Is it ok for an 11 y/o to come home to an empty house?

[IssyGH]

To summarise,

I have two dd, one currently aged 10, one aged 7. At present they go to the same primary school, a 45 minute drive away from our house (result of us moving house 6 months ago and not being able to get them into a good school near us, so not changing school)

My work is about halfway between their school and our house - we leave the house at 7:45, I drop them off at 8:30, get to my work for 9, work until 5, then drive to the school to pick them up at about 5:30 (school provides paid after school care until 6), usually get home by quarter past six depending on traffic.

(Dh commutes by train to a nearby city, leaves home about 7:30 am, gets home at about 8-9pm - we moved house to be within walking distance of train station for him.)

It’s not ideal as it’s a long day, especially for dd2, but it’s such an amazing primary, and they both love it and wouldn’t want to leave even if we could get them into a good school nearer home.

The issue is, that come September, dd1 will be attending a secondary school about a 20 minute walk away from our house. So, as things stand, she will get home from school just before 4, and then be on her own until after 6pm.

Is this too long for an 11 year old? Is it ok for an 11 y/o to come home to an empty house every day?

I could tell her that she has to stay at school until about half five and work in the library, so that she gets home at the same time as us, but I’m not sure she’d be very happy about that.

Easy for me to say because I was able to be at home; but I personally wouldn't do this. It would probably be fine when everything goes ok, but I would worry about the unexpected/something going wrong. (A neighbour's child came over to us after school in distress twice - once because they were locked out and once because she discovered the house has been burgled.)

Of course it is fine. The chances of something happening are TINY.

Everything we do has a risk attached to it, so it is more likely that you'll have an accident with your DC in the car every time you go in it, than something will happen with your 11 year old being at home by themselves for a short time. There will always be someone with a sensational story - but remember those are very few and far between.

Go through all the likely scenarios, such as losing keys and how to deal with that situation. Also run through the rules whilst they are 'home alone' - so don't boil the kettle, don't start cooking (not that any youngster is likely to do anything other than turn on the TV or use their phone). Give an emergency contact, in case they can't get hold of you etc.

It will be absolutely fine and a good learning experience for your DC.

Riot depends a lot on the child and how confident and secure they are,in winter coming home ,a twenty minute walk in the dark and cold to a dark empty house could be too much for some children.after school clubs may be a better option for a while?

Oh yes a previous poster reminded me about being locked out. I have spare key hidden that you need to enter a pin code to access. You can get key safes which attach to your wall or hide a key in a shed/garage if that has a combination padlock.

I had this when I was a teen and organised it too so that if dd lost her keys she can still get in.

I very much agree that it's good for DC to be given independence and responsibility but being locked out and being burgled are not "sensational stories" because they were things that actually happened to my neighbour's child.

Maybe try leaving her for 20 minutes here and there when you nip to the shop. Make sure she knows what to do if somebody knocks the door or if she’s hungry.

Ds has been coming home and letting himself in since just after he was 11 (some days dh is here others dh is at work). To start with he was on his own for about half an hour. Now it’s up to 2 hours. Hes. Ow nearly 12

It will be fine but do have practice runs first so she can test being alone and doing keys, maybe once a week to start with. Ensure she has a phone, knows who to call if problems and give her some money for a snack on way home or get some snacks for in the house. I would not get an au pair, had one and they can get up to all kinds of things, and driving can be dubious as different side of road so I wouldn't allow it. Do ensure walk from school is safe and she has money / phone for if she forgets keys and a plan like go to Costa / xs house. Mine are a similar age and love short times alone.

I think 11 is a bit young, especially with transition to a new school to be on your own for 2 hours every day after school right from the off. I'm sure it will be fine after a transition period.

Is there a club she woudl like to do one evening?

Maybe especially at the start you or DH could take a few afternoons off to help her settle?

Make sure there are some nice things for her to eat, leave the hall light on during the day so she isn't coming home to a dark house and make sure the heating is timed to come on so she comes home to a warm house.

