Is it ok for an 11 y/o to come home to an empty house?

[IssyGH]

To summarise,

I have two dd, one currently aged 10, one aged 7. At present they go to the same primary school, a 45 minute drive away from our house (result of us moving house 6 months ago and not being able to get them into a good school near us, so not changing school)

My work is about halfway between their school and our house - we leave the house at 7:45, I drop them off at 8:30, get to my work for 9, work until 5, then drive to the school to pick them up at about 5:30 (school provides paid after school care until 6), usually get home by quarter past six depending on traffic.

(Dh commutes by train to a nearby city, leaves home about 7:30 am, gets home at about 8-9pm - we moved house to be within walking distance of train station for him.)

It’s not ideal as it’s a long day, especially for dd2, but it’s such an amazing primary, and they both love it and wouldn’t want to leave even if we could get them into a good school nearer home.

The issue is, that come September, dd1 will be attending a secondary school about a 20 minute walk away from our house. So, as things stand, she will get home from school just before 4, and then be on her own until after 6pm.

Is this too long for an 11 year old? Is it ok for an 11 y/o to come home to an empty house every day?

I could tell her that she has to stay at school until about half five and work in the library, so that she gets home at the same time as us, but I’m not sure she’d be very happy about that.

Hi OP, you have plenty of time to get her used to being on her own.
Plan how you can start leaving her alone now. Start with 1/2 hour and build up to 2hrs.

You don't want it to be a big shock when she goes up to senior school.

Curly, I have found that mine will sleep til lunchtime if left unattended. She's Year 9. She does holiday clubs some of the time but otherwise I make sure I leave easy to prepare food for lunch. Some days she meets her friends. Others she sits all day in pyjamas.

Personally I think this is fine on the odd occasion but 5 days a week is quite a lot. Could she stay late at
School a couple of night or could you get some childcare after school within your own home?)

It's a tricky one. My gut says no. My teens did not do this until they were older and we built up to that length of time. That's quite a jump to 5 afternoons a week. My concerns would be what they ate/cooked as a snack (as a PP said she put on weight as she ate all sorts of things at that age when left alone - I did exactly the same and habits do form). Also a concern would be someone with bad intentions would notice her/your routine and at 11 you are still very vulnerable and naive despite information from parents. 11 yr olds just would not understand or pick up on danger the same as an older teen.
It's a hard decision. I would be surprised if she could stay at school until 5.30pm though. Most school libraries shut at 4.30pm-ish. I think using it as childcare would be slightly frowned upon but the school could advise you. Could your DD start some after school activities so it wasn't even night? Does she have a friend or two she could go to a night a week but arranged official with the parents not by the kids ad hoc. You could reciprocate in the holidays with a few days childcare for free for the parents?

It can be very lonely.

I first got a key to my house when I started secondary school and there was never an issue. As long as your dd is responsible and can be trusted home alone and she has a number to call in case of an emergency I think it would be fine :)

It's fine.

I'd probably take some afternoons off (if possible) during the first 2 weeks of high school to help things bed in. You and DH could do this between you.

I also think that you need to practise leaving her alone at home for 2-3h over the coming months. Iron out any issues

My DTs are now Yr8 (different schools) and each do it a couple of nights a week. It's hard though, it very quickly becomes dark nights after the start of term in September and they were quite reluctant to walk when it got cold and dark. I agree that 5 nights is quite a lot especially when you add in that she has no friends going to the same school. It's quite a transition going to high school. My DS was fine, my DD took a while to settle and got overly anxious about making friends. Is there any way you can change your hours just temporarily or work flexi time or use annual leave for a few afternoons in the first term so you can collect at home time or arrange tea for class mates etc?

DD is going to secondary in Sept. Her bus will get in around 4, I should get in by 5, Dm is down the road and we have good neighbours. It'll be ok. But leaving her alone from before 4 to after 6 would be too much. At best I'd come back to a lonely kid and an empty packet of biscuits, at worst to a major accident.

It's the 45 minute drive to the primary school that's your problem, isn't it.
Au pair, lift share for dc2, or advertise for someone to provide a bit of supervision after school? Or can either you or your husband change your hours? When my older dcs were that age I paid a sahm neighbour to pick up dc2. dc1 got the bus home, reported in for a drink and chat and went home to start her homework/ play out with friends.

An au pair sounds like a good idea - she could pick up dd2 at 3, when primary school finishes, then drive 45 mins to secondary school to collect dd1, only 15 minutes after school finishes.

Dd2 would be home over 2 hours earlier, and dd1 wouldn't be alone.

Times change. I was 11 in 1976, we all went home by ourselves, I had 2 buses.

I was expected to peel the potatoes snd start tea. I was loved massively.

My own children were never ever expected to do this.

