Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To consider this friend a CF and go LC?

75 replies

Peoplesuckballs · 06/02/2018 11:22

Friend accepted invitation to my child's birthday party then texted me to say that can't make it as her child's best friend has party on the same day. She offered to meet on the next day, but I feel really let down as my child is only inviting a few people and she knows I have been struggling with health issues and isolation due to maternity leave.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 06/02/2018 13:03

I get why you’re upset but it’s not the child’s fault that her Mum accepted it and I don’t think I’d make my child miss her best friends party. Also she did offer to meet the next day so she does get you’re struggling.

ShutYoFace · 06/02/2018 13:07

I'm genuinely surprised how many shitty people are on mn

me too. And how they put their own feelings so far above their childrens

HingleMcCringleberry · 06/02/2018 13:14

Are you OK Lying? You seem very angry about this. Have people accepted invites from you in the past and then bailed for something else? That would definitely put my back up.

People, how are you feeling now? Have the responses helped to reframe the question? Your friend still wants to see you, and, better yet, it'll be some one-on-one time, rather than in the context of a big children's party, with snatched conversations. You surely don't want to phase them out over something like this, do you?

rcit · 06/02/2018 13:19

Well op, this friend got into a shitty situation through no fault of her own.

Either she continues to accept your original invitation and her child misses their best friend’s party
or
she has to commit the faux pas of rescinding her acceptance to yours.

Not a great choice to have to make!

RedSkyAtNight · 06/02/2018 13:22

How old are the children? That's fairly crucial.

e.g.
Both DC are 2 - go to OP's party
OP's DC is 3 and friend's child is 9 - go to BF's party

Allthewaves · 06/02/2018 13:26

Is their dc friends with your dc

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 13:27

Yanbu, the rule is you go with the first invite you accepted, not ditch because a 'better' one came along.

I agree. Pretty hurtful to ditch the invite because something better came along.

Original poster

Peoplesuckballs · 06/02/2018 13:28

Thank you all for your views, you have given me a lot to think about. My DD is 5 and has only invited 5 friends. At this age, parties and friendships are really facilitated by parents as kids not old enough to plan things. My invitation was accepted about a week ago and she only told me yesterday that she couldn't make it as she found an invitation in her school bag for her best friend's party. I get it but still very hurt.

OP posts:

Original poster

Peoplesuckballs · 06/02/2018 13:30

Both DC are 5 and yes they are friends but admittedly we mums are bigger friends than they are. It hurts because the other invite was left on her DC school bag, so a new friendship and not even a direct invite by the other DC's mum. Plus feel let down as she had already rsvp'd.

OP posts:

Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:34

when is the party?

Original poster

Peoplesuckballs · 06/02/2018 13:36

Party is for mid March. I waited for her to come up for a date for her DD's party as they are both March babies and then gave her mine so we could attend each others party.

OP posts:

Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:41

Honestly love, you are WAY overthinking this, you can easily invite someone else to make up the numbers if you need to, otherwise if it's only 4 DC, that's nice too.

Why not invite her and her DD over before/after, it's a good excuse for you to do something else and perhaps it will help with the feelings of isolation.

Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:44

I wanted my message to come over to you as more sympathetic than I think it did. I know you're feeling rubbish at the moment, it's crap feeling so alone and stuff, it gets better (((hug)))

StellaHeyStella · 06/02/2018 13:44

You've every right to feel let down op.

What on earth does she think she is teaching her child by doing this? You always honour the first invitation.

Not only is your friend a CF, she has no manners and she is rude.

MadMags · 06/02/2018 13:49

If they’re not at school together then I’d be more understanding of your friend taking dd to the other party.

It’s an important age to try to cement school friendships, and she did offer An alternative.

Original poster

Peoplesuckballs · 06/02/2018 13:55

I guess it is what it is and I have to accept that this is what she decided to do. What gets me is that she didn't even contact me to tell me this. It was when I contacted her for something else that she broke the news to me. On one hand I appreciate the honesty on the other maybe she could have lied and spared my hurt feelings.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 06/02/2018 13:58

Personally I think it's rude to accept an invitation, let the host make all the arrangement and then change your mind. I'd tell ny child that we'd already told A that we were going to her party and she'd be upset if we didn't, and we'd go out for a special day with the best friend another day. We should teach children that people have feelings and it's not all about wWhat they want. The world would be much nicer if the next generation grew up a little less selfish and more caring than this one.

ArcheryAnnie · 06/02/2018 14:00

I'm with everyone who says it's terrible behaviour to pull out of an event because a better offer has come along.

HuskyMcClusky · 06/02/2018 14:06

We should teach children that people have feelings and it's not all about what they want.

Yes, that would be nice.

I think what this mum did was rude and hurtful.

Figgygal · 06/02/2018 14:09

I have a 6 year old and I get it I really do but I can just imagine my DC reaction if he had an invite to his best friends party with all of his other friends from school and I said he couldn't go as he was going to a party of a friend of mines child (no matter how well they get on he would still want his bestie).

I don't think there is a good way to handle this scenario.

Witchend · 06/02/2018 14:21

I generally wouldn't pull out, but I do have some sympathy in this situation.

At 5yo my dc had very definite ideas as to who was being invited, so I'd disagree that it's still parents at that age.

But also if you've invited 4 friends from school and her, it could well be fairly miserable for her. I've seen similar situations (at that age too) where the 5 who know each other just naturally gravitate to each other. Then the birthday child's mum tells them to make sure the other one isn't left out, and it doesn't work very well, they're still an odd one out.

Hissy · 06/02/2018 14:30

What on earth does she think she is teaching her child by doing this?

the kid is 5. she'll rock up at a party... it won't register

likewise, the OP dd won't notice 30seconds after the other kids have arrived...

ShutYoFace · 06/02/2018 14:33

We should teach children that people have feelings and it's not all about what they want

Not by telling them that their own feelings don't matter we shouldn't.

People are not understanding here that children do not accept or decline invites, you do. It may be bad form for an adult to accept an invite to something for themselves and then take a different offer (although there are many instances where it would not be), but this is not that.
This is a parent accepting an invite to THEIR friends party, and then telling their kid that they can't go to their own friends party. What it says is my adult friends and their feelings matter, my child and her friends feelings do not.

And since we are talking about girls, its an even worse message. "hey little girl, subjugate your own needs and desires to other people politeness. Put being nice above all else and put yourself last, and I will do that on your behalf until you learn".

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 14:34

Really nasty Shutyoface.

It is a bit rude OP. However, not much you can do about it really. I'm sorry for your child who was expecting your friends child to attend. It's not very nice for her.

ShutYoFace · 06/02/2018 14:34

What gets me is that she didn't even contact me to tell me this. It was when I contacted her for something else that she broke the news to me

because it is SIX weeks away!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread