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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO be unsure if I’m being abused or I’m the abuser?

32 replies

caketree93 · 09/02/2018 12:12

To start from the start, I’m 24 (female)and have been with my gf for a little over a year. We were originally together for 8 months, which ended due to her serially cheating on me. She broke u

OP posts:
Original poster
caketree93 · 09/02/2018 12:29

I hit the wrong button! Anyway, she broke up with me, I was madly in love with her, we still hung out a lot and were still sleeping together.Eventually, a situation arose where she somehow managed to get me, the girl she cheated on me with and her new girlfriend in the same bar. I lost the head completely and we didn’t speak for three weeks. We started speaking again because she overdosed and I ran to the rescue (it should be noted she has no family, hence I am mother come girlfriend come sister etc) After that we got back together, but this time she said she really loved me and it was different from last time. I was happy, but she was in this never ending financial problem so I have been paying for everything as well as running a huge number of errands for her and minding her when she is sick, which seems to be almost all the time even though she refuses to take the medicine prescribed to her. She doesn’t seem to understand that her being sick is a strain on me because i feel i have to mind her

In the last few weeks we kept fighting because my patience was low and I was sick of her letting me down (I was gone home for Xmas, she didn’t pick me up from airport, there was no food in the house even though I had left her a full shop before I left, she still had made no progress on moving job as promised, essentially just nothing was done because I didn’t do it) then she went out and didn’t come home after saying she would. She said that given I had only said ‘I would prefer if you came home’ and she said ok, that meant it was still optional. I know these things seem petty, but I Was frustrated that I seemed to have a teenager rather than a girlfriend.

Last week, she came at me with a knife after I told her she was being an asshole for saying me and all my studies were shit. Later she said she couldn’t remember doing this and we sorry but that I was overreacting and she would never have hurt me. I immediately told our two housemates what happened, then secretly got a flight home and haven’t told her I don’t plan to come back yet. This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened but it is the most severe. Other times it’s been throwing backpacks in my direction in public, or squaring up to me saying ‘do you want to see what I’m like when I’m really annoyed?’. Now I’m wondering if it’s really me who is the bad guy, because I started getting frustrated with her only after she seems to have gotten emotionally attached? Am I too controlling and demanding?

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 09/02/2018 12:37

I think you leaving is the right thing,
You've done what you can for her.

loveinanelevator · 09/02/2018 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

awankstainonhumanity · 09/02/2018 12:44

You need to get out of this relationship. it isn't good for either of you.

Yawnyprawn · 09/02/2018 12:45

Sounds like a rollercoaster relationship. She sounds very troubled and volatile and honestly, I think walking away is the best thing you can do at this point. Her problems probably pre-date your relationship and are bigger than a partner can reasonably take on or 'fix'. Don't over think or get into a cycle of doubting yourself. She's treated you appallingly, there's no two ways about it. Walk away with your head held high; you've done nothing to deserve that treatment. I wish you all the very best. Flowers

Original poster
caketree93 · 09/02/2018 12:48

NO that’s That thread was also me, just I keep thinking about it from different angles hence more questions

OP posts:
loveinanelevator · 09/02/2018 12:52

Ok, sorry about that was just sure I'd read it before!!

babyccinoo · 09/02/2018 12:53

Of course you did the right thing.

I hope you're not paying her living expenses anymore?

You don't owe her anything.

Block and delete.

redexpat · 09/02/2018 13:08

You cannot help those who wont help themselves. She needs to help herself. You cant do it for her. It is simply not your problem.

You are not obliged to give your time, love, energy and money to anyone. Even less so when that person has been abusive. Nothing you do can warrant someone coming at you with a knife.

She is abusive. You are neither controlling nor demanding.

usualGubbins · 09/02/2018 13:13

You did the very best thing. Now block her on every medium. Any more contact will result in you returning to enable her appalling behaviour. (and I don't say that in blaming you, but that is what has been happening)

floriad · 09/02/2018 13:23

Yes, distance yourself and block her.

