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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to not know how to approach the parents of a child bullied by my dc

72 replies

vespertillio · 05/02/2018 11:09

My dd (8) was part of a group of 5 that have been bullying another child by making up nasty rhymes and excluding them. The school let us know this was happening and our dd has written a letter of apology to the child and is aware of (and seems appalled at) her own behaviour and the probable impact of it on the other child. I'm shocked and ashamed and trying to make sure she is fully aware of some of the circumstances that led to her joining in and that she must be kind in future and she seems very contrite. I'm wondering if IWBU to approach the parents of the other child and apologise, or ask her to write to them as well. I guess I want them to know that we are working on trying to make sure their child will feel that our dd (and the others) are truly sorry and see if there's anything further we can do. One of my other dcs was bullied (physically and emotionally) in school but the bully's parents just blanked me from then on, there was no apology etc and I'm thinking it would have helped if they'd acknowledged what happened. So any tips/WWYD? Would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

vespertillio · 05/02/2018 14:45

PS thanks everyone for your kind words, I feel terrible to think I'm raising a child who is capable of being so nasty. Think I'll show the letter to my dd so she sees we're taking it very seriously and also so she sees that we expect her to do the right thing from now on...

OP posts:

Original poster

vespertillio · 05/02/2018 14:48

ForgivenessIsDivine thanks, and all too easy for me to empathise due to my dcs being badly bullied before. Never thought I'd be this end of it, but there we go.

OP posts:

minionsrule · 05/02/2018 14:50

I personally wouldn't say how your dd is being punished, that's a bit irrelevant, but you should say you are taking appropriate action.

Other than that I think the general gist of what has been said for the content of the email is fine.
I agree that if I were the wronged parent here I would really appreciate an email as usually you just hear that 'school have dealt with it' so you taking the time and effort to contact them should mean they know you are taking it seriously, as most people would not go that far.
Hope it is all resolved soon OP

GreenTulips · 05/02/2018 17:42

Well done.

I think this would mean the world to a lot of parents because so often they feel it can't be real and it isn't really happening to my child or indeed they just so how be responsible for being bullied.

You have shown them that their child isn't at fault and hopefully things will change

Jamiefraserskilt · 05/02/2018 17:56

Angels,, same thing happened to mine. Large group attacked him, one put his hands around his neck, started squeezing and had to be pulled off by another. The school did not tell me, I found out from my ds and then had a call from another parent whose child had witnessed it. The other parent told the school before I could get in and the following day, the deputy came out, told me what had happened, what punishment had been carried out and that she had spoken to the parents of the kids involved. I was hoping to speak to the main perpetrator's mum first.
The other parents never spoke a word to me from that day to this. Backs were turned, huddles were made and I was "excluded".
Nice.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2018 18:06

Good on you up. An email mail like that is great.

niccyb · 05/02/2018 18:33

If I was the parent of the child bullied, I would like the parents of the bully to let me know they were doing all they could. I think it’s a good idea

Original poster

vespertillio · 05/02/2018 19:24

Jamiefraserskilt shocking....I'm going to be embarrassed when I encounter this child's parents, but I'm glad I sent the letter now as it means I can say hi and ask how things are - otherwise I'd probably want to run away from them tbh! Meanwhile my dd is making a list of what she'll do in future to be a force for good in relation to other people, starts well but by number 9 she's going to - 'pick up anything they drop'

OP posts:

GeorgeTheHamster · 05/02/2018 22:47

That's a lovely letter. I'm sure it will be appreciated.

Original poster

vespertillio · 06/02/2018 07:06

Thanks everyone - received a very gracious and understanding response from the parents, I'm very grateful to you all for the help and encouragement!

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Recallclock · 06/02/2018 07:32

Well done OP.
I think that is a lovely letter and as a parent it would make it massively easier to know the other parent was approachable if something else should happen.

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 07:50

Well done you!

