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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful or spot on?

36 replies

Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 19:25

It was my husband's birthday yesterday. His dad said he and stepmum would pop round for a brew and give him his presents. Knock at the door, DH answers and comes back in about 2 minutes later. I'd just put kettle on for aforementioned cuppas so asked what everyone wanted and DH said they're not coming in. Oh, ok, did he bring you a present? Yes, says DH, holding up an unwrapped single jar of pickle and a tea towel.

The thing is DH is visibly upset but I'm angry. We are not at all grabby or materialistic (I got him a funny mug, keyring and new walking boots) but there is just so little thought (it wasn't even in a bag) I can't help feeling that it's step MIL being passive aggressive. DH would have genuinely been happy with a card but this stings more somehow than them not even bothering.

The back story and possible reason is that DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents (they are young adults living at home who incidently have never bought any of us including their nieces so much as a card, their names are signed by MIL) and MIL has been outwardly pissed off about this.

AIBU to be annoyed and upset for DH? Is step MIL a passive aggressive narcissist or are they just shit at presents? And finally should I/we confront her about it and say let's not bother with presents anymore or just take the moral high ground and keep buying thoughtful gifts for them?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/02/2018 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 19:31

Forgot to say, name changed as obviously outing!

OP posts:
notsodimwit · 07/02/2018 19:33

Ive had this all my life with my dad and sm but my dh gets more upset about it than me 😀I couldn't give a flying monkey! I don't like the pair of them much

Whocansay · 07/02/2018 19:35

Just stop buying them gifts. If they ask, tell them why,

Or give them the pickles and tea towel back for Christmas.

I would be hurt too. It's not the cost, it's the total lack of thought.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/02/2018 19:37

Dh should tell them not to bother next year
Or
Make a big show next time you see them about how amazingly delicious the pickles were and how the teatowel is perfect for your glasses/crystal Thanks soooooo much!
If it was a pa gift, that will flip it right back.

Royalfuckup · 07/02/2018 19:38

What a weird gift! Confused
Unless your DH is a pickle fanatic and collects tea towels, it is a very strange combination of gifts

lazyarse123 · 07/02/2018 19:40

Fgs why do we always have this shit "why blame step mil and not his dad" presumably they came together and his dad could see the presents as they weren't wrapped and could have said something. I would stop buying them gifts (I know you don't give to receive) but a little thought goes along way. Hope he still enjoyed his birthday.

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 19:42

Peng I am annoyed with FIL for going along with it but MIL does all the present buying as she has told me and with the way she's been towards DH about being late with siblings presents she's definitely the driving force behind it.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 07/02/2018 19:43

Sounds like they just grabbed a couple of things at random from a garden centre.

Argeles · 07/02/2018 19:44

That would really fuck me off.

I have someone in my family who treats my Dad like that, and I find it deeply hurtful.

The person in question is a spiteful, grudge-holding, vindictive bitch and I only talk to her when absolutely necessary or unavoidable.

She not that pleasant with anyone, but treats my Dad like he is the absolute lowest of the low. When it is his Birthday, she buys some really cheap and nasty presents for him, and often takes the piss further by leaving the price tags on. She either goes to his house and acts like a complete spoilt brat, and starts arguments, or just drops off presents and tells him that she won’t be staying, then quickly leaves.

My Dad’s parents have both passed away, and this person has been in his life for a long time and he has a lot of respect for her - but it’s only one way. I feel very sorry for him.

RadioGaGoo · 07/02/2018 19:46

I'd be further annoyed by the lack of cheese and crackers.

No idea what is going on in your DF and SMIL's head with that on OP. Its too weird combination to be done without a reason.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 07/02/2018 19:47

Or from the kitchen.

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 19:50

Argeles that is so sad 😢 I feel like she's being as horrible to DH.

Haha radio he would have been very happy with some cheese, crackers and pickle in a little hamper or just wrapped up. He was literally handed a solitary, naked jar if pickle, his little face when he came inside nearly made me cry!

OP posts:
sirlee66 · 07/02/2018 19:52

....a jar of pickles...??? Whhhaatttt!!! He got a jar of pickles for his birthday!?

To be fair, it's a blessing in disguise. Think of the funny story you can tell in a few days if anyone ever asks for a present suggestion or what their worst present was.. 'one year DH got a jar of pickles..' you'll deffo get bought a pint down the pub for that corker!

Historicallyinaccurate · 07/02/2018 19:54

DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents (they are young adults living at home who incidently have never bought any of us including their nieces so much as a card, their names are signed by MIL) and MIL has been outwardly pissed off about this.

A week or so late sounds more deliberate than forgetful. I wouldn't expect a separate card from the young adults living at home as they are already on a card (from mil), whereas I would expect your dh to remember sibling birthdays as he's an independent adult living out of that house. I'd be a bit peeved at a week or so lateness. Too. Maybe you should help him remember, then you'd be a bit more justified in complaining about someone else's crap birthday behaviour.

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 20:00

How does it sound more deliberate than forgetful? They are early twenties, pretty sure they won't die if they don't get their present on the day. You have no idea the reasons why he has been late!

OP posts:
Historicallyinaccurate · 07/02/2018 20:11

You have no idea the reasons why he has been late!
No, you didn't indicate there was Amy good reason why he couldn't fire off a quick text to wish them happy birthday. I'd say if he's so bad over a week goes by before he realizes he's missed their birthdays, maybe he should put it on a calendar or something. Sounds like it's happened more than once and he's not particularly bothered about that, so why should others care more about his?

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 20:13

Omg I never said he forgot their birthdays!! He ALWAYS rings them on the day and almost always had their presents bought beforehand. I can think of three times he has been late with their actual gifts and yes there have been good reasons. Why so horrible?

OP posts:
Historicallyinaccurate · 07/02/2018 20:15

Haha. That's not what you originally stated though, so don't go blaming me for having an opinion you don't agree with, based on inaccurate or incomplete information you gave! Nothing horrible there!

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 20:17

The back story and possible reason is that DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents

That pretty clearly says what I meant. Nowhere did I say he forgot their birthday. Maybe don't jump to conclusions next time.

OP posts:
Historicallyinaccurate · 07/02/2018 20:21

Yup, reeally clear. Maybe don't assume everyone else knows what you haven't explained.
If I were you, I would keep out of the situation between dh and his own family regarding presents and birthdays. If your comments on here are any indication of how you react in RL, I'm sure you'd only inflame the situation.
All the best.

Crunchymum · 07/02/2018 20:26

Maybe don't post in AIBU if you cannot handle people disagreeing with you????

Original poster
Nothingbutapickle · 07/02/2018 20:29

Crunchy I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. I just have a problem with people assuming something that isn't true then getting funny when I explain otherwise.

OP posts:
Petal12 · 07/02/2018 20:30

Seemed perfectly clear to me OP

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 07/02/2018 20:32

Next time they visit its cheese and pickle sandwiches all round op.