Ungrateful or spot on?

[Nothingbutapickle]

It was my husband's birthday yesterday. His dad said he and stepmum would pop round for a brew and give him his presents. Knock at the door, DH answers and comes back in about 2 minutes later. I'd just put kettle on for aforementioned cuppas so asked what everyone wanted and DH said they're not coming in. Oh, ok, did he bring you a present? Yes, says DH, holding up an unwrapped single jar of pickle and a tea towel.

The thing is DH is visibly upset but I'm angry. We are not at all grabby or materialistic (I got him a funny mug, keyring and new walking boots) but there is just so little thought (it wasn't even in a bag) I can't help feeling that it's step MIL being passive aggressive. DH would have genuinely been happy with a card but this stings more somehow than them not even bothering.

The back story and possible reason is that DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents (they are young adults living at home who incidently have never bought any of us including their nieces so much as a card, their names are signed by MIL) and MIL has been outwardly pissed off about this.

AIBU to be annoyed and upset for DH? Is step MIL a passive aggressive narcissist or are they just shit at presents? And finally should I/we confront her about it and say let's not bother with presents anymore or just take the moral high ground and keep buying thoughtful gifts for them?

OP, this is what happens in my family when dp is in charge of presents. Nothing is wrapped and it's all minimal, if remembered at all. I can understand your DSM leaving this job to him since it's his son and really, she shouldn't have to oversee it, should she? It's that old "wife-work" argument which I can certainly empathise with. To blame your DSM is to hold her to a higher standard than your dh's own father, which can't be right, can it?

I wasn't getting funny op. I was saying what I would have told my own dh/sibling/friend, etc. You said dh was a week or so late with presents, but didn't say he texted or phones on the day, so I think it is a reasonable assumption to make that he hadn't given presents on time because he had forgotten or wasn't motivated to gift ahead of the day. If there was a reason, I would have thought it important enough to be mentioned, as you indicated this was a reason for mil to deliberately be passive aggressive over his own present. You gave no reason, so it sounded as if you were glossing over it.
I have no problem accepting I may have jumped to an inaccurate conclusion, but I do not think it was an unreasonable assumption to make from the info given. Your immediate response to me was sarcastic... Nice.

Whiskaspie I apologise for my sarcasm and getting defensive. I was just trying to keep my OP concise. He could and maybe should give the presents early, the reason he has been late is because he has been away with work twice and once was because I had just given birth.

Sand I do agree actually, it shouldn't be the wife's job, hence why DH is in charge for his families presents haha.

So it’s his step mum. Are the sibling still living at home hers ? I haven’t got anything against step mums btw. Is it possible she’s just a crap present buyers. What kinds of gifts does she buy everyone else?

Finders Yes, her children. Usual presents are nice enough, nothing extra thoughtful just smellies, alcohol etc. but I've never been given an unwrapped jar of mint sauce and I'm sure as heck her children haven't been given jam.

are they dsm biological children?

being late on more than one occasion is rude though but u say he does ring them

Nice passive aggression, Whiskaspie. Are you OP's SMIL?

OP said "The back story and possible reason is that DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents". Occasionally not constantly. There are instances where it's impossible to deliver the presents on time.

OP, I think you and DH should invite his DF and DSM to tea and the "presents" displayed on the coffee table or on the mantle - any place where they'd be sure to see them (as if they were an ornament).

See that gift would pass for normal in my family. We are admittedly rubbish at gift giving though.

Anyway, I wouldn't get involved - they are his family and however odd they are its best to let him sort it out.

We have a game at Christmas that started when the children were young. (Presents from some relations could be a bit startling and children can be so truthful...)

We have a prize for 'the worst present most gracefully received' .

Past winners have been cheerful recipients of enormous floral swimming trunks - a rusty coaster - an astonishingly bright photo frame - a tie hanger and so many more.

When a truly awful present gets a delighted response - it is because someone knows they are in the running for this year's prize.

I suggest that Christmas presents are going to be a doddle for your DH this year. He can stock up on random groceries and matching dusters for all his family!

OP said "The back story and possible reason is that DH has occasionally been a week or so late with his siblings birthday presents". Occasionally not constantly. There are instances where it's impossible to deliver the presents on time.
nonfat I don't disagree with that. But equally, the things I (wrongly) assumed weren't mentioned either. I'm sure I'm not the first person in the history of AIBU to jump to an inaccurate conclusion based on incomplete information . Nothing intentionally passive aggressive about it (a vastly over used phrase).

Anyhow, op, based on your updated info, either straight out call mil/fil on it, or just give up on presents both ways. Much less angst and assumptions all round.