To ask why women financially dependent on men are viewed as morally superior to those dependent on the state?!

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Just that really, my experience and something I see everywhere.
Having a baby on benefits? Irresponsible. Single mums? A drain on society raising kids without fathers who are growing up to be uncontrollable. A government document citing such women as raising the 'psychopaths of the future'. Women to blame for a cycle of poverty which never ends.
What scroungers. Lack of morals. Less so than married women whose husbands work. Why?
Why are women in relationships where men provide financially known as SAHMs but single mums are just that. Implying thay staying at home is only a morally acceptable choice if you have a partner. The single parents are pushed to find work by baby aged 2. Housework for them isnt seen as work at all but sitting on their arses all day.

Instead of the moral segregation of women based on their relationship status why can we not view their lives as equal in the case of any woman whom cannot be financially independent in their own right, and start to look at how more women can become independent of both men and the welfare state?
And to stop double standards as if mums hide what money they have in order to claim money for their kids they are done for benefit fraud.
If men do it by hiding capital in court for maintenence or divorce, the woman is still gets judged for having to live off benefits whilst men get off scot free and go on to impregnate more whomen whom may or may not stay together. Worse, imo, the judgement of women recieving welfare assistance is doubled if there are more than one father, the children are mixed race, the more children there are or the fact the woman dares to have a sexual relationship with another partner whom she cannot afford to live with because most men cannot or won't take financial responsibility for children who aren't theirs just because they love their mum. And why should they?
As it happens I had babies on benefits and have fucking grafted to get to where I am. I work equally hard as I did then but in a totally different way. Yet the difference in how I am treated is astounding.
AIBU to ask for your views on this and what can we do to change it?

The other thing people forget as well is how much luck plays a part in their life.

That's very true. And why the whole notion of meritocracy isn't as great as it may first appear. If I'm cynical, I think people don't like to admit it. They prefer to think they've done well in life because they're somehow a better, worthier person rather than just being a lucky one.

Why is being a single parent a less desirable outcome?

It's a far more desirable outcome than remaining trapped in an unhappy or abusive marriage.

Yeh, I reject the notion that I'm inferior because I'm single. I've achieved more on my own two feet than most married sahms which to be honest does on occasion make me feel stronger, more ''tested''. It's not feeling superior to married sahms per se but I know that I have proved myself, they've never had to, which in the moment of crisis seems like a bad thing but actually when you come out the other end you realise that you're a more resilient, resourceful, creative version of yourself. I like myself more now. I understand why I was drawn to my x. I forgive myself for that mistake. I look at women my age and so many of them would be devastated if their marriages failed now and yet I know that at 47 I'm independent and looking forward to a bit more freedom because I have so many things I'm enthusiastic to do on my own. I'm not blaming married women for their dependence on their husbands, socially more than financially I mean in this statement, that is society, people pair up and do some things only with the crutch of a partner.

Yes Natalia, I love Alan de Botton's clips on this subject.

I haven't seen those, Charismam. Which of his books would you recommend?

oooh well I love the consolations of philosophy! I haven't read any of the others. I think he's churning them out a bit. But that one is excellent. My friend who did philosophy doesn't like it but that's only because it makes philosophy accessible!

If I was still married my desirable outcome would've been punched out of me or Id be dead+ dd would've been watching the violence, oh yes highly desirable

I'll try that - thanks! I've read a lot of things in which he is referenced but (lazily!) have never got round actually to reading him. I shall remedy that!

Yeh, I reject the notion that I'm inferior because I'm single.

Good. I hope it's clear what total bollocks has been spouted on this thread about that. We all knew it would be vomited forth from the word go.

It's infuriating because people don't know me but I get judged and sneered at because I'm single and I personally think yep well look down your nose at me but don't count your chickens because circumstances can change overnight and nobody is immune from life

Even with both parties working there is still some co-dependence.
I also do not buy the notion that history repeats itself.
I may only work very part time but my dds know I have worked full time for 20 years pre dc.
I have no doubt that they will go on to have a far better career than me as they are very able.
Although dd1s best friend is a child with a non working single parent and this child is top in all subjects and will have a fantastic career ahead of her.

I'm so glad to see this being discussed.

