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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not know how to approach the parents of a child bullied by my dc

72 replies

vespertillio · 05/02/2018 11:09

My dd (8) was part of a group of 5 that have been bullying another child by making up nasty rhymes and excluding them. The school let us know this was happening and our dd has written a letter of apology to the child and is aware of (and seems appalled at) her own behaviour and the probable impact of it on the other child. I'm shocked and ashamed and trying to make sure she is fully aware of some of the circumstances that led to her joining in and that she must be kind in future and she seems very contrite. I'm wondering if IWBU to approach the parents of the other child and apologise, or ask her to write to them as well. I guess I want them to know that we are working on trying to make sure their child will feel that our dd (and the others) are truly sorry and see if there's anything further we can do. One of my other dcs was bullied (physically and emotionally) in school but the bully's parents just blanked me from then on, there was no apology etc and I'm thinking it would have helped if they'd acknowledged what happened. So any tips/WWYD? Would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/02/2018 12:28

You really are doing the right thing op.
It would have made a massive difference to me if the mother of my child's bully had at least been prepared to talk to me. Instead she tried to report me for 'scaring her son's as I'd had to shout at him in the playground to make him stop attacking my son.
I have reached a red line point now. My son was punched in the head recently and I've informed the school that one more incident and I'm pushing things further.
Can't help but think if the mum had been a reasonable person, all this could be avoided.

Doctordid · 05/02/2018 12:34

If you are emailing just put something simple like

Dear Other child's Mum

I am emailing you as I have been made aware that my dd has been part of a group who has been causing upset to your daughter though name calling and exclusion.

I am horrified to find out that my child is involved and I want to reassure you that I am taking this very seriously and will be dealing with my dd accordingly.

If there are anymore such issues which my daughter is involved in I have asked school to tell me immediately so I can ensure this behaviour stops immediately.

I can only apologise for my dds behaviour and hope that your dd is OK.

GreenTulips · 05/02/2018 12:41

Yep that's a good email!

I'd add - please keep me informed if your daughter is further upset by mine. Hopefully together we can make school a happier place for them both.

Punishment - your daughter my we'll be relieved as she's was caught up in something she couldn't get out of and new she can - she should also be warned of any future behaviour will result in X

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 12:44

Who are these people who think their children have to be in the right all the time! Gah!
Mumsnet hivemind - do you think the following is too much? Not enough? Just trying to get the tone right

Dear x,

I am the mother of x. We've become aware that she is part of a group that have been nasty to y. I want to let you know we're aware of what x has done, and that we are really sorry that she was involved in treating y so unkindly. She is very upset and sorry about her behaviour and the impact it might have had and has written an apology to y.

Our older child was treated badly by a group in their class a few years ago, and we remember the upset and hurt it caused to him and us.

x has promised to be kinder in future and to stand up for anyone who is being mistreated or excluded. I hope that the apologies from the other children will help y and you feel that the other children know they have done wrong and are sorry. We've asked the school to let us know if they see x be involved with any of this kind of behaviour again. We all hope y is ok, and offer sincere apologies.

Yrs, x's ma

OP posts:
Runningoutofusernames · 05/02/2018 12:46

Good on you! I think it will also help your DD, to show her how important this is.

Runningoutofusernames · 05/02/2018 12:46

Good on you! I think it will also help your DD, to show her how important this is.

ZanyMobster · 05/02/2018 12:55

I think that is perfect. I would have appreciated this massively re my DS2 instead the mum decided being rude to me and ignoring me was a better course of action.

GeorgeTheHamster · 05/02/2018 13:01

It's a really good first draft. You've said that she is upset, before you have said the she is sorry (and you haven't said why she is upset). You haven't said that you have/will punish her or what you have done about it. So it would make me think you had been persuaded by her upset to let her off scot free.

Spartacunt · 05/02/2018 13:05

It's really good - my advice to anyone on either side of this situation is to always go through the school rather than direct to the other parents. It's happened at school; the school should know what has happened and have a balanced view. It can go horribly wrong otherwise, even when intentions are good.

ArsewipesAreWet · 05/02/2018 13:07

Good for you.

There was a bully in DS's class. For 3 years the school, teacher and parents denied it all, until one very vocal mother insisted on a meeting with the head, governors and teacher. Loads of parents went so they couldn't ignore it any more. The parents still deny it all and the father actually squared up to other parents outside school. Whole family are like it.

As an aside, I suggest all kids watch the movie 'Wonder' I showed it to my kids and they know to be kind.

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 13:08

GeorgeTheHamster
it would make me think you had been persuaded by her upset to let her off scot free.
Yes, thanks that is a good point, I'm actually not sure how to punish her but will de-emphasise her upset.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 05/02/2018 13:44

Don't say that she is upset. Just that she is sorry and you are working with her to understand the hurt she has caused.

And leave out the bit about your older child being bullied. Maybe instead say that you understand the pain as a parent when your child is being bullied.

