Page 2 | Or can a facebook unfriending really hurt?

TheLegendOfBeans · 2018-02-08T08:47:03+00:00

Daftest post ever. Just been deleted by two former work friends I was close to when I was at my old job. I'm 36, I have two children under two. Time is a luxury I once had and now don't. This means that I don't have time to see my closest pals as much as I would like, never mind former work buddies. Just because I don't "check in" like I used to doesn't mean I don't care but to just be chopped without warning stings hard. Because I've just "not been in touch enough". Am I daft to feel upset? Facebook - making grown adults feel like kids in the playground since 1999.

Deshasafraisy · 08/02/2018 10:06

I think more and more people are “tidying” their Facebook pages. Streamlining to just their actual friends and family. Don’t take offence.

OuchBollocks · 08/02/2018 10:07

I delete people who don't stay in touch with me. I have 2 small kids as well, why should I do all the chasing? If I see someone on my social media who blatantly hasn't made any effort with me, I'm more likely to delete them if I cared about them to stop me torturing myself and banging my head against a brick wall trying to maintain a one sided friendship. If that hurts someone's feelings, well, bad luck them.

Original poster

TheLegendOfBeans · 08/02/2018 10:17

@againplease 😂

OP posts:

blackchina · 08/02/2018 10:18

YANBU to be hurt OP. It is a virtual slap in the face. 'I am no longer your friend and you mean nothing to me.' How can anyone not be at least a little bit hurt by that?

I have not 'unfriended' anyone for about 5 years, and even then it was only 'farmville buddies' who I didn't really know. I was unfriended by a mum of one of my daughter's friends a few years back though, after the 2 girls fell out.

I cannot remember how I noticed it. But I spotted the 'add friend' button which meant she had unfriended me. And there were posts that were available for anyone to see that said 'you do find out who your friends are don't you? Sick of backstabbing bitches' and some more shit that I won't repeat. Then you got the predictable 'U OK hun?' comments, and her saying 'can't say on here, but suffice to say I am incredibly fucked off with certain people right now.'

I had no idea what was going on, but found out later that her daughter and my daughter had fallen out, and apparently I had called her daughter a bully and a little cunt. (All lies. I didn't even know she and my daughter had fallen out.)

But yeah, that was upsetting as we got on well, and our girls had been quite close friends for several years, and there she was on facebook, unfriending me, berating me, and turning people against me. (Later on, she told the people in person that it was me and my daughter she was on about.)

Bitch. So glad I don't have that shit anymore. Now the kids are virtually grown.

I have had several others unfriend me, but like with the farmville friend, I didn't have anything much to do with them anyway.

But yeah OP, YANBU to be hurt. Don't dwell on it though. If you have little to do with them; stuff 'em. Move on.

Piffle11 · 08/02/2018 10:21

@PonderLand is that right? Because I did, but thought that if one of my FB friends liked or commented on one of my pics, that pic would come up on their feed unless their settings were set the correct way? I seemed to see a lot of stuff from people I didn't know, just because a mutual friend had liked/commented on it. Maybe their settings weren't set right. Would have saved the grief I got from my DSis!

AwayAndStuffYourself · 08/02/2018 10:25

Yes, it does really hurt..as much as unfriending in real life.

petbear · 08/02/2018 10:37

It's also annoying when someone puts you on a 'restricted' status. I have actually unfriended several people who did that to me. It's like they don't have the courage to unfriend, so they stick you on a list where you don't get to see any more posts or pictures, than you would if you were not on their friends list.

So you are excluded from seeing most of their posts and pics, and consequently, excluded from any conversations going on between them and their other 'non-restricted' friends. So you may as well not be on their friends list at all.

I went to post 'Happy birthday' to someone about a year back, and couldn't write on their wall, and it was then that I discovered I was on the 'restricted list.' So I unfriended them.

This has happened to me several times over the last 7-8 years, and when I discovered it, I unfriended them. Don't know if they noticed, (or cared!) but they never ever messaged me to ask why. (They were old colleagues, old neighbours, old acquaintances etc....)

@thelegendofbeans

YANBU. It is a bit hurtful. I think anyone who says they are not bothered by it is lying.

CotswoldStrife · 08/02/2018 10:48

Restricting someone doesn't stop them posting on your FB page though, does it? You can stop people from being able to write posts on your page but that's different to the restricted setting which stops them from seeing your posts.

CotswoldStrife · 08/02/2018 10:50

I just looked that up to check! I someone restrict my posts because I have friends who have someone on their list that I don't want to see my stuff (complicated).

Can a restricted friend message me?
People on your restricted list can still message you and post on your wall. They can view your public photos and posts as well as comment on them. Restricted friends can't view things that are not set as public. If you tag them or mention them by name then they can see that even on private posts.

petbear · 08/02/2018 11:10

@CotswoldStrife

Restricting someone doesn't stop them posting on your FB page though, does it? You can stop people from being able to write posts on your page but that's different to the restricted setting which stops them from seeing your posts.

Not sure. You may be right. Sort of.