My 11yos school is a 30 minute bus journey away. She's been coming home to an empty house since she started ss as I'm picking DS up at the time she comes home. She's fine. Likes the independence it gave her and the half an hours peace she gets before chaos descends back on the place.

Leave them a snack or something to make themselves a sandwich with if they get hungry and they'll be fine.

We leave heating on, DH says cat needs it anyway 😂 but if you've got a timer you can sort that. Mine have instructions to never answer door and if anyone hassling them call 999.

Depends on so many factors: the child, whether they have sibling ( many of ds's friends have a sensible older sister and as such their parents are happy for them to be at home after school).
It also very much depends where you live. I actually changed my job so I could be around when ds gets home, as it occurred to me that suddenly at 11 there is no childcare! We live on an estate where there are a lot of dodgy characters. I wouldn't be happy for him to be home alone- especially in summer when he would want to go out and play football with neighbouring kids (which I'm fine with if I'm around, in the house/neighbourhood, but not if I'm miles away). Ds basically has delayed common sense (hoping he will get some one day!)-He has household chores, he helps cook, he goes to the local shops,he vacuums- I'm not molly coddling him, but given a new and unexpected situation...he's just not trustworthy yet.
I don't think it's some terrible sign of "failure to launch" at all actually. I was totally free to roam, and alone a lot and has lots of horrible experiences, from being followed, to being burgled when home (luckily my brother was there and we ran away).
There's also no way in Hell I would be fine with a 12 year old walking a mile down a country lane after school! (From a pp) but sometimes I think I live in a different world from a lot of mnetters. Bad things happened to kids in the 70s and 80s, bad things still happen. However "nice" your neighbours, older children are still vulnerable and need some care.

I think it's okay
Snack, homework, bit of tv

Check if they can stay later after school - it's not always an option
Also walking home later may be dark or less people about - depends on the route/ neighbourhood

How times have changed. In the late 70s/ early 80s I was a latchkey kid from age 7.

It depends on the child, but most likely it'll be good for her to have a bit of independence. Lay ground rules, one friend in at a time or none, which friends, and as pp said leave an emergency telephone number.

I don't think times have changed that much. I was independent from about six ( I don't recall ever hearing the phrase "latch key kid" outside of novels!) but most of my friends were not walking to school alone etc until 9. (That was the 80s and I lived in a rough area).

Was very normal for me and my peers 16 years ago. And will be fine for my dd and friends soon. Build it up so she gets used to being alone, give her the option of staying at home if you are going to be a hour or less, I started nipping the dog out and letting her stay home. Make sure they know the rules. My dd says yes mum I know.... don't answer the door, the phone, use the oven or set the house on fire. Any problems my phones on loud ring me or an emergency she knows the neighbours/ nana lives 5 mins away.

OP, you mentioned possibly looking for an au pair, but have you ever had one before? While they can be great, it's always a gamble and tbh it's potentially a load of hassle to have a stranger living in your home just to be company for an hour or two, which your DD may well not need anyway. There are situations where an au pair can be a real asset to the family, but this sounds like overkill to me, in your situation.

Most au pairs don't drive and even if they do, the potential danger from a teenager driving your child around is something to consider.

We had some lovely au pairs but it is luck of the draw whether they fit in with your family. It does change the whole home dynamic and you become responsible for the wellbeing of a teen or young adult. I found that as my children aged, they resented having au pairs around and after one very sulky 19 year-old, they pleaded with me not to have any more!

I bet you can find a compromise solution. Here are a few ideas :

• Plan with her what she would do from 4-6 each day. Sounds like an ideal homework slot to me.
• Snacks - which you could leave in the fridge for her to find.
• Read a chapter of a decent book each day. Have a nice drink & snack & chill while doing so.
• If she prefers, she can stay in the school library for a while. You don't have to decide now.
• After - school childminder? If she likes younger kids, would it be possible for her to be a helper of some kind to a childminder, a few days a week? Don't know if this is feasible, just brainstorming!