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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not take my dd to church

81 replies

muttmad · 05/02/2018 11:12

Inspired by another thread, i realised i have the opposite problem, since starting school, my daughter has been introduced to religion, its not a faith school but they do the daily act of worship thing and have learnt about god and Jesus etc, my DD has several times asked why we don't go to church and has asked for me to take her.... AIBU to not go? Im a non believer and look forward to a quiet day on a Sunday, lie in, spending time with the kids, walking the dogs etc i really don't want to be getting up early, dressing up and sitting in a cold church.
I know she should be able to make her own mind up about religion and I've resisted the temptation to tell her what i really think but should i suck it up and take her or just explain that mummy doesn't believe in that sort of thing and its a load of bollocks so i don't want to go!

OP posts:

Greatballs · 05/02/2018 11:39

No YANBU. Like the other thread, do what you think is best for your DC until they're old enough to decide for themself

campion · 05/02/2018 11:39

OP you end up doing lots of things you'd never thought about when you have children. My knowledge and experience of steam engines and football is pretty damned good these days!

Take her to a couple of family services. It's not about indoctrination and she...and you...may even find it a friendly and welcoming space.

Reanimated that is obviously your belief. Others may think differently. Who knows?

Talkingfrog · 05/02/2018 11:41

If she is 5, why not try a messy church first. They are often at the weekend and only once every one or two months.
They have a theme to the activities which are mainly craft based, followed by a short worship (aimed at the age of the children), and then some food. About 2 hours all together, but an adult will need to stay.

If you don't fancy a family service you could also look to see if there is a Sunday school or junior church, where you may be able to drop her off and pick her up later.

Different churches will have different approaches, which will alter the format of the service.

Trinity66 · 05/02/2018 11:42

She's only 5? No definitely wouldn't take her then, you taking her is validating the church and religion as being right to such a young and impressionable mind. At 5 kids believe everything that adults tell them, I think she's too young to make her mind up

Sirzy · 05/02/2018 11:43

I’m not sure that’s reasonable - if OP were a different faith and her daughter wanted to go to a Christian church as a result of teaching at school, I don’t think that would be suggested.*

I would. Although the Op should be honest with her children about her own beliefs this isn’t about her beliefs but the childs desire to investigate her own belief and as a parent as much as is reasonable we should help that imo.

Now chances are she will go a couple of times and realise that it’s boring but she may decide that is what is for her and both are perfectly acceptable.

BexConnor · 05/02/2018 11:44

If she really wants to go I would take her.

Please don't tell her it's a load of bollocks etc!! I know you were probably joking about that part but she needs to make her mind up for herself.

There may not be any need to get up early and dress up by the way, depending on what your local church is like. My local church does a 10am family service that is really quite informal, people just wear jeans and jumpers etc. No need to put on your Sunday best

corythatwas · 05/02/2018 11:44

Imo a sensible approach would be to be perfectly polite about it, to say "everybody has to make up their own mind about what they believe" without committing yourself to spending time hanging around churches. Just tell her "I will always respect your beliefs expect you to respect mine- and when you are old enough to go to church on your own, that will be absolutely fine". That is how my parents dealt with it. For the record, I did not grow out of it, I am still a practising Christian, but I am also someone with a great respect for the tactful and sensible way in which the whole issue was handled. It was important to me to learn that I was listened to and not ridiculed, but it was equally important to learn that respect gores both ways.

corythatwas · 05/02/2018 11:45

"goes", not "gores".

lurkingnotlurking · 05/02/2018 11:45

I had to deal with the delightful question: 'how did Jesus stay up on the cross?' from my 6yo. I'm not telling a young child about crucifixion and yet there it is - gory imagery. I have a worse term for it that I'm being too polite here to use. I refused to tell him - didn't think it suitable for a child. I don't tell him about murder and torture in any other context either.

Greatballs · 05/02/2018 11:46

FWIW my 5 year old has been learning about Mars in school. His teacher told him she'd been and now he's mithering us to take him... 😁
It'll probably wear off soon OP. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. If she's still interested when she's older she can go herself.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2018 11:46

It's perfectly reasonable to tell children religion is a load of bollocks. No less reasonable than telling them that one or other of the imaginary friends being peddled at school is real.

It's never too early to let them know that there are a variety of myth systems, that people believe all sorts of crap, but they don't have to take it seriously (as long as they are not directly rude to other people without good reason.)

CrazyExIngenue · 05/02/2018 11:47

YANBU, she's 5. DS is 6 and has started asking questions like what's "God", what's a "mosque" & "church", why do some people pray, etc. I've explained that some people believe in a magical being, and like to say nice things to it. Kind of like Santa Claus.

