To consider having a baby alone

[callyclover]

I got pregnant very young. I worked really hard and managed to buy our home and have a nice life in a limited sort of way. I have a warm relationship with first child but she has grown up.

In many ways I feel I have really missed parenting. Many of my friends have small children. I feel doing it again would be positive.

Id have to use a sperm donor as I do not have a partner - is this a ridiculous idea?

I am in a similar situation but am the child. Don't do it, it's fucking horrible and it's really selfish.

So tigerbasil you would rather not exist? Because that's the alternative, it's not like OP has a great partner who wants a kid that she is considering leaving and doing it alone just for fun.

The only thing is OP, it's interesting how you say you have lived a limited life because of becoming a parent early. Well one good thing about becoming a parent early is that you are finished pretty early as well. If you really feel your life has been limited, now is your chance to do whatever you want. It won't be exactly the same as your 20s, but you have more than enough time to study for a new career, take up hobbies, travel, etc. If these things don't interest you anyway then why do you say your life has been limited by not having done them?

Go for it OP!!!

Well, put it this way, I would never put a child in the situation I'm in on purpose. So I suppose in a round about way, yes.

And Thursday, it's not about the op, it's about the child who would grow up not knowing their father or anything about that side of themselves ON PURPOSE. I don't get how anyone thinks it's anything other than selfish to actively plan to do that pre conceiving a child.

Yes but you said you were the child of someone who also did this. Fair enough if it's been something difficult in your life. But are you saying it's been so difficult you would rather not have existed? If your answer is no, then why wouldn't OPs future kid feel the same way?

And yes, having kids is selfish in the sense that it's something you want and do for yourself. That's true of every parent in every situation.

I guess I just think that having one loving, stable parent is more than a lot of people have so if you have this you are doing OK.

Many, many people have life long issues over having a terrible father (or mother, or both). Whether that be through negligence, abuse, alcoholism/drug addiction or just not caring. Or their parent died. Or is in jail for a terrible crime. Or committed a terrible crime and isn't in jail.

So not having a dad at all is just one possible source of problems and is far from the worst parental situation that one can be in.

Absolutely, I wonder why more women don't do this when they want another child.

One thing to really consider is that the risk of disability and SEN. I was a single parent at 20, and my daughter has ADHD and ASD. Risk of both of those conditions go up a lot at 40. It made single parenting for me a lot harder, she was extra challenging because of the ADHD and not affectionate because of the ASD. If my daughter didn't go to her father regularly I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. I went on to another relationship eventually and had two more children. Another with ADHD, but much easier to deal with with another adults support and with them being very affectionate made all the difference. I definitely wouldn't chose single parenting a child with ADHD single handedly again. Obviously for me my risk is high, if there is no family history it may be a much lower risk for you.

Have you considered looking for a sperm donor and co-parent in one? I'm vaguely aware of that as an option but not sure how easy that set up is to find. A quick google came up with this: www.coparents.co.uk

The heart side of these situations is always easy - you yearn for a baby, there is a way to have one without needing to involve anyone else, you have a realistic idea of motherhood - yeay, go for it.

But the head side is more difficult. You have a young adult child who may still need support, you work full time and will need to continue to work. So childcare is going to make a big impact on your finances. You are nearly 40 and single, so you really need to have a good idea of how your pension is looking so that you are comfortable in your retirement. The expense and career impact shouldn't be shrugged off - these are absolutely life altering.

I can definitely understand the desire for another child to raise, but I would be terrified of ending up in poverty as a result. You have worked hard, you have raised your daughter well. That might have to be enough.

Have you thought about how the new baby will feel not having a father? Not ever knowing who their father is? While your other DD has a father and knows who he is.

Tiger, would you be able to expand a bit on why it is horrible? I would be interested to hear your voice.

Thursday it is hard to explain. When you have a baby a good ten years before most of your peers even think about it and she goes to university when they are just starting to get misty-eyed, you are hugely out of step. I have missed out on a lot and meeting someone nice is a big part of that.

Having a baby again is like this. Imagine you were going on the trip of a lifetime and came down with flu. The airline staff and hotel can't do enough to help you but you still feel wretched for a lot of the trip even though you can see whereyou are is beautiful and exciting.

It is about wanting to do that trip again in full health

As long as you can financially support , then go for it deffinatly! Everyone has a different idea about the ideal family, sometimes you do t need a partner in it x

Go for it. I know women who have successfully used sperm donors and they've never looked back.

But Thursday that question makes no sense. It makes a lot of things in my life hard emotionally, particularly when I was younger, and also now - the question of whether or not someone would rather exist is fruitless, as most people in shitty situations have something they want to live for now that they're here, tha doesn't mean all is fine and dandy. It is more productive to ask would I ever wish the situation on my own child or even my own worst enemy? No I wouldn't. I would never ever actively put my own child in the same situation

I only have one parent and I have had a 'good' life, I have been privileged, the parent I have is excellent but that doesn't change the fact I feel like half a person. That probably wouldn't be as bad if the decision had been made with my best interests at heart (eg parents split and one parent abusive / ends up not bothering / adoption) because at least there is an option that they even exist and you know you 'could' find out, when the decision is made before the child is even in existence I just can't understand it. If you've never been in a situation where you will never ever have even an idea of that one parent etc and all the other shit that comes with that then you probably won't understand.