Basically I definitely couldn't post on their page... (I mean like a new post by me only, wishing them happy birthday for example.....) I could post on an existing post/thread that THEY had put on (that was available to the 'public' and not just 'friends,') but I couldn't post anything of my own on there, or see anything posted that was for 'friends' only.

Not sure about the whys and wherefores, but I know I was restricted/excluded. And that why I unfriended. As I said, it was like they didn't want to know me really, but didn't have the nerve/balls to unfriend me. Being restricted was just as annoying/hurtful though.

#firstworldproblems I know, but still a bit hurtful.

paddypants13 · 08/02/2018 11:50

I'm afraid I do delete former work colleagues after a while. Only the ones who I wasn't really friends with in the first place or those who never comment on anything I post.

I do understand where you're coming from though. I was a little bit hurt when I realised two colleagues had deleted me but that was only because I think I was bad mouthed by my former boss. He's very much one of the boys and accused me of something I didn't do. I was hurt by the idea of being thought of badly rather than the unfriending.

ShutYoFace · 08/02/2018 12:49

YANBU. It is a bit hurtful. I think anyone who says they are not bothered by it is lying

No they aren't. And if you assume everyone feels the same about these things as you do, that could be why they are deleting you!

ShutYoFace · 08/02/2018 12:51

YANBU to be hurt OP. It is a virtual slap in the face. 'I am no longer your friend and you mean nothing to me.' How can anyone not be at least a little bit hurt by that?

because they weren't actually friends at all. FB "friends" is not the same thing as actual friends. OP made it clear to them that they were not friends, and is somehow hurt by them confirming it to her?
Get a life folks. Get off line and be an actual friend to people.

Fosterdog123 · 08/02/2018 12:59

Actually, I thinks it's you who has behaved badly. Her message to you shows that she was hurt by you not bothering to stay in touch. Unfriending you has been her way of showing you that you've upset her. Juvenile/petty/ridiculous all round but it's you who IU.

Original poster

TheLegendOfBeans · 08/02/2018 13:15

I also think it's about perception as well though Fosterdog; when I was working with those guys I was commitment-free and had exciting stories to trade. Having two children in two years means things have changed a bit and I'm not quite as "on" as I was before.

As a PP said, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if either of them bad popped up after months even years of nothing to ask a random question. It's just the idea of being bad-mouthed irks me. And for having the audacity to have other commitments?

I know, it's piffle. But nobody likes a slap, even if it's a virtual one.

OP posts:

MiaowTheCat · 08/02/2018 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShutYoFace · 08/02/2018 13:35

As a PP said, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if either of them bad popped up after months even years of nothing to ask a random question. It's just the idea of being bad-mouthed irks me. And for having the audacity to have other commitments?

Wow, are you self absorbed or what? You only think of yourself! They considered you friends, you made it clear you were not, and you have the cheek to whine about them cutting you from FB after you upset them?

It's not about the "audacity to be busy" (get over yourself, you're no busier than anyone else, and you're clearer not to busy to witter online, as we can see) its about you ignoring people until you want something and then complaining that you do not like their response.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 08/02/2018 13:48

YANBU. I've had similar and it does hurt. Maybe because I only delete people if I actively don't like them/they do something I find offensive (e.g. Sharing Britain First posts or rubbish like that). Apart from that I just have high privacy settings and 'unfollow' people who are just a bit annoying!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/02/2018 13:58

My sister has blocked me. I can see a bit of her DH's FB but it is seriously locked down. My DH can see both my sister and her Dh's fb.
Go figure.

borderline11 · 08/02/2018 14:07

Can people tell if they've been put on a "restricted" list. I've done this with a few. Will they know?

papayasareyum · 08/02/2018 14:15

It’s so straightforward to just unfollow someone that unfriending can only really be viewed as a passive aggressive action as it’s so unnecessary! It’s making a statement albeit passive aggressively. Unfollowing achieves the same effect pretty much.

OuchBollocks · 08/02/2018 14:18

Not really, when someone has effectively dumped you seeing them pop up on fb stings. Easier to cut ties properly.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 08/02/2018 14:43

But when you unfollow them they don't pop up on Facebook? You have to actively go onto their page to see what they're doing.

CotswoldStrife · 08/02/2018 15:44

petbear it is possible to stop people posting on your page (timeline) directly but they can still post on threads you start. I think you may have defriended someone unecessarily there!

I have mucked up my restricted list and missed someone off - someone who is a mutual friend of me and the people I was restricting - so they may have seen it then if the other person mentioned it IRL.

I am sorely tempted to unfollow someone on FB because they post utter crap. I did bite back the other night by saying that what they'd posted wasn't true so I might be unfriended myself shortly

OP you could block your rude friends so they can't see what you are up to. I am considering doing this to someone but it may cause ructions. Oh the responsibilities of adulthood!

battenbergbutterfly · 08/02/2018 15:52

I deleted people who never updated and interact as what's the point. I then deleted the whole lot of my friends list as if they are really truly my friend they will have my number and they'll make time to see me. Account also fully deleted and mental health restored.