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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be on benefits.

43 replies

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 05/02/2018 21:40

My husband left in May and since then I've been on benefits.
My teenage son has special needs but was high functioning, his mental health has gone downhill to the point he is suicidal, he doesn't go to school,he doesn't leave his bedroom unless I make him, he doesn't wash, eat or drink without me prompting him and providing it so he gets disability and I am his carer, as well as having other children.

I was looking for work when my husband left but stopped when my sons mental health became too much.

Today someone told me it was disgusting that I was sponging when I'm fit to work and I should be looking for work and taking anything I was offered, not being fussy so that I wasn't on benefits anymore.
He also said I was using my son as an excuse and if it was his son he wouldn't give him a choice and would "drag him out" if he had to.

I've spent the rest of the day pretty upset about it

OP posts:

NewYearNiki · 05/02/2018 21:41

Fuck them op.

tissuesosoft · 05/02/2018 21:42

That someone is an arsehole for saying that. You are prioritising your family, nothing wrong with that. You sound incredibly strong

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/02/2018 21:42

Yep second that.

ProfessorPickles · 05/02/2018 21:43

Family is the only thing that matters OP, fuck em

Original poster

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 05/02/2018 21:43

I should add, I do a few hours a week of voluntary work, while my son is ignoring his support worker (he has selective mutism)

OP posts:

chequeplease · 05/02/2018 21:43

Ignore them. You're doing the right thing for you and your family

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/02/2018 21:44

...I mean the posters comments. Not the arseholes comment ...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/02/2018 21:44

Your work is looking after your son. The state is paying you peanuts for it. Person you spoke to is an arsehole.

Springtrolls · 05/02/2018 21:46

Tell the person to fuck off. And cut them out of your life.

InToMyHeart · 05/02/2018 21:46

IMO you are working, you're taking care of your son who clearly needs you at home.
I think the only disgusting person in this situation is the prick man who said this to you.

FadedRed · 05/02/2018 21:50

Considering how much money you are saving the state by being your son''s career, it sounds like a bargain.
Any person who says otherwise is an offensive arse.

Glumglowworm · 05/02/2018 21:50

YADNBU, ignore the ignorant dicks like that person. Benefits are there for exactly this kind of thing, where circumstances beyond your control mean you can’t work.

You may be fit for work but your son needs you. Your job right now is caring for him. A job that would be far more costly to the state if it was paying someone else to do it.

petbear · 05/02/2018 21:51

Who the fuck said that OP? Neighbour, family member, 'friend?'

Racoonworld · 05/02/2018 21:52

I am usually very opinionated about benefits and firmly believe that if you can work you should rather than relying on the state.

However you have your son to look after, it isn't your fault or his that he has additional needs, and this is what benefits are supposed to be for, to help people who need it! Ignore this person, he obviously doesn't understand.

Original poster

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 05/02/2018 21:52

My mental health is suffering, I get that few hours to myself, to be around other people and keep my hand in my career really and someone decided to make me feel like shit about it all 😔

OP posts:

borlottibeans · 05/02/2018 21:54

This person is a massive massive arsehole and you should pay him no attention.

Even by his own shitty logic you are saving public money by providing care for your son at what must be a significantly lower cost than the wage that professional carers would be paid to look after him. And you volunteer on top of that! Even though I don't know you it is obvious that you are a good person who is doing her very best in tough circumstances.

Yettilegs11 · 05/02/2018 21:57

The only people who should feel shit are your ex for leaving and the shit you spoke to today.

You have been strong so far. I hope you never run into this sanctimonious shit again.

Gigimoll · 05/02/2018 21:57

I want to tell you our family story.

My mom left my dad for another man when I was 5 months old. My brother had asbergers syndrome but it was undiagnosed until he started going to hospital for holes in his kidneys when he was around 10. When I was 7 I found my 11 year old brother hanging from his bunk bed blue. Luckily, I was in time. At this point my dad had a girlfriend who abused us and she was horrible to my poor mom. She stopped my dad giving money to my mom and we have never struggled like it. My mom had a job working as a carer working 27 hour shifts just to provide. She didn't know about the benefit system too well at the time.
Once my brother had his first suicide attempt, she was allowed as much time off as she wanted by the company. They were very understanding. But she had to leave when he tried again 5 months later. There was no one to look after me as she put my brother in a specialist hospital on suicide watch for 6 weeks.
Things got a lot better for us when we were given a new council house in a very respectable area near my grandma and granddad. My brother didn't try again until 2015 when he took his own life in the same way at the age of 22 in his own home.
If my mom hasn't had gone on benefits, I wouldn't have had the time with my brother as he would have succeeded long ago. Who gives a crap if it's not respectable? You're doing what you need to do to look after your family. You can always get a job.
Focus on your son and do not feel bad about it. He is most important, not what people think.
If people are honestly this damn well disgusted with you for being on benefits to put your son first, than they need a long hard look at themselves and you don't need them in your life. Please don't listen.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/02/2018 22:20

Was this twat volunteering too or a customer?

Or not work related?

Starlight2345 · 05/02/2018 22:23

Do what you need to I am a LP and have a child with SN's I am finding it increasingly difficult to manage work..

it sounds like you are far more needed by your DS than to cut the benefit bill ..

Ignore the ignorant person who has never walked a mile in your shoes.

Cockmagic · 05/02/2018 22:25

Gigimoll

Such a sad story , your mum sounds amazing

PoorYorick · 05/02/2018 22:30

Well fuck that ignorant loser with a sandpaper cactus. The money's there for people who need it, OP, and you need it.

Some people don't realise that it's supposed to be a GOOD thing that impoverished and ill people no longer starve in gutters.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2018 22:32

OP, please take no notice. Please don't let the rant of a complete and utter prick enter your mind. I have worked all my life, I come from a wealthy, stable background, private education. I am at the bottom of the list of people you'd expect to find on benefits. However, after a long marriage, my now ex-h left us for OW, having pressured me into a having a baby at 42 years old. I had given up a long established city career to help him build his business and in the space of a few hours after announcing he was leaving, I found myself illegally sacked, all finances cut off, he stopped paying the mortgage, he cut off all utilities, mobiles, insurance, everything. In the midst of this, my then 2.5 year old was referred for assessment for autism, subsequently confirmed around 18 months later. Literally overnight I found myself a benefit claimant. Four years later, I still can't quite get my head round it. Currently, I feel completely trapped by the system. I take comfort from the really lovely lady at the JobCentre who dealt with my for the first year or so. She said that the system was there to help people like me, who found themselves in an impossible position and with no choice. She was really kind, empathetic, treated me with dignity and respect when I was struggling to string two words together, let alone care for my children. I have paid a huge amount of tax over the years, I was a reasonably high earner and this current situation was forced on me without any choices. It's the same for you. Anybody with a high need SEN child knows that you can't simply "go back to work". As much a I'd love to be back where I was, that is now impossible and will never happen again. I am hoping this situation is fairly "temporary" for me and it will be for you. Please ignore the judgemental twats who come out with this stuff. You have nothing to be ashamed of

KatnissMellark · 05/02/2018 22:33

What an absolute fucking arsehole. Not you.

Starlight2345 · 05/02/2018 22:38

@gigmol

what a tragic story..

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