Sorry I added in adoption and meant that as in the fact you already exist in that situation so if people adopt they're doing it as a positive for the child if that makes sense.

If you can support the child financially and provide a good quality of life, I'd go for it. If it would be a struggle to make ends meet I wouldn't.

We live in a changing world. I think some of identity issues come with the society rigid expectations and the feeling of “being different” as a child or from the sudden discovery in adulthood that the parents had covered up. Those society norms are a thing of the past and we get to create a new norm.

You already know what this child will be missing out on and so you are in a perfect position to help them work through this as a young child/adult. As long as you are truthful from the outset, your child will grow up with much more acceptance than you know.

You are considering giving someone the gift of life! It is not at all selfish IMHO as long as you give consideration beforehand.

It is a tricky one tiger

Did your (mother, I assume) use an anonymous donor?

It's really tricky, and I do agree that times are changing and by the time the potential child gets older it would be a lot more normal, especially with the donor eggs and sperm getting more commonplace, but I don't know if that helps with the way I feel as it doesn't help personally with knowing anything about the other side of yourself and it gets a bit complicated too where getting pregnant with you was purely self serving.

My mother essentially used an anonymous donor but in not the same way as today it was the 80s, all a bit weird. Obviously you have to make whatever decision you do for yourself at this point but I do urge you to think about the potential complications for any child that there would be as a result, i know I would also be extremely jealous if I had a sibling who didn't have the same situation, but I know this is just my experience, so perhaps others feel differently.

I know a few people who have similar situations and have started finding it much harder now they're older / having children of their own, for various reasons, but obviously that's a small sample! I can only tell you how it feels for me - good luck x

Sperm donation isn’t anonymous anymore so the dc would be able to trace them at 18.

Personally I’d rather find someone irl who was happy to ‘donate’ so it was more flexible with regards to contact.

Tiger - I really respect hearing your side of it.

As I say, I have two friends who've gone down the route of having babies by sperm donor, and I've always been fully supportive. As I say, along the lines of - if the baby is well loved, etc.

But I really hear what you're saying.

I do think it is 'easy' when the children are children. But much harder as they become adults, with adult understanding.

It is a platitude to say you're loved and wanted, because I'm sure you are.
More than many.

But it must be very hard to have half your genetic make-up be effectively a mystery.

There is a boy in DCs class that was conceived using donor sperm. The boy has a few learning difficulties and is not a happy child. His mum has to work full time and he's been in 50 hours + of childcare a week since he was tiny. He had a complete meltdown in school on bring your dad to breakfast morning. He quite openly tells the other kids he wishes he had a dad. He's an N of 1 but from what I've seen it really hasn't worked out great for him.

That's it @TheDowagerCuntess - it's all very complicated! I think people have good intentions when they use sperm donors etc and it must be soul destroying to have to make that decision through essentially no fault of your own so I do see how that is really really hard.

but I also think the children of these sort of situations get a lot burdened on them emotionally just by being born and it makes things complicated for them. Especially when you also have the guilt where your parent really is brilliant and has done everything 'right by you' if that makes sense. Which I'm sure is also true for those who have one absent parent / non biological parents, but I just don't think I could make the decision to actively get pregnant with this in mind, it is a life long burden.

I kind of also think the damage has been done by 18, and if someone is donating sperm then as selfless as that can be, they still don't actively want to be your 'parent' so at 18 that also raises questions - and as the other parent you know that before you receive donor sperm.

I hate to be a Debbie downer as I know people are not doing it for fun, I'm sure it's generally a last resort for want of a better phrase, but I do think the child's feelings get lost in it all a bit!

@tigerbasil

I 100% agree with you. I also come from a "non-conventional" family with one wonderful, wonderful parent. But I absolutely wanted to have a normal family with my two biological parents in a relationship when growing up. That was what all of my friends had. I was very conscious of being different, and not knowing one side of my family. You can't have a child with no father or mother, you are simply denying that one or both exists, he or she is still out there with half of the child's genetic material, as the child will be acutely aware from an early age (eg early primary school when everyone is making Mother's Day and Father's Day cards and talking about their parents - I don't doubt my "My Dad" story which was displayed on the wall with all of the others raised eyebrows among other parents).

I am very conventional in my outlook - I would never dream of deliberately having children on my own or other than in a stable relationship with the other biological parent, no doubt because of my own issues growing up. I find that my views on this are at odds with most of my friends, all of whom grew up in stable, conventional families. I do feel like it's easy for them to say, "all that matters is love".

Yes there are lots of bad family set-ups - but most people do not deliberately condemn a child to emotional burdens in this way. You wouldn't say eg "I have severe uncontrollable anger management issues, but I'm going to have a child anyway as there are lots of parents who beat their children."

I have to say the discussions on surrogacy and same-sex parents and anonymous donors frequently anger me, as it is so common for the discussion not to touch on the child at all, it is all about the adults.

As to the argument that it's better for someone to exist than not, that would justify so many things, like:
(1) "I'm a crack cocaine addict but I really want to get pregnant right now, should I go ahead even if I'll be taking crack cocaine throughout pregnancy?"
(2) "I have a deep desire to be pregnant and give birth but I don't want to raise a child or be traceable in any way - should I get pregnant, then have the baby and leave it on a doorstep?"
etc...