please cut down on the drinking' nah, it's not the alcohol that makes him a twat, he IS a twat, alcohol just makes it harder to hide.

Well done OP, you're being amazingly strong!

I just know im going to be made out to be the bad guy, insane, crazy, a witch for doing the deed by text etc etc.

Just because that's what he's going to tell you DOESN'T MEAN IT'S TRUE. (Sorry for shouting.)

When he says he wants a loving, trusting relationship what he means is that he wants you so totally under his thumb that you never dare do anything on your own, not even go to work. He will only trust you when you ask his permission before you nip to the shops - and then you'll have to send him real time photos to prove where you are.

He wants you afraid of him so that he can control you.

And please remember - the nicey nicey bits are the classic behaviour of a controller. They're not real, they're so that you'll do exactly what you are doing, remembering those times and minimising all the bad (really bad) stuff that's there so much of the time. They're not the real him, they're the act he puts on to reel you in.

Stay strong. However much you feel like it, you're not the one doing the wrong thing here.

Best decision you've made this year. You can do much better than this twat.

Get rid and go back to your folks now. He's an alcoholic. Oh, and yy, do the Freedom Programme before dating again.

this is what my dad was like when he first started drinking heavily. Although he was ALWAYS possessive.

He went on to become violent and abusive in every way you can think of. Miserable childhood for me and siblings. - maybe this will help provide you the strength to stay firm - my mother is completely literally beaten down, she has no life now retired her life is being his carer (because his body is wrecked from the drinking), even now she is almost 70 and if she takes too long at the Drs or supermarket she's accused of cheating etc and he plays the poor me "just leave me here to die it's fine it's what I deserve" 🙄

Alcohol doesn't change a person it reveals them - in vino veritas

Even if he were to quit the drink altogether he'd still be a possessive emotional bully.

What do your parents think of him? I'll bet they're not keen.

"There is a reason this man was still single in his thirties. Now you know why." Definitely

I think once you've done it and got your stuff out of his...you'll probably notice you're breathing properly again because a lot of tension you weren't aware of will be released.

You really don't owe him a thing.

"because he wasn't half as bad as some of the other guys I've ended up with" someone less abusive is still abusive. Sounds like you could benefit from staying single for now, getting some therapy/doing freedom programme

Well done and good luck

I just know im going to be made out to be the bad guy, insane, crazy, a witch for doing the deed by text etc etc.

Just because that's what he's going to tell you DOESN'T MEAN IT'S TRUE. (Sorry for shouting.)

Oh yes, this.

He'll try all ways to get your to rise to an argument, where he can manipulate, be outraged... and persuade you you are in the wrong (Pretty much like he does most days of the week in fact).

So, practice those sentences now to simply shut him down. He doesn't get to pull this shit on you any more. There's a reason you did this by text, and that's because he's an angry, aggressive nightmare that you are absolutely not obliged to listen to any more.

'You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't agree.'

'I'm sorry you think that, but I've made my decision and told you in the way I considered safest for me. I too am sad that your behaviour over the last few months has made that necessary.'

'I wish you all the best, please don't contact me again -I've said everything I wish to.'

I just got a text.. and 3 missed calls. I don't want to read the message.

You read it when you're ready. It'll all be fine - first step to having this over and done with.

Don't read if you don't want. Just don't delete (you might need them as evidence later) and don't reply (that will only satisfy his ego).

Stay strong

Going to the pub to drink every day is not normal. His behaviour is abusive. You've got to get out now. You really don't need us to tell you this do you?

Usually, if you are noticing negative traits that are VERY worrying (like the ones you've explained), then they only intensify when you move in together, and particularly when you have children (if you want them). He will continue to behave like this if you had a child, because he is dependent on drink and because having children can be VERY stressful. You need a loving, caring, unselfish partner, who you can depend on and who will provide a happy home life.

He won't change, this is who he is. You deserve and can find better.

Just read the whole thread, sorry. And it looks like you've already left him. You've done the right thing xx

Hey op
Just read the whole thing.

Firstly well done for seeing the light.

Read the text when you are ready....DO NOT answer the phone.

Something you said on a previous page struck me....about how you thought all his questioning and possessiveness was because he really loved and cared about you.

I used to think like this.

It's not true!

It's a sign of a sexist, controlling wanker.

Someone texting you all the time, declaring undying love in two seconds, and wanting all your attention is a big waving red flag.

Real men, who really care don't need to constantly text and hassle you, they don't try and control who you see or where you go.

Ditch him, block him, and raise your bar as high as you can.

You probably already know that text will be trying to convince you to change your mind, and when you don't he'll probably start calling you every name under the sun. Be prepared for it, see it for what it is, a nasty weak little man trying to get his own way. I know that horrible sick feeling of not wanting to open a text message. But he can't hurt you if you don't let him. It's just words. From a very nasty individual who you'll definitely be better without

Read the text when you’re ready. If for now you’re still at cat cuddles and LotR that’s ok too.

For what it’s worth another one here thinking you’ve done the right thing.

Tink I was once in a horrible situation with an exP. I had posted on a forum, not this one, and got masses of support. When I had to confront the ex I knew all the posters who'd responded to me were in the room with me, protecting me and making me strong.

When and if you do read the message, please remember that you're not alone. We are all with you in the room.

(Sorry if that sounds a bit mushy. But it made a world of difference to me and how I was able to deal with things.)

So glad you have ended it with him. Don't you dare let him guilt or persuade you into giving it another go. He WILL NOT change. Don't waste another second of your life on this loser. You are way way better than him.

Hello Tink, I’ve been following this thread since you first posted. I’ve been in similar situations and I really hoped that you would be able to end this relationship and you have.
Re the message, is it possible to delete without reading? If not another option might be to get a friend to read and delete. Then if I was you I would block his number.