Failure to launch and grow up has slipped by at least 10/15 years since the 70s/80s.

Mmmm most au pairs don’t drive here generally

I had a set of house keys from about 9. When I first had them them my mum would be at work when I finished school and my dad worked nights so would still be asleep when I got in but technically there was still an adult at home should I need anything. From about 11 when he started working different shifts there would be many times when I was left in the house alone till someone got home. I loved having the place to myself and it wasn't a big deal to me but maybe because I'd have that experience of being "alone" when I was younger.

i did this when i was 11, in the early 00s and it's when i was allowed my first mobile phone to tell them i was safe when i walked home. and oh my i loved those couple of hours alone. especially at my dads house because he always left me snacks!

I think it's OK, provided she is mature and happy with the arrangement. Try and get her in some after school clubs too - they will help her make friends - so she's not alone 5 days, just 2 or 3. By the time she gets home, gets changed, has something to eat/drink, relaxes/winds down and does some homework it'll be an hour/2 hours gone anyway. I agree re starting small though and not throwing her in the deep end. My friend went to university this year and her parents work until 5, not home til.6 and for the first time she was left alone. She's fine now but it took some getting used to, I'd start small

Sounds like you don't need to decide now - don't worry too much, because you can't be sure what she'll want until she starts school. She can come home before everyone else if she feels confident. If not, she can stay in the library until it closes. As you're not having to book childcare, you don't really need to decide ahead of time. As long as she keeps you informed, and knows who to ask for help, it'll be ok. Even if the library closes at 4.30, by the time she gets home she won't have that long to wait alone. You probably won't be the only family in this situation in her year. It does sound like a good opportunity to get her doing some sports clubs to establish healthy habits though!

I'd get an au pair. That's how I solved this problem myself, despite having a very mature 11 year old who would have coped being alone. I just didn't think it was fair to leave her all the time, and it transpired to be a good decision as she was horribly bullied when she first went to high school. Her mental health would have suffered more if she was coming home to an empty house and her thoughts every day.

Not a problem if DD is ok with it - but be careful your house doesnt end up the after school.party house drinking smoking etc which happened to my neighbour when DD was 14!

I think it's fine and my DS started doing it at that age. We do have neighbours that he can call on if there are any problems (but can't guarantee they're in obviously!)

Have you considered that she might start hanging out with friends on the way home? A friend’s daughter knew no one would be in so she and a group of other girls mooched around the shops most afternoons, getting home just before their parents.

I had expected dd to stay after school in the library and join several afterschool clubs. But it hasn't worked out like that. Funding cuts seem to mean less running afterschool than previously.

I considered suggesting she go to clubs run outside of school eg sports at leisure centre but she is quiet tired after an early start and it less of a worry one familiar journey home than in effect two with one to activity then one home.

I now prefer her to come straight home as she does journey with a friend or two. None of them go to friends afterschool yet (yr 7). Parents seem to want them home.

I have had to be strict about providing afterschool snacks as she is "starving" and doesn't seem to take or buy a proper lunch. So I leave healthy but reasonably filling things. I have also hidden remotes on occasion to encourage essential TV. I was always super strict about parental controls on TV/computer/her phone and I continue to closely monitor these.

It's not just work though. I can't be there when she gets home if I have to collect younger one from school as finish times coincide and distance.

I was 11 in 1998/99 when starting secondary and was mostly home alone from 3.30pm/4pm until about 5.30/6pm when someone got home (school about a 25minute walk or a bus ride). I used to walk home in last year of primary sometimes (maybe a 2 minute walk at a push). My parents very much loved me just worked shifts and my nan passed away when I was in Y5 and she looked after me a lot. My parents had to keep working to make ends meet but I never felt anything but loved.
If she's sensible she'll be ok.

I’d be very wary of letting her bring friends home while you’re not in, especially as you don’t know who her friends will be yet.
Your DD might be the most sensible, trustworthy girl in the world, but you can’t rely on her friends being. She could end up out of her depth with someone who doesn’t behave.

I would say its fine - yes the first few weeks might be a bit tricky with settling in - maybe you could have the first few days off to be home?? but in general she could stay at school in the library usually to do homework and pretty much every day at DDs school there are after school activities.

Make sure there is something there for a snack if you are eating once everyone home (realistically its going to be earliest 6.30 before eating. Or train her up in making light teas maybe using the microwave.

Mine is 12 and I would be happy to leave her but she is a young 2nd year high school (yr 8) so has now had nearly two yrs of being "grown up"

There is a huge amount of growth in the first month in terms of taking responsibility and being thrown into the hurly burly of high school so maybe a mix of someone being there sometimes would help

Try and encourage her to go to clubs after school. My son goes three times a week to various activities and won't be home until after 5pm. Mind you, I'm at home waiting for his return but if she's sensible i think you could give it a try.