He seemed to understand that.

If she's still asking in a few years, you might have to make the effort to go.

Bringmewineandcake · 05/02/2018 11:47

Family service, messy church, Sunday school are all good options.
If she said she wanted to try ice skating/bowling/trampolining would you take her once to try it? You’re not going to be anointed with holy water and indoctrinated the minute you walk through the doors, I promise

Trinity66 · 05/02/2018 11:49

If she's still asking in a few years, you might have to make the effort to go.

Why would she if she thinks it's a load of bollocks?

VileyRose · 05/02/2018 11:51

I wouldn't.

You can have the sense of community from other things if so wish. Red tents etc are no faith.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 11:51

Also, just because a child wants to do something, it doesn't mean they should. Raise your child how you want to - don't allow the school to make this choice for you. It is perfectly okay for you to tell your child that ehat she is learning in school is a belief, not a proven fact and that you have different beliefs.
Schools are not educating properly if they present opinion as fact and as the parent, you have to add some balance.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2018 11:52

I think there's nothing like attending your typical C of E Sunday 10am service to put you off going to church as a child. If she's anything like my kids (just parroting something they've heard at school) I'd go once, they'd be bored stupid and that would be that.

JassyRadlett · 05/02/2018 11:54

Ah, ok. I’m not sure that many people would, but who knows?

My problem with that approach is that it further entrenches Christianity as the cultural norm - as a binary of Christianity/something else.

We live in a country where Christians have privileged access to a third of schools and have their religion promoted in many non-faith schools above other faiths and none; the playing field is already not level. Pressure on parents to take their kids to a religious service for a faith they don’t agree with is showing the effectiveness of proselytising in schools.

claraschu · 05/02/2018 11:55

YANBU. Everyone attempts to brainwash their kids in lots of ways. People don't have the attitude: I am a Labour supporter but I need to take my child to Young Conservative club once a month to get a balanced view; I am Catholic, but I go need to go to a Wiccan meeting with my kids, and also read them The God Delusion at an early age so they get a balanced view; I don't believe in Homeopathy, but every 4th illness I treat homoeopathically in order to get a balanced approach.

Maybe the world would be a better place if we all behaved more like this, but I have to admit that I attempt to teach my kids to be liberal, vegetarian, environmentally aware atheists.
What they do as they grow up is entirely up to them of course.

BexConnor · 05/02/2018 11:56

To my mind telling a child 'religion is a load of bollocks' is no better than forcing them in to a belief system.

I'm not saying belief is better than non-belief or vice versa. I'm just saying that people should be allowed to make up their own mind, in their own time.

If you don't want to go to church OP then don't go. But I wouldn't go telling a young child 'religion is rubbish' any more than I would tell them 'you must be religious!'

forceslover · 05/02/2018 11:56

No no no no no don’t do it.

Tringley · 05/02/2018 11:57

Of course you don't have to take her. However once she is old enough to take herself you shouldn't prevent her from going if she wants to. I guess on the other hand, I'm atheist but I have occasionally taken DS to church for family or friend events. He finds it to be a form of torture and would never go willingly.

Original poster

muttmad · 05/02/2018 11:58

Thanks so much, i think ill go with the ignore the situation for now, its not like shes pestering me all the time about it, shes probably asked about 4-5 times since she started school in September the last time being a couple of weeks ago so hopefully she wont ask again for a while!
I have broached the subject of there being several different religions so who's to know who's right and who's wrong to hopefully make her think a bit.

OP posts:

BustopherJones · 05/02/2018 11:59

I was going to suggest a carol service at Christmas, but you've already done that. I wouldn't do more.

PIL are very religious and we're not - she's not been baptised. We're happy to go along with them when we visit but our beliefs as atheists are just as important to us as those with a faith, so I wouldn't be taking a 5 year old to something I didn't believe in.

Silverstreaks · 05/02/2018 11:59

My DD became really interested in God and religion when she started school. Mainly because as a family we didn't talk about it as it is not part of our life.

She realised our local castle was actually a church and wanted to go. We went so she could understand what happened there and that was pretty much that. Curiosity satisfied.

Because it is novel at school it's bound to peak their interest but it will probably be fleeting.

My DD is in secondary school now and recently went to church after a sleepover. They made craft items and had a communal roast lunch. She enjoyed it but has no plans to repeat the experience.

Go with your child and their curiosity will be satisfied, if you don't she'll continue to wonder what you're keeping from her.

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