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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not leave my LO with his grandparents

47 replies

NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:04

My LO grandparents - (PIL) well actually just my MIL keep on asking me and my husband to go out when we visit to have time to ourselves and leave LO with them... we keep declining as neither of us feel comfortable leaving him with them as they have mobility issues( can’t pick him up from his play mat, can’t carry him upstairs to his cot, they have no changing table either so nappy changes need to be done on the floor which again they couldn’t do. My MIL also believes we should let him ‘cry it out’ when he wakes in the night and keeps mentioning it every time we visit despite us saying our method works for us.
My husband doesn’t want to upset them by giving the reasons we wouldn’t leave him with them. But I feel we need to say something as it’s being suggested everyday we stay with them now. At first she blamed me and said it was because I had a problem being away from him, told me the longer I left it the harder it would be! (I’ve had several nights out with friends and he’s been home with his dad) and we’ve managed one date night when very close friends of ours looked after him. Which considering he’s only 6 months old I think is good! Not sure what to do to stop the constant pestering. I’ve so grateful of the offer it’s just not possible :( help please!

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 10/02/2018 19:08

I wouldnt leave my LO overnight with anyone who would cry it out.

NewYearNewMe18 · 10/02/2018 19:11

I think, very nicely you need to say that their mobility is an issue, that baby is heavy and they wont be able to pick him up from the floor. Followed by, at 6 months neither you nor DP are comfortable leaving him at such a young age.

Not sure what the issue is with staying over night with the ILs though but it seems a shame to isolate them out because of their respective disabilities if they are otherwise loving people.

Snowydaysarehere · 10/02/2018 19:12

Until they agree with your parenting methods it a no.
Your dc isn't a toy.

Baby Annabell is fifty quid tell them.

Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:15

We visit them once a month/2month and stay for a few days, so more than happy staying with them, and they are lovely with him! Don’t begrudge them spending time with him at all. They just need one of us on hand to help. We’ve tried just sitting back and relaxing and letting them take care of him while we are they but we’ve seen them struggle and have to ask for help. It’s mskes me so sad he won’t be able to spend time alone with them until he’s more self sufficient. It’s just not safe to leave him with them alone :(

OP posts:
Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:17

Unfortunately MIL has very dated parenting methods and doesn’t seem to embrace our way of doing things just yet :-/

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 10/02/2018 19:20

If they’re asking every time your DH may have to be honest.

That might in the end be kinder.

TheQueenOfWands · 10/02/2018 19:21

Why are they so desperate to be alone with him? That would weird me out.

Do you think they want to cut his hair or something?

Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:22

I think your right thistlebelle. He just doesn’t want to cause friction... but I fear leaving it without saying anything will do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:23

Thequeenofwands - I don’t understand it either! While we are they they get to cuddle and play and do all the fun bits without dealing with everything else! Good end of the deal if you ask me!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:27

I think my MIL still thinks I have issues leaving him. I’m happy to leave him with those we see fit to take care of him as we do! I think when she had her children her and my FIL stopped going out and being romantic etc, I suspect she doesn’t want that happening to her son. But we have date nights in now and we love our new life with our son. Not sure what else I can do to make her see we are happy. Tired, but loving parenthood!

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 10/02/2018 19:27

Just say no, that you are not going to leave him.

As for them telling you to let your child cry out, they can give advice but you do not need to take it. Just say you disagree with that method.

Cornettoninja · 10/02/2018 19:29

I wouldn't be happy leaving my dd with them until she was reliably verbal to be honest. I'm sure they love her but I'd be wary of they're openly scorning your methods. They should be politely internally rolling their eyes imho.

I think you can honestly say that you can't ask that if them given their mobility.

melclaire1111 · 10/02/2018 19:30

I haven't left Dd over night with anyone yet (22 months old) mainly because my parents are too old and in too much ill health and MIL constantly tells us how her children all slept through at 3 months and I know she just used to leave then to cry. Dd still doesn't sleep through (only nornally up once or twice a night) but I still won't leave her with anyone who would just let her cry.

Eggzandbacon · 10/02/2018 19:32

It's not a good idea if you don't agree on parenting issues.
I once left DD alone with MIL without really thinking that she would have different ideas to me.

She in fact had locked 6 month old DD in a room because she was crying. I'm glad we came back as she was actually unwell.
9 years later I am still angry about it.

Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 19:34

I’m not ready to leave him overnight with anyone. We have only left him for a few hours once he’s in bed with our friends. I’d be way to anxious leaving him all night! MIL keeps suggesting we go out for lunch/coffee and leave him with them. I’ve just been speaking to her arranging their next visit to us send she’s already saying, which day shall we take care of him so you two can go out :(

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bettydraper31 · 10/02/2018 19:35

I wouldn’t leave my DD with my PIL either. For one main reason- hot drinks. They refuse to put them up high on a shelf, they will only put them on the coffee table, right on the edge. Easy to knock over and burn someone. This is my only reason but their complete lack of understanding of this terrifies me. They could easily put them on the mantle shelf but they won’t. I have brought up my daughter never to touch mugs in case they have hot drinks in, once MIL was staying at our house and I caught her letting DD put her hand in her mug! Wtf?

Sorry to hijack your post... went off on a tangent there.

bettydraper31 · 10/02/2018 19:37

Stick to your guns OP, you DONT have to leave him with them. End of! He’s your son, she’ll have to get over it.

Saying things like “which day are you going out”.. is so snide and underhand, just reply and say “we’re not, we’re looking forward to seeing you, we have no need to go out”.

She’ll eventually stop asking.

EssentialHummus · 10/02/2018 19:43

"No, we won't be doing that." "It doesn't suit us." "That's kind of you to offer, but no thanks." No "sorry". She's your daughter, you're not obliged to leave her with / lend her to anyone.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2018 19:43

If they have serious mobility issues, you would be crazy to even consider leaving your child with them once he is mobile. They are physically incapable of responsibly caring for a baby. End of story. Stop hedging around the issue and just tell them how you feel already. YOU are the parent and YOU make the rules. Don't apologize or feel bad for making the best decisions for your child.

EssentialHummus · 10/02/2018 19:47

...your son, rather. Sorry.

HeyhoIndigo · 10/02/2018 19:59

I think that MIL is trying to control how you parent. She wants to have LO to herself to do things her way. So no, she doesn't get to. She/they should not be undermining your way of doing things unless you have asked for their advice.

You have achieved a date night and LO is still only six months old, which is good. I don't think you would relax if you left LO with them anyway so it'd be counterproductive. Perhaps he can go for a sleepover when he is 6 or 7 ? You need to stand your ground on this and YANBU.

isadoradancing123 · 10/02/2018 20:04

Why can't you just ask her straight how she will manage as she can't lift or carry him, surely she must be aware that she cannot anage

Original poster
NewMuma17 · 10/02/2018 20:13

Thanks everyone! Just been chatting to my Husband about and he’s going to talk to his mum, let her know we won’t be leaving him with her and reassure her we are getting all the time we need to ourselves so she needn’t worry about our date nights!

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Tistheseason17 · 10/02/2018 20:24

Don't laugh but just leaving both our DC for first time overnight and they're 5 and 6! Always been me or DH with them except for 1 night when DC2 was born but even then it was from 10pm and DC1 was already asleep!
Do what's right for you.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 10/02/2018 20:28

All these suspicious minds. I'm sure it's judt gp wanting to help out, spend time with their gs.

Just say it's time you want to spend with them. I'd never let mil have my youngest alone. I'd never be so harsh though.

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