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Original poster

To be SO jealous of my pregnant friends

57 replies

peachblossom123 · 08/02/2018 17:58

I am 33, married for 2.5 years (but together for 10) and very happy in my marriage. But I am just so miserably jealous of my pregnant friends and friends who have children already.

I am just so ready to be a mum and everyone, absolutely everyone around me is either pregnant or already a mum. Every single friend of mine in my life has a baby or is now pregnant - I am the only one left without a child. My single friends have even had children before me. Babies are around me everywhere. My heart breaks that little bit more when a new pregnancy is announced.

My best friend announced she was pregnant in November. I was devastated, so happy for her, but devastated. I had no idea they were even trying. We had always promised each other we would tell each other when we going to start trying and wouldn't it be amazing to do it around the same time! Now she is part of the mummy club and I'm not.

My heart even breaks when I see twenty-something Z-list celebrities announcing their pregnancies in the Daily Mail now. It's that bad.

I never thought I would be in my mid-thirties and the last of my friends to start a family.

My husband knows how I feel and he says he is nearly ready to start trying but not until the end of the year. I'll be 34 by then. Starting a family occupies my mind every single day and I am just getting more and more miserable and bitter. I feel so lonely and I can't talk to anyone about it. I would never push my husband to start trying as I need him to be 100% ready.

What can I do to take my mind of it? Maybe get a dog?! Take up a new hobby!? Tell myself to get a grip!?

OP posts:
chipvinegar · 08/02/2018 18:20

Fertility issues here. Got 1 miracle. Desperate for another but terrified of pregnancy, broken marriage now and real terror it won't ever happen for me before is too late. Definitely not got the funds for a surrogate or support for adoption.

I get the jealousy. I live it.

Start with the bit you can be grateful for... focus on that for now. You have a marriage and a partner willing. Healthy body... etc

JessieMcJessie · 08/02/2018 18:24

I sympathise but I was you at 34, surrounded by babies and pregnancies...except I was single and unlucky in love. Then I met my husband at 38 and had fertility problems. DS born when I was 43 so happy ending but boy does your 10 month wait in a secure relationship seem like a blink of an eye in comparison. I’m not saying that to be unkind, my point is just that perhaps you need to take a step back and see it all in perspective to help you cope.

Make the most of your freedom to have lots of fun together and go on adventurous holidays and nights out away from all the people with babies. Do all the stuff that will make them very envious of you. You never know, maybe a relaxed holiday will also relax your DH enough to start TTC.
And while it’s great that you don’t want to put pressure on him to start sooner than he wants to, that doesn’t mean that you should bottle up all the sadness you are feeling- he’s your husband and should be someone you can confide in.

Good luck.

SleepFreeZone · 08/02/2018 18:35

So your husband wants you to wait until your fertility is decking until you start your family? He’s an idiot and you aren’t much better for going along with it! You are potentially setting yourself up with years of upset if you don’t catch immediately and want more than one.

SleepFreeZone · 08/02/2018 18:35

*declining

MummaGiles · 08/02/2018 18:40

If your husband’s job is unstable and there is potential for him to start looking elsewhere then I think he is actually being very sensible. My DH was in a job that made him miserable and I said I wasn’t prepared to start TTC when he was in “that place”. We waited until his job situation had improved. He didn’t need the extra pressure a baby brings in terms of stability and job security.

Bodicea · 08/02/2018 18:46

Does your husband not understand that a woman’s fertility significantly declines in her thirties? The risks of a chromosomal abnormality increases. It drops significantly after 35. Have a word with him... he is an idiot.

ChevalierTialys · 08/02/2018 18:53

I hear ya OP Flowers

DP tried in 2009 when his daughter was 2. I late miscarried and DSD's mum gleefully announced her pregnancy 4 months later. Took me and DP years to conceive DS. In September I told DSD's mum we were trying for another. It's not going well and she has now announced she is 8 weeks gone. Not to suggest she's doing it on purpose, but how many people send photos of their scans to their ex's girlfriend, knowing they are struggling to conceive?

ChevalierTialys · 08/02/2018 18:54

*DP and I

Isadora2007 · 08/02/2018 18:58

You’re not being unreasonable at all in your feelings. And it’s lovely you’re supportive and a good friend.

WRT your husband I would expect in a marriage there be some give and take given that TTCing is likely to take at least 4-8 months based on your age and possibly even more. I’d be asking him to agree to the summer and that way it’s pretty much in touching distance and you can start making your body the healthiest it can be for pregnancy and beyond.

givemesteel · 08/02/2018 18:59

I was in a similar boat where I was ready for a baby and was waiting waiting waiting for dh to be 'ready'. On holiday with friends, yet another one announced she was pregnant and it felt like a punch in the face. That night I said to dh I wasn't waiting any longer and we started to ttc soon after.

Obviously only you know how bad your dh job situation is but there's never a perfect time to have a baby if he is just looking for another job without being laid off etc I don't think that's a reason to delay. I think you should at least tell your dh quite how unhappy this is making you.

NotAnotherEmma · 08/02/2018 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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Lottapianos · 08/02/2018 19:08

''its kinda disturbing though that you can't even be happy for other people starting a family, I think you need therapy more than a dog or a baby for that matter.'

