AIBU to not leave my LO with his grandparents

[NewMuma17]

My LO grandparents - (PIL) well actually just my MIL keep on asking me and my husband to go out when we visit to have time to ourselves and leave LO with them... we keep declining as neither of us feel comfortable leaving him with them as they have mobility issues( can’t pick him up from his play mat, can’t carry him upstairs to his cot, they have no changing table either so nappy changes need to be done on the floor which again they couldn’t do. My MIL also believes we should let him ‘cry it out’ when he wakes in the night and keeps mentioning it every time we visit despite us saying our method works for us.
My husband doesn’t want to upset them by giving the reasons we wouldn’t leave him with them. But I feel we need to say something as it’s being suggested everyday we stay with them now. At first she blamed me and said it was because I had a problem being away from him, told me the longer I left it the harder it would be! (I’ve had several nights out with friends and he’s been home with his dad) and we’ve managed one date night when very close friends of ours looked after him. Which considering he’s only 6 months old I think is good! Not sure what to do to stop the constant pestering. I’ve so grateful of the offer it’s just not possible :( help please!

I'm lost with the suspicious minds comment Marriedwithchildren.

Rttt. Couple of comments.

Calm down with the eyebrow raise Marriedwithchildren. Ive been following the thread and can't see myself which comments suggested suspicious minds.

Um I'll calm my eyebrows!!! Literally a few posts accusing pil of wanting to show off their parenting. Being a bit weird wanting time alone. Op agreeing. I'm not copying and posting for you though.

I had this exact situation with my family. I told them that due to their mobility issues they couldn't have my ds alone. They weren't happy but they got over it.

It's totally different now he's 6 and he has a great relationship with them.

You like that emoticon, don't you.

My favourite! Especially when it suits!

she’s already saying, which day shall we take care of him so you two can go out

Some people cant do right for doing wrong. Most couple would bite their arm off for some alone time with a partner. On the other hand, some don't.

Jesus wept.

OP, I think in your shoes I would find it difficult to leave my LO with someone who has mentioned several times a preference for a parenting method that I don't feel comfortable with, no matter what their overall intentions. Its good that your DH is going to talk to them and hopefully will put an end to this for you.

The sentiment’s lovely NewYear but I don’t think OP and her DH will enjoy date night whilst worrying that their infant is dropped/left in an unsafe spot/crying with no consolation.

@Eggzandbacon omg ! I would be so upset if someone did that to my 6m old dd!

YANBU

My mum was like this at the start.

She's not really physically capable of looking after a small child and my dad is next to useless (I love the man but he's a lazy fucker and my mum feeds it, literally fetches all his drinks).

I had one day when I let her get on with it and realise that she couldn't carry DD upstairs safely, do the poppers on her clothes, etc. I had to be quite hard nosed, e.g. saying 'why is she half dressed?' instead of helping.

In a way the physical limitations are a bit of a smokescreen, if it were just that I'd probably try to find ways around it, but it's more the 'smack her legs' (instead of a baby gate), 'you're spoiling her' (2 months bf on demand crying for a feed) type comments that's stopped me leaving her with my mum.

MIL had her 6pm - 1am at 3 months so we could go to a concert, and now has her 1 day a week (18 months). MIL follows our rules, and the slightly different rules when looking after her other, 10 month old, GD. MIL never comments on our parenting choices except positively. MIL is a fucking saint to be honest.

We have plenty of alone time now he is in his own room and in bed at 7pm every night! I’m not being ungrateful for the offer at all. I’m concerned for the safety of my child and my MIL! Last thing we want is her having a fall and injuring herself or our LO. What I don’t understand is why she keeps offering when she’s not physically able to take care of him alone. And when we drive for three hours to visit it’s because we want to spend time with them and our LO, not swan off for a night out and leave them to it! :)

Gandalfspants pretty much as bad as each other then?

Don't make it an experiment. Do what you feel comfortable with. Hope it all turns out ok!

It's really good that your MIL is respecting the differing parenting styles of the respective parents of her GC Gandalf.

You don't need to leave your baby with anyone you don't want to, for any reason at all.

Whether they are physically capable or not, their different parent methods, or anything else.

I'd probably not leave it to your husband to explain, it's harder for him since it is his own mum, so easier for you to explain.

"We don't need to leave him, we've come to see you. "
"I'm not ready to leave him with anyone yet."
"As you are not able to change a nappy or move him up to his bed it is just not possible."
"Your desire to let him cry it out actually contradicts my own parenting style."

I'd go for the first two, there is little to be gained by telling the full truth, IMHO. If they have not worked out yet they cannot manage then proving it to them could be embarrassing.

My dd did not go to anyone overnight until aged 3 and ds (adopted at 3) will get his first night away from one of us this year, after four years!

sorry... will get his first night away from both of us this year, after four years!

Thank you everyone. I’ve tried the, we’ve come to see you not go out and leave you babysitting! And saying I’m not ready causes my MIL to think I have a problem being away from my LO.
My hubby is more than happy to talk to her in a tactful way, I think our LO May even be crawling by their next visit to us and she may not offer when he’s even more hardwork! Haha!

Is there anyway you could set up a situation so that your ILs could see for themselves how difficult they would find it? Maybe you go and cook a meal and leave them alone with the baby popping your head back round the door to say things like "would you mind just changing his nappy?", "could you just put him on the play mat for a bit?" "if he's crying would you mind just walking him around for a bit patting his back?"

Maybe if they can see for themselves that they can't do those things, then it will be easier for your DH (and it should be your DH!) to say to them next time they ask "but mum when we just went in the next room, you couldn't manage. We had to come back in and help you"

Thanks @DeathStare we have already tried this, both FIL and MIL just made an excuse each time as to why they couldn’t pick him up, change his nappy etc or they laugh and say oh we’ll wait for mummy/daddy to come and do that!
We have decided to try this approach again so that my husband can simply step in and say I think your avoiding doing these things because you can’t manage them yourself, or something to the effect without offending them hopefully!

To be honest you just need to say no thank you. You don't need a reason and it doesn't matter what they think.

You defiantly put your little ones needs first. And it does sound like mobility would cause issues if they were solely looking after dc.
They are still getting time with their gc is the main thing and the fact you stay means it is for a longer period.