"I feel terrible to think I'm raising a child who is capable of being so nasty"

I think there's often more to bullying than this. Why did she do this? Does she need some psychological support in terms of standing up to peer pressure? Are there stressors in her life, things that are making her feel powerless? Are there activities that can help with self-esteem and control - martial arts for instance? It's good that she is being taught a strong lesson here (and important that she is being punished), but it might be good to investigate this a little too. I wouldn't necessarily show her the letter because it could exacerbate some of the problems - feeling that a parent is ashamed of you is a terrible thing for a child to go through.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 06/02/2018 07:58

Op, how lovely you sound. Make sure that your DC is aware that you have done this because it's setting such a good example. Children do tend to get pulled along by others and sometimes it means they pick up behaviour that is completely out of the ordinary for them. This is not a representation on your parenting!! 💌

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 06/02/2018 07:59

I've not read all the thread but I was approached by 3 of the parents (out of a gang of 7 kids) who were bullying my dd. I appreciated it. Any sane person knows these things can happen. I'm upset at the other 4 parents who didn't acknowledge the issue at all.

Original poster

vespertillio · 06/02/2018 23:57

whiskyowl
I think there's often more to bullying than this. Why did she do this? Does she need some psychological support in terms of standing up to peer pressure? Are there stressors in her life, things that are making her feel powerless? Are there activities that can help with self-esteem and control - martial arts for instance? It's good that she is being taught a strong lesson here (and important that she is being punished), but it might be good to investigate this a little too. I wouldn't necessarily show her the letter because it could exacerbate some of the problems - feeling that a parent is ashamed of you is a terrible thing for a child to go through.

Thanks for this. I haven't said I'm ashamed of her, I have told her I was shocked to hear she acted so unkindly. She's generally a very happy and sociable girl and keeps crying that she doesn't know why she joined in except the others were doing it. While we emphasised she needs to stand up for anyone who is being treated badly, I think you're right that the peer pressure element is something we might need to tackle more.

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whiskyowl · 07/02/2018 07:52

vespertillo - Oh I didn't mean that as a criticism of your parenting! Not at all - you have been so brilliant over this. I just meant that I think bullying can create all sorts of strange social dynamics in the bully-group, not just for the poor victim, and that these can sometimes point to a need for additional support. Sounds like you more than have this in hand already, though!

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/02/2018 08:02

Op you sound lovely and your dd sounds genuinely remorseful. I'm pleased that the girl's parents appreciated the letter from you - I know I would. You've taken all the right steps, so focus on putting this behind you both now. Your dd will have learned a very valuable lesson.

Original poster

vespertillio · 07/02/2018 11:52

whiskyowl - I didn't take any offence or think you were deeply questioning my parenting, I welcomed your advice to look deeper into it although for now I think the underlying cause for my dd was probably thoughtlessness and maybe the thrill of a collective power trip rather than major stress in her life. She is one of those kids that gets great energy from socialising and being with friends so I guess that's something to think about in terms of encouraging her to notice if the group has a positive dynamic. Anyway, she's grounded to have some time to think it through and once she's un-grounded I think I'll invite kids she doesn't currently play with over for tea so she's less caught up in a group.

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 07/02/2018 12:12

I'm glad I didn't upset you! Sounds like you have more than enough on at the moment . I'm sure you're right about your DD, and encouraging a wider friendship group has to be a useful response, particularly if she enjoys socialising.

Moviestar · 07/02/2018 12:23

Vespertillio.
My son was involved in an incident at school recently where other boys sent emails from his email on school computer.Obviously the very annoyed recipient of emails phoned me as parent and it all blew up.Luckily he was exonerated quickly. We decided not to make a complaint to the school on the express wishes of my son as he felt it was a spur of the moment prank and not malicious .However the mother of the boy phoned me personally to apologise profusely ,to reassure me they were mortified and very upset with their son ,punishment in the offing, and to thank us for not taking it further .
I can't tell you how much we appreciated that call and how it changed our whole view of incident.
So yes definitely reach out.It will mean a lot to the parents.

Original poster

vespertillio · 07/02/2018 13:40

Moviestar thanks, that was tough for your ds but I'm glad it sounds like it ended up ok, and also that the mother called you about it. (Thoughtful) communication and basic manners for everyone would seem to be the answer to most tricky situations!

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blueheel · 07/02/2018 13:46

As the bullied child's parent, I really appreciated it when they bully's parent came up to me to apologise. I had no idea who she was before that , and really respected the guts she must have had to come and speak with me. It's the right thing to do.

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