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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to adopt my DH's son?

55 replies

JenniferAldridge · 01/05/2007 13:05

My DH had a torrid secret affair several years ago - now the OW claims to be dying from cancer and wants me to adopt their son! AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Aloha · 01/05/2007 13:06

How old are you Jennifer? Do you have any other children? Do they know about the affair. >

controlfreaky2 · 01/05/2007 13:06

no yanbu..... but your dh may leave you..... and leave the farm to the true biological seed of his loins.... and you pfb adam may have to reinvent himself as the reincarnation of a colourful antiques dealer......

MamaG · 01/05/2007 13:07

are you a namechanger?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 01/05/2007 13:07

do you have a relationship with the son? how involved is your dh in his life? was the affair during your relationship?

OrmIrian · 01/05/2007 13:07

You mean old cow! Stop being so horrid to poor ickle Roaeuiieeeoioirghirrryyeeyy

themoon66 · 01/05/2007 13:07

That's a difficult one... how old is the son? How old are your children?

Original poster
JenniferAldridge · 01/05/2007 13:11

I don't feel it's proper to talk about personal matters but you could say I am old enough to be a grandmother! (In fact I am a grandmother!)

Yes, I do have other children, and some of them know about the affair, in fact it caused a huge rift between my eldest daughter and my DH when she found out (not that he is her biological father but that's a mere trifle in a matter of this magnitude)

OP posts:
marieg76 · 01/05/2007 13:11

I don't think that there is any need to think about adopting the son at this stage. Surely, if the OW is dying of cancer, there will be a stage where the son will move in with you (if that's what your DH wants) and yoou could look at adoption further down the line.

I lived with my dad and his wife for a number of years. He adopted her kids but she didn't adopt my brother and I - always made us wonder what was wrong with us really

Blandmum · 01/05/2007 13:14

jennifer, do you have a rather nice swimming pool, where you could go and relax?

I think you might need to relax and then have something nice for tea. venison???

How is Paddy the Pig man keeping?

ledodgy · 01/05/2007 13:18
Grin
slowreader · 01/05/2007 13:28

Jennifer, you may want to listen to a radio 4 program that deals with someone in a very similar situation. It is on on weekdays at 7pm, I understand not well known in your area but may be of help.

plasticnancy · 01/05/2007 13:29

Ask Eddy Grundy love.

plasticnancy · 01/05/2007 13:30

and for what it's worth I think you should adopt the poor little boy. It could mean some great story lines for you.

Spidermama · 01/05/2007 13:33

I would. If you are serious about loving your dh you should make it your duty and business to love every part of him and this very much includes his son.

ipanemagirl · 01/05/2007 13:34

Jennifer it's simple.
This time he's gone too far.

TAKE
HIM
TO
THE
CLEANERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kimi · 01/05/2007 13:36

How old is the little boy?
Does your DH have contact with him?

I would find it really hard if I was n this situation tbh, However if this little boy is going to lose his mummy he is going to need a home and family.

ipanemagirl · 01/05/2007 13:38

you know that the boy's aunt will be no good. And Granny is too old for the job. Your DH is going to make you choose. It's him with the boy or nothing.
So take the farm, take him to the cleaners. He can live in one of the Holiday Cottages and run the half of the farm you let him have.

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 13:39

Don't see why you need to adopt him. Being somebody's stepmother is equally valid to my mind. The point is your in loco parentis. Had an argument last night with dh about the amount I am doing for his children which I think he should be doing and made the point that I am in a position of responsibility towards them so can't just leave them to fend for themselves if they need food, their clothes washing, etc. I personally don't see what difference adoption makes as long as you're together anyway!

Blandmum · 01/05/2007 13:39

Look, jenifer, if you are who I think you are, your 'd'h has 'past'. Remember the Country Park? It was all apologies then wsn't it?

and he flirted with the French woman.

And mandy.

How many times do you forgive this man???

Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 13:40

Sorry - just read the last post - x-posted. Is the real question whether you should have the boy live with you? I accept that my dsc will live with us if their mother dies of the cancer she has. It would never occur to me to refuse, but I suppose your situation is slightly different if the child is the result of an affair he had whilst with you...

OrmIrian · 01/05/2007 13:41

Ooohh ...didn't he also have a thing with Caroline Bone

ipanemagirl · 01/05/2007 13:42

and if you do relent and take the boy in -
How will you explain him??????????????? Enough people know about him for it to be obvious why you and dh have taken him on.

littlelapin · 01/05/2007 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JenniferAldridge · 01/05/2007 13:42

But if the boy is allowed to come and live with us everyone in the village will know that my DH had an affair - I couldn't bear the humiliation!

I could divorce him I suppose, he is a very rich man so the settlement would be ample, and move to South Africa where my second daughter lives; but all my family live in the village too and I would have to leave them all behind

And we have a sweet innocent teenage daughter, revising terribly hard for her A levels, who would be so shocked and upset to discover the truth about her father.

OP posts:
ipanemagirl · 01/05/2007 13:44

well it's a simple choice

1]Keep yr husband and take the child
2]Lose husband.

Deal with it Jennifer, stop making brownies and hoping it will go away. It won't.