It's not disturbing at all. It's called having insight, and having more than one feeling at once and is perfectly normal. I think it's disturbing that you have so little empathy, so think on that for a while

OP, I hear the pain in your post and I get it. It's a shitty shitty feeling when it seems like the whole world is pregnant. Please try not to beat yourself up for feeling jealous - it's totally understandable and kicking yourself will only make it worse. Good luck x

Lottapianos · 08/02/2018 19:09

Just read your last post Emma. Piss off and stop being so bloody nasty to someone who's obviously in pain. What a dull person you must be

throwcushions · 08/02/2018 19:18

Wow, that last line in your post NotAnotherEmma is really nasty.

Moanaohnana · 08/02/2018 19:25

And if his review doesn't go well and he starts looking for another job - what then? I'd say 6 months to find a new job and then 1 - 2 years to settle into the new role? Come on, there is always going to be something. I think a lot of people get cold feet and wait for some magical feeling of readiness that simply does not exist. You never really feel ready (and even if you do, you're totally mistaken as you have NO clue what it's going to be like). If you want kids and you are not financially destitute then you need to start trying NOW. Your fertility is declining already - your husband is being very silly and selfish (unless he actually doesn't want kids at all, in which case he needs to have some balls and tell you).

Theclockstruck2 · 08/02/2018 19:31

I think you might need to talk to your husband about the fact that this moment of being ‘ready’ may not ever come! No one is ‘ready’, there is no ‘ready’. There is being in a good place to have children, and you are! I had this conversation with my husband, who also wanted a family but was abit scared to take the leap. We started trying straight away.

chipvinegar · 08/02/2018 19:32

I wish everyone would shut up with the fertility declining scaremongering posts.

It's helpful to know if you can do anything to change it but short of inventing a time machine... holding her partner to ransom and dooming a relationship, or dumping him and magically accepting the first willing man to jump into bed for unprotected sex and becoming a single mom

What purpose does it serve? Some of us don't get the option to plan it all out and do it all at the optimum time. Some of us just have to accept what life throws at us. That's scary enough without more thrown in!

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/02/2018 19:40

I think you should explain to your husband that not everyone gets pregnant straight away and it could take some time so may as well get started now

Dahlietta · 08/02/2018 19:43

The problem though here, chipvinegar is that she does have the option to plan it all out, but her DH is insisting on planning it so that it gets later and later and he doesn't seem really to have any good reason for it other than 'he's not quite ready, but he will probably, almost certainly, be ready in about 10 months', which just seems a bit ridiculous.

Bodicea · 08/02/2018 20:10

It’s not scaremongering chipvinegar. It’s fact. And many people seem to be in denial and keep putting it off and putting bit off for no real reason and then wondering how they have missed the boat, going through the pain of infertility treatments etc.
Obviously if you are single, haven’t met the right guy that is a different but the op is married in a stable relationship and does definitely want to start a family so sometimes some cold hard truths need spelling out, especially for her dh from the sounds of it.
I say this a a health proffesional who has worked in the world of fertility/ obstetrics.

PuffinDodger · 08/02/2018 20:23

I hope he isn't stringing you along. It seems to be all about what he wants with no thought to how it's affecting you. Does he know how it's affecting you?

specialsubject · 08/02/2018 20:34

Remember that envy is the thief of joy. Concentrate on your own life, and perhaps some major economies to make it feel safer to lose an income.

Crocusqueen · 08/02/2018 20:38

I agree with Bodicea, at the minute at 33 your fertility is probably fine, but the further you push it the more of a gamble it is. Of course some people can be ten years older and get pregnant first time, but for other people, it could be the beginning of years of fertility treatment, and a race against the clock. The problem is, you don't know which camp you're going to fall in to until you actually start trying. Another year may not seem like much now, but fast forward to your late thirties /early forties and it could be the difference between having a second child or not.

You're in a solid relationship and presumably financially OK, and you'll know soon enough if dh's job is secure or not. Once that happens, I suggest having another discussion with DH and pointing out what previous posters have said - there's no real feeling of readiness when it comes to being a parent, there will always be an element of leaping into the dark. The clouds don't split and a beam of light doesn't come down saying "it is time". If he's just not really thinking, then fair enough, but if he's really opposed to the idea then you need to ask yourself if he genuinely does want a family - I mean for the sake of ten months, what is he waiting for?

tattychicken · 08/02/2018 20:41

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a conversation with him. My DH was similarly cautious about starting a family. I had to explain that it might take a year to conceive, then 9 months pregnancy, then maybe try for number two after a year or so. The whole process, even it went smoothly and there were no problems, would be about 5 years. He hadn't really twigged the length of time, and the impact on my fertility.

You're not forcing him, or twisting his arm. Have a chat with him about your fears, he may we'll take them on board. And like many PPs said, there's no perfect time.

TheSconeOfStone · 08/02/2018 20:42

I was pretty much the same with my DH but a bit younger than you. DH keep coming up with excuses to delay TTC. In the end we had a very serious talk. He was depressed due to his job (very common in that job) and he had changed his mind about having kids altogether. We separated, he got help for his MH problems and decided to go back to uni.

We had DD1 in his second year at uni. It wasn't ideal as my mat leave was only 6 months and he was working weekends in his old job to make ends meet. Ten years on we have two DC that he adores and he is so much happier and doing really well in his current career.

This is a of an extreme story but I would be very reluctant to wait for the perfect moment at your age. There will never be a perfect moment.

I ended up in an NCT group of people who had deliberately planned Autumn babies. I was just relieved to be pregnant after 18 months of TTC and starting investigations at the fertility clinic.

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