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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

11 year old shown gay porn pics

29 replies

DrPill · 06/02/2018 13:56

DS who's almost 12 and a few other classmates - boys and girls - were shown some gay porn images by a kid in their year - think S&M with blurred out genitals, men in skimpy undies gyrating into each other, naked men spread-eagled with pixilated bits etc. It happened during break and on the school bus. The child saw them at home on dad's lap top.
My course of action has been criticised by Ex DH.
WWYD? Nothing, speak to the parents, speak to the school or social services?

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/02/2018 13:57

Speak to the school, let them deal with it as a safeguarding issue.

Pengggwn · 06/02/2018 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves · 06/02/2018 13:59

I would report to the school and let them take it from there. Approaching the parent directly is rarely a good idea.

What course of action is your exh criticising?

falsepriest · 06/02/2018 14:05

Speak to the school, and answer questions your kid might have :)

Original poster
DrPill · 06/02/2018 14:06

I spoke to the school. ExDH wants me to ignore it and keep Ds1 away from this boy

[edited by MNHQ for privacy concerns]

OP posts:
Original poster
DrPill · 06/02/2018 14:07

Opps DS1 I mean Blush

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 06/02/2018 14:10

Exh is wrong. You're right. This is a safeguarding concern and the responsible thing to do is report to the school.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 06/02/2018 14:11

Hi OP,

We've edited that for you now - hope that's okay and if there's anything else we can do, give us a shout.

user1474652148 · 06/02/2018 14:14

Inform the school then time to talk to your child about loving relationships are not porn images, and take all forms

Original poster
DrPill · 06/02/2018 14:33

Thanks @lornamumsnet his name just appeared from my fingertips!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 06/02/2018 14:34

Report it to the school and let them deal with it. I wouldn’t just ignore it.

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 14:36

Honestly, I think it's fairly normal for young boys (and girls) to see porn. And normal and healthy for them to be intrigued by, revolted by, aroused by, and interested in it (delete as appropriate!). It used to be magazines stuffed into hedges. Now it's ubiquitous on the internet. I imagine this will happen over and over again from here on out, unfortunately.

I think the most valuable thing you can do is to teach your son where the boundaries of safety are, what a loving relationship looks like, what sex ought to be about, and what consent is. Obviously not all at once, not all today, but soon.

gillybeanz · 06/02/2018 14:37

I would speak to the school, ask what they intend to do about it and if it wasn't informing ss and Police, would do it myself.
I would not involve the child's parents unless we were close friends and knew them well.

It is illegal, a safeguarding issue and ss provide a service for children who are affected by this stuff, I know as this happened to my poor dd a few years ago.
SS were brilliant and came to our home and gave dd some info, and a short type of course for a few weeks. I can't remember what it was called, but similar to what they teach in PHSE.
Please make sure both your child and the child providing the material get the services they are entitled to.

Rainboho · 06/02/2018 14:41

If you know because your DS told you, you have done a great job in being a Mum he can come to with these concerns.

I would tell the school. I would also keep talking to DS.

Tainbri · 06/02/2018 14:43

I agree with whiskeyowl. Sadly it is so common these days. It happened to my DS when he was only 8. He came home and described some imagery involving gags and gimp masks and what's more, he'd viewed it on the school computer. All I got was a feeble apology from school that they'd had issues with their firewall and that was that - couldn't care less. It came as a shock to me have to discuss such things with DS when he was so young but it's a horrible fact of modern life that they will get to see it and a lot younger than previous generations Sad

LadyFlangeWidget · 06/02/2018 14:45

omg he was 8 and saw this? School computer? What planet am I living on? This is truly shocking.

Screaminginsideme · 06/02/2018 14:53

We aren’t in the 80’s or 90’s now people. Porn on the internet is more pervasive, aggressive, derogatory and generally nastier than anything you might have found in a hedge when you were children. Just because it happens all the time doesn’t make it ok. This attitude is why we have teenagers being pressured/ pressuring each other to sext etc. Talk to the school and ask for a follow up to find out what their action has been. Discuss with your ds what porn is and why it isn’t good to rely on that for sexual knowledge. Insist you DH talks to his son about sex and consent etc now. Make sure the lines of communication are firmly open and swallow you embarrassment and awkwardness. Make it easy to talk about things with you or his dad. When he’s a bit older watch consent is like tea video with him and discuss. Use this as an opportunity to discuss it with other parents in a non confrontational way.

MsHarry · 06/02/2018 15:01

Report to school, they will take it up with parents.

Pinkbendyman · 06/02/2018 15:01

Speak to the Headteacher ASAP - this is a serious safeguarding issue.

OutyMcOutface · 06/02/2018 15:05

Definitely report to the school. Have a nice long hat with your son as well. It's nice that he trusts you enough to tell you.

Greensleeves · 06/02/2018 15:10

I agree with Screaming that the stuff that is easily available now via a couple of clicks on a smartphone would make our 1980s toes curl. The thought of my 13 and 15yo boys looking at some of it scares me sideways - but realistically, I know it's pretty unlikely they haven't seen stuff, I don't think either of them would go looking for it (ds1 is a radical feminist and ds2 isn't quite... there yet) but we'd be idiots to think there isn't a regular grapevine of kids showing one another whatever they've found online, the viler the better. It's still a safeguarding issue though, especially with kids this young, and the school/parents need to know so they can talk to the kids and try and counter the messages that are being received (it may seem like bailing out the Titanic with a teacup, but it's better than nothing)

Lalliella · 06/02/2018 15:12

Definitely tell the school. I’m a governor and I’ve just been on a safeguarding course. The school will have someone appointed who will deal with it. Don’t approach the other parent. And definitely don’t do nothing!

DN4GeekinDerby · 06/02/2018 15:16

I agree with what you did in talking to the school and agree with others that it's great your child could talk to you about it. While you can talk about avoiding the kid who did this, and I have done so with my own in a sadly similar experience, it's still a safeguarding issue for the school and all the adults involved need to know what's going on for it be dealt with. You can't exactly keep your son from the other kid while they're in school so that seems a weak solution.

Northernparent68 · 06/02/2018 16:01

I think contacting the police is a bit much, and who is committing the offence ? The father for looking at legal porn, or the kid for distributing legal porn.

What is it you think social services will do ? In reality just tell the father not to allow his son to use his computer, or do you think the child should be taken into care ?

madmomma · 06/02/2018 17:17

It's fucking awful but where there's boys and smartphones there's porn. Absolutely sickening. I did my first day as a high school TA about 12yrs ago and in the very first lesson I sat in there was porn on phones being passed around. Average school. We have to get a handle on this shit! Why they let kids have phones in school in the first place I'll never know.