What about those of us single Mums whose children's father LEFT.......???? My ex left me. Hasn't paid for his child. We agreed to start a family. Then he left when our child was 1. Yet I am treated like the criminal.......the drain on society. Despite the fact that I am not working due to being severely disabled. Nope, the fact I'm a single Mum is all people see and choose to judge me for. It hurts. So does the heartbreak of losing the love of my life and my daughter's father

I love being a single mum, I don't feel inferior or unlucky. I feel like my life is exactly as it should be. We have everything we need. Nobody is supporting us - I'm doing it all on my own and doing it well. I feel strong and independent.

If other people are judging me then that is probably coming from their own feelings of insecurity and doubts that they could stand on their own two feet.

I don't think people do judge on relationship status as such, what is judged is when people decide to have chidren then opt out of supporting them be it the RP, NRP or a couple who claim top up benefits etc.

Yes relationships go wrong, that's hardly an unknown, but if you put all your eggs in one basket rather than having the ability to continue to support yourself and children should it happen then realistically no financial planning or thought was given before deciding to have a child. That's irresponsible. However it's becoming a fact of life now, more and more have children they know they don't plan to support from birth or in the event of a relationship breakdown and society should judge that as it should be seen as very wrong not to financially support a child.

society should judge that as it should be seen as very wrong not to financially support a child.

I know I keep banging on about the same point....but is it then quite wrong only to partially support a child? As most parents who aren't higher earners are doing? Should higher earning parents judge those with median incomes and children as they are, let's not forget, being subsidised by the state. Why is it so different to be paid benefits by the state from being given services (health, education etc) by it?

People don't generally get to decide how much they get paid, that is decided for them - either by the state or by private companies. I didn't decide to not get a pay rise for 15 years, that was decided for me. I think there needs to be a much higher minimum wage, so we can all stop looking down on the least paid.

I don't claim top up benefits, I don't mind paying for other people to get them. I do wish that minimum wage was £10+ a hour and we could say goodbye to in work benefits.

Because children need there mother's more than there father's.
It's true. You can't deny it. Young children need mummy. The crux of their emotional well being comes from mummy.*

🙄
Utter Bollocks.

YY

FFS some folk think they're perfect

Children need appropriate punctuation.

Children need appropriate punctuation.

😂
Yes they do! 😂😂

This comment will be removed for troll hunting, but I assumed that 'children need there mummy's ' poster was a man. Usually, people who post overtly sexist crap with explicitly feminine usernames are big fat penis-y male trolls.

Illiteracy is indiscriminate, however.

People who judge with a post littered with errors are laughable

I think that having a child is a right, so long as you love them - people are not generally poor or on benefits through choice, so it is awful to say they shouldn't have dc because they cannot meet all the costs. The people 'taking advantage' of the welfare system are not costing the country as much money as those much wealthier people who employ clever accountants to avoid tax.
People who get top ups in the form of tax credits, only need this because they are not paid enough money to live. The fault here is with the govt, who is happy to subsidise big business with public money, rather than make them accountable for their own wage bill.

people are not generally poor or on benefits through choice, so it is awful to say they shouldn't have dc because they cannot meet all the costs.

I agree. Because (and excuse the same point again) if you only allow people who can meet all the costs (the actual costs, not just earning enough to pay a bit of tax), then there'd be very few people who could have children. Only very rich people, in actuality. Which would cause all sorts of other problems for us as a society.

I really try hard not to be illiterate. It's not my strong point in life. I am dyslexic but have never let that get in the way. I even managed to get a 1:1 in my degree!

Being dyslexic doesn't mean your not intelligent. It's just a jumble getting your thoughts down on paper... Or screen!

I am also not a man. I have most definitely pushed 3 babies out my vagina.

I have seen the affects of marriages breaking down. Both men and women leaving. The children seem to cope better if dad leaves rather then if mum leaves.

Babies need their mothers more then their fathers. I think young children do to. Children always need love and care from both parents. And of course children will thrive with 2 dad's. I never said gay people can't be parents.
I just deep down believe that children should be looked after by their mother. Mum should be at home with them not at nursery or a childminder. I do know 2 stay at home dad's and they are brilliant at it. I wouldn't want to take that away from them.

I also think a lot of this thinking stems from your own childhood. Reflecting back on your own childhood and the way you were raised and who looked after you.

I am sorry to cause any hurt with my ideas on parenting.