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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these parents should be hauled over the coals for this

265 replies

Dustysparrow · 08/02/2018 09:46

A teenage girl was given highlights for her birthday by her mum - subtle ones - and when she returned home from a visit to see her father and stepmother they had cut off all of her hair as they disapproved. She has literally about 1-2 cm of hair length left on her head. She had long hair before.

Here's the link: uk.yahoo.com/style/father-chops-off-daughter-hair-124424056.html

AIBU to think this is a form of child abuse to do this to somebody against their will??? What a cruel, hateful thing thing to do to a child.

OP posts:
Tarraleaha · 08/02/2018 11:20

You blame the mother more than the father.

bloody hell, you don't let go do you PoorYorick
No I don't. I said that the mother is wrong, the father is wrong and they are both morons to fight each other through the poor kid stuck in the middle.

It's the child who is being punished whilst what was wrong was done by the mother, not by the child. The father is punishing the child for a "mistake" the mother made. I am not sure how you want me to write that to make it clearer for you? The mother started it, the father carried on, both wrong, both idiots. Kid not being blamed.

floriad · 08/02/2018 11:20
  1. It doesn't matter why the mother decided to let her have highlights. I mean, unless the teenager was allergic to hair dye or something like that (which clearly isn't the case).
  1. “Mum was upset on how her child was being cared, I guess for the lack of better terms.”

Cared... Most certainly not the right term.

  1. Hair is such an interesting topic.
Long hair is such a big part of being a woman in our society. And being pretty, beautiful etc... And then there are the religious connotations of having beautiful, cared for hair. (be it braids in the NT, religious rules about covering a woman's hair, Samson etc....)

And they didn't just cut of her hair, they gave her a (in our culture) extremely masculine haircut.

Which is probably why this seems especially insiduous and cruel to me personally.

Also, it's imo a horrible lesson in regards to bodily autonomy. For everyone... But especially a teenage girl, tbh.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/02/2018 11:21

God that poor girl. I certainly agree that she doesn't have to have been pinned down to have had that cut forced on her.

Even if the dad disagreed with the mum's choice it's still assult to take it out on the kid ffs.

And no it's not right to force a boy to cut their hair off either. As long as it's clean louse free and tied back somehow when needed and no offensive words or symbols shaved into it people should be able to have their hair how they want it.

Just cos it grows back doesn't make it less serious either. That's like saying it's ok to hit cos bruises fade .

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 11:22

If the story is all true, the mother is not wrong. Lots of women take their teenage girls to reputable salons for subtle and natural looking highlights.

livingontheedgeee · 08/02/2018 11:25

They should be prosecuted and made to realise that what they did was child abuse. Poor kid.

My brother got an earring when he was 14 and my dad beat the shit out of him for it. If it happened today, he'd have been jailed and rightly so.

Tarraleaha · 08/02/2018 11:26

If the story is all true, the mother is not wrong.

It was pretty obvious you agreed with the mother. Grin
It's not even just about highlights, it's about mutual parenting and respecting each parent point of view. if the story is true, the parents sound just as bad as each other, but one going public and raising money is starting to tip the balance towards the other one!

Aridane · 08/02/2018 11:27

Hmm - sounds a bit like the mother doesn't like the father has custody and is making public allegations to trash his parenting. Have doubts about the veracity of all this

PortiaCastis · 08/02/2018 11:28

If it's true it's tragic that people live their lives and tout their problems on Facebook why would you make things worse for the girl by making her the object of internet outrage, how does she feel about that I wonder

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 11:28

Ordering a stylist to cut off a minor's hair against their wishes is abusive. They didn't need to be holding her down for it to have still been a traumatic and distressing experience. Having had to give up trying to have a 2 year olds hair cut I just don't see how you could do it without force, physical or intimidation.

I was early teens (13-14) when I lost my hair due to health reasons. it is horrendous. The stares when you're at an age where you are very self conscious any way. That must have been a horrible experience but this girl hasn't lost all her hair, it isn't 1 cm long, it is a fairly normal hair cut.

readysteadyteddy · 08/02/2018 11:28

Where has the raising money thing come from? There was a fund that has been taken down, maybe a scammer trying to cash in that was reported, but I can't see anything else.