Her behaviour was absolutely unacceptable and continuing a relationship with her will probably encourage her to do similar if not worse things...

translationAndRotation · 09/02/2018 13:26

Lesbian relationships are statistically prone to violence. You are in a violent relationship although it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong.

Don't go back. Are your possessions still at the house? Ask the police for advice as to how you can retrieve them safely. Tell them about the knife incident. Even if you aren't looking to press charges they will make sure that you have access to the property (it sounds like you're on the lease) to get what you want in safety.

saladdays66 · 09/02/2018 13:28

FFS. Toxic relationship all round. She came at you witha knife?

Block her, delete, do not contact her, move on.

FairiesVsPixies · 09/02/2018 13:36

Blimey, she's really screwed with your head if you think this is your fault.
She sounds toxic. You are better off without her. Run and don't look back.

IrisAtwood · 09/02/2018 13:40

Look up codependency and think about attending CoDA.

Jux · 09/02/2018 13:46

Stay away, don't go back. No matter how much she appears to need you. She'll threaten all sorts and tweak your heartstrings and guilt trip you in any way that she possibly can, but she'll be lying and manipulating you.

The best course is to block her on everything. If you can't bring yourself to do that yet, then learn these phrases and practise them every day so they can trip off your tongue, "oh dear, I'm sure you're in good hands, doctors can work miracles these days", "Call an ambulance, they are trained to deal with overdoses/arterial bleeds/mh crises, but I'm not and can't help" "I have no spare money and no sofa or spare floor for you to crash on".

If people ask tell them she threatened you with a knife. Others need to know in order to protect themselves.

You are not to blame, you are not responsible. Hold your head high and look people in the eye. Be proud you escaped.

Jux · 09/02/2018 13:51

Oh, and see if you can get onto The Freedom Programme. Check out Women's Aid.

Lemonnaise · 09/02/2018 14:05

Stay the fuck away from her this time. She sounds like an absolute nightmare and you can't fix her, however much you may want to.

You are allowing her to treat you this way(sorry). Find your anger, she pulled a knife on you ffs.

Lemonnaise · 09/02/2018 14:09

No matter how much she appears to need you. She'll threaten all sorts and tweak your heartstrings and guilt trip you in any way that she possibly can, but she'll be lying and manipulating you

Yes absolutely this^. It's all part of the script.

G120810 · 09/02/2018 14:10

I'm sorry you have had a bad time but you do not need doubt your behaviour you have done everything correct and are not controlling she is either manipulating everything or has mental health issues or both you tried to help and be there but you get treated appalling for it she broke the trust u forgave her and she wasn't sorry as she is using you as she has no family but that does not mean you have to be her parent she refuses help or medication to make her feel better staying out and saying u didn't say come home u don't have to she should know this and finally she takes knife to you and says she can't remember u don't deserve this u have left so don't contact her to even explain why she should know and I'm sure she will find someone else to look after her

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2018 14:17

You are vulnerable. If you weren’t you’d realuse how badly she’s treating you. You need to look after you. Not her. She needs to get out of your life.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2018 14:18

Last week, she came at me with a knife

-that's where I stopped reading. Block her, do not contact her again.

She needs to be history.

niccyb · 09/02/2018 19:11

You have done the right thing. You need to stay away from her. She should not treat you like this and needs to grow up and look after herself. Stay away from her, she is abusing you emotionally, financially and almost physically. I hope you find happiness. Take care and good luck xx

Albertschair · 09/02/2018 21:58

How are you the abuser? She came at you with a knife. Cheated on you.

Leave and don't look back

Original poster
caketree93 · 10/02/2018 01:26

(I can't figure out how to reply or quote but anywho) I am not on the lease for the house and I managed to get everything important out. It involved moving country (I had no friends left in the city I was in so I bailed and went back to my parents in my home country)

I've kept communications to a bare minimum, I'm still concerned about these vague suicide threats so I want to make sure she has a solid social circle around her before I say I'm gone for good

OP posts:
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