To be on benefits.

[NameChangedAndForgotOldName]

My husband left in May and since then I've been on benefits.
My teenage son has special needs but was high functioning, his mental health has gone downhill to the point he is suicidal, he doesn't go to school,he doesn't leave his bedroom unless I make him, he doesn't wash, eat or drink without me prompting him and providing it so he gets disability and I am his carer, as well as having other children.

I was looking for work when my husband left but stopped when my sons mental health became too much.

Today someone told me it was disgusting that I was sponging when I'm fit to work and I should be looking for work and taking anything I was offered, not being fussy so that I wasn't on benefits anymore.
He also said I was using my son as an excuse and if it was his son he wouldn't give him a choice and would "drag him out" if he had to.

I've spent the rest of the day pretty upset about it

YANBU

But I also wouldn't say you're on benefits. You get your salary of carer's allowance for doing your job as a carer. Any top up benefits you get on top of that are only what any low paid worker gets - they aren't out of work benefits.

The only disgraceful thing in your situation is that a carer's salary isn't at least minimum wage.

To the lady who said my mom is amazing - thank you ♥

I've been on benefits twice.

Once in a similar situation to yours (except DS was only a baby, so needed me in that respect) and was on them for a couple of years until DS started school and again about five years back after a breakdown.

They're there to support people when they're struggling. It's what they're for.

I've had the same comments and I'm a carer for my disabled daughter. Tbf the job centre still Expects carers to look for work so they have a point I guess.

Sounds like you're a fulltime carer to me. That isn't sponging.

Funny isn't it (hardehardehar) how women's work is never valued and mother's work even less than nil.

You are doing a valuable job. It is a shame that society doesn't value it.

That man (typical!) is an arsehole.

Did somebody say "salary of carer's allowance"?! I appreciate that there are "top up benefits" but to say carer's allowance is a salary is frankly a joke. If somebody you knew was paying for somebody to look after a disabled person in full time care, you'd expect to pay more than £300 a month wouldn't you? That is the "salary" of a carer.

My friends son has selective mutism. On his last day of school his dad recorded him speaking at home and played it to his teachers of 14 yrs and every one cried to hear his voice.

You know what OP. Some people are just real shits. Really nasty shitty people who you would never associate with at any cost. And these same shitty people would say to you "take this shitty job" and then blame you for being in a shitty job saying you should've worked harder.

It's easy to kick a person when they are in a difficult position. You can't buy class, you can't buy manners, and while that person is laying in his bed tonight gloating all smug and full of themselves for telling you what's what, they don't realise that the better people in society who have manners, understanding and empathy, think that people like them are the shit on our shoes. You need help, so does your son, not condemnation from a twat.

Hold your head up OP. You are doing a tremendous job with your son, he's hurting, he's distressed and very vulnerable but he has a mum who loves him dearly and will fight his corner all the way. That's what the system is there for and this shitty person would literally crap himself if personally faced with both your circumstances and financial difficulties.

That idiot is the biggest wanker in the universe for saying that to you.
Working does not suit everyone. It seems to me your life in itself is more than a full time job.
I fucking despise closed minded self righteous cunts.
Do what works for you.

You know what OP. Some people are just real shits. Really nasty shitty people who you would never associate with at any cost. And these same shitty people would say to you "take this shitty job" and then blame you for being in a shitty job saying you should've worked harder

Yes! So true. Get him shut right out your life op.

Gigimoll I always say that my Mum is the best in the world but yours takes the crown. Stories like yours is why I fight every day in any way I can to keep our welfare state and advise people on how to claim.
Op take no notice whatsoever of the complete and utter twat who said that to you. You are doing an amazing job and if full time carers were sent in (which is what would be needed)the cost to the state would tenfold your benefits.

Whoever said that to you is an ignorant cunt, ignore the rude fucker

When my marriage broke up I worked. I didn’t want to lose my car. ( sounds crazy now) I worked Monday to Friday, then I got a bar job to make ends meet. My children suffered. They needed me at that time when their world had tilted on its axis but they found themselves with childminders and babysitters and an exhausted Mum.
I really really regret it. It was bloody John Majors fault with his stupid speech about single mothers being a scourge on society!

Fuck off the bully who sprouted this crap to you ....

Let them have a week of your life then see what they have to say.

You know what OP. Some people are just real shits. Really nasty shitty people who you would never associate with at any cost. And these same shitty people would say to you "take this shitty job" and then blame you for being in a shitty job saying you should've worked harder

This ^^

I've been on both ends. Comfortable enough to have sufficient money left after expenses - funnily enough, both me and the DH were in work at the time so I don't buy this 'I'd be better off on benefits' bollocks. Only people who have truly never been there will say stupid stuff like that. I've also been the rock bottom other end too where the gas and electric have a couple of quid on them in emergency and have a few quid to scrabble together enough meals for the kids until ive got paid JSA. That much so its been years since I've been on JSA and my kids favourite meal is still spaghetti on toast. (14p a tin from Asda). I've had comments off family and 'friends' both times. I either should have been at home raising the children, 'like wimmin should do' the same person then told me I shouldn't be on ESA 'as I looked well enough to them' . I'd had a nervous breakdown.

I know its easier said than done OP but try to ignore them, and in the nicest way, learn not to tell anyone anything financially related if you can help it. People will always judge make comments that are nothing to do with them.

You're doing an amazing job op, ignore the shits.

You are working. You are a carer. Ignore them and continue looking after your son and yourself. Xx

So it’s fine he has a go at you.... but not at your ex who should have been supporting the family - either by time or money.

It’s hard being a LP in ideal situations let alone with children who need extra care.

I assume your ex isn't helping with care? If it's just you on your own and your DS's health has deteriorated to this extent, no one with a shred of empathy is going to judge you for staying at home. Maybe if your DS's health improves significantly and/or your ex steps up to help you can reassess matters, but maybes really aren't your priority right now. You're doing an amazing job just keeping your ahead above water. Many wouldn't be able to cope as well as you in your position!