Original poster
Dustysparrow · 08/02/2018 11:30

I think as a child to sit and 'let' somebody cut your hair like that against your wishes you would have to be very intimidated by the adult to not protest or stand up for yourself. Something really wrong with this whole scenario.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 08/02/2018 11:31

Oh my goodness I could actually cry for this girl. Her hair was lovely. What a fucking twat, that's so cruel.

I can't find any dirt on the mother.

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 11:31

Long hair is such a big part of being a woman in our society. And being pretty, beautifu Have a look at some old photos of Audrey Hepburn, a beautiful woman with long or short hair. Maybe we need to be telling out daughters that they are more than their hair? If you want long hair that is fine but don't promote the long hair = beautiful and short hair = ugly.

MuseumOfCurry · 08/02/2018 11:32

That must have been a horrible experience but this girl hasn't lost all her hair, it isn't 1 cm long, it is a fairly normal hair cut.

Surely you can grasp that for a teenage girl who has elected to have long hair, this haircut is not normal at all.

WTF?

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 11:32

Of course the great thing with a hair do you don't like is it does (generally) grow again.

Rebeccaslicker · 08/02/2018 11:32

Wow some of the Facebook comments are insane. "The father should be put up before a firing squad". "I still like her because she's so pretty" (from a grown man. She's 13!). "The belief that 13yr old teens are sexting and insane sex". "As a mother, WE know why he did this, don't we?" "God understands".

Jesus there are some weird people out there!

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 11:33

Why isn't it normal? What is abnormal about short hair? What isn't normal is your mother parading you as a victim because you don't like your hair.

whiskyowl · 08/02/2018 11:33

"Long hair is such a big part of being a woman in our society. And being pretty, beautiful etc... And then there are the religious connotations of having beautiful, cared for hair. (be it braids in the NT, religious rules about covering a woman's hair, Samson etc....)

And they didn't just cut of her hair, they gave her a (in our culture) extremely masculine haircut."

I recently cut off all my hair to an extremely edgy masculine look. One of the amazing things about it has been realising how much my rather mumsy long hair (which only ever looked great a day after a blow dry) was a concession to the male gaze - and how much I feared the random disapproval of strangers. Getting rid of it feels utterly defiant and empowering, and I LOVE IT.

But the point is, I made that choice about what to do with my own look, for myself. This young girl didn't. She's stuck in the middle of two warring parents who are, by the sounds of things, making strident comments about what she should or shouldn't look like. It's dysfunctional in the extreme. Her parents should be teaching her that it doesn't matter if she has long, girlish hair or short masculine hair, she's beautiful either way. Instead, her beauty is being used as a kickball between them, with two impossibly different sets of standards. She should be allowed some autonomy and some decisions of her own. God knows, it's hard enough being a teenager without this burden as well!

suzy2b · 08/02/2018 11:34

My mother use to take me to the hair dressers every sept before going back to school and have my hair cut really short, until i was 11 then i refused to go , i had long hair when i was very young she said she was fed up trying to brush it and put it in plaits ,she never did i use to go to my next door neighbor who did my hair

MuseumOfCurry · 08/02/2018 11:35

Why isn't it normal? What is abnormal about short hair?

Why don't you read my post again. It's not normal for someone who chooses to have long hair. Get it?

nitroxTrained · 08/02/2018 11:37

A haircut is abuse?

tafftum · 08/02/2018 11:37

That is absolutely disgusting. As if !

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 11:37

But the point is, I made that choice about what to do with my own look, for myself. This young girl didn't.

That is exactly it. Nothing wrong with teaching girls that their hair does not determine their worth. But that's a million miles away from teaching them that it doesn't matter if someone else forces their own will on it. They should also be taught that they have a right to bodily autonomy.

If you're old enough to choose how you want your hair, you're old enough to have that choice respected (assuming you look after it - and this girl's hair was so beautiful, it's clear that she did).

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 11:38

A haircut is abuse?

If it's done against the person's will and wishes through force/intimidation/coercion, then yes of course it is.

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 11:39

whiskyowl I agree with you about short hair, I've had long hair and very short hair and I understand how you feel. I don't know about the choice thing when young girls are fed the message that hair is so tied up with beauty and even quite young girls will make comments about looking like a boy if you have short hair. Look at some comments on here, she's had her hair shaved - no she hasn't. Her hair is 1 cm long = no it isn't. I could cry for her - really a total stranger who had a hair cut would make someone cry.

I think girls aren't choosing long hair in a free choice way, it is brainwashing.

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