Is your DD willing to be friends with this child? Could you maybe add, if there is anything you and your DD can do to ease her time at school then perhaps you can meet to discuss it.

And after you send the note... I would approach her Dad. They will feel isolated in the playground and even if you don't become friends... you can break the ice.

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 13:51

ForgivenessIsDivine

Is your DD willing to be friends with this child? Could you maybe add, if there is anything you and your DD can do to ease her time at school then perhaps you can meet to discuss it.

I'm not sure - I've told my dd she needs to ask the other child if they'd like to join in if they're on their own from now on. They've never been friendly before, the other child was one of a group that laughed at my dd when she was being teased. (What my dd's group were involved with is more serious).

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 05/02/2018 13:53

I know this wouldn't work for my DD either.... and not fair on either party to force them together. . so leave that out then.

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 13:57

ForgivenessIsDivine
yes, it would seem a bit patronising to the other child to 'make' them be friends. I mean I've told my dd to be sure to include them if they're on their own. Part of what we talked about with my dd was mob mentality so might do no harm in general for the class if the groups were mixed up a bit

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 05/02/2018 14:13

Similar happened to me. My son ( 10at the time) was , with a group of other boys, playing a few practical jokes on another boy (X) and I found out about it by questioning my son after he told me a “funny story about X “which I didn’t think sounded very funny if you see what I mean. They were doing stupid things like hiding his stuff, splashing him with water , refusing to let him join in with games and then the thing I found out about which was taking his glasses and hiding them. I wasn’t impressed.

I messaged the Mum and asked her if X was ok because I had a feeling my son was maybe involved in some bullying of him and wanted to get the full story. I asked her if she wanted to chat and we met up and she told me that her son was really unhappy. She was very grateful and we were able, with the involvement all of the other parents ,to put a stop to it once and for all.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/02/2018 14:14

OP I think it is a very nice thing that you are considering.

My DS was bullied whilst at Primary school. There was one main protagonist and he would then rope in others to do his dirty work. The parents of the children who were roped in all apologised to me either in person/text etc.. The only people who never apologised were the parents of the main protagonist.

It was quite awkward when the other parents spoke to me, especially as some of them were friends, and I did the usual British thing by saying "don't worry, it's fine" (even though the behaviour of their child hadn't been) but I did appreciate what they did, as it could not have been easy for them.

Still feel bitter that the other parents didn't do anything, in particular they did nothing in respect of their child's behaviour.

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 14:24

AngelsWithSilverWings

That must have been a difficult conversation, well done. That's great you were alert to what your ds was saying - it took a phone call from the school for us to know what was going on, so I'm kicking myself for not really being aware. I emphasise kindness to my dd at least weekly, which is one of the reasons I was really taken aback. It does seem like group dynamics/mob mentality can make people (not just kids!) behave really badly, even when they 'know' they're doing wrong. No excuse I know...

This is what I've ended up writing:

Dear a and b,

We are the parents of x. The school told us that she is part of a group that were teasing y and excluded y during playtime. I want to let you know we're aware of what she has done, and that we are really sorry that she was involved in treating y so unkindly. We have spoken to x about it and and the impact it might have had, and she is very contrite. We've stopped her having playdates in the near future as a punishment and she has written an apology to y.

x has promised to be kinder in future, to be friendlier to y and to stand up for anyone who is being mistreated or excluded. I hope that the apologies from the other children will help y and you feel that they know they have done wrong and are sorry. We're aware from past experience of the upset and hurt that you and y might have experienced. If there's anything further we can do to help make amends and ensure everyone enjoys their time in school together please let us know

Yours, x's parents

OP posts:
BMW6 · 05/02/2018 14:31

Lovely letter OP, you are great parents and I wish that all bullies parents were like you.

TandemBanana · 05/02/2018 14:34

I think lots of people have been in your shoes - my DS has been bullied, but on at least one occasion he has been the bully. I think all most parents want to know is that the other parents are aware of the issue, are taking it seriously and putting in place steps to resolve it.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 05/02/2018 14:35

That’s a lovely letter.

You have to be alert at our primary school as unfortunately they have a “what happens in School stays in school” approach so you would only get told if something really really serious happened.

For context I was called in because a boy who had been bullying my son on and off for for 5 years pinned him up against a wall and attempted to strangle him. A teacher had to pull this child off of my son yet the school still didn’t think it bad enough to involved the boys parents! He never seemed to get punished.

The boy is now also at my sons secondary school and I heard last week that he was put in isolation for attacking someone with scissors! Thankfully he leaves my son alone these days but he clearly hasn’t stopped bullying.

SwarmOfCats · 05/02/2018 14:38

This is perfect OP.

One of my children was bullied at school - I would have massively appreciated this (as it is, the mother has just avoided me for over a year now). You’re handling this amazingly.

Mrsfs · 05/02/2018 14:39

I had to go to my daughter's school a few weeks ago about another girl bullying her. That same day, the mum of the girl who was bullying my daughter, came and spoke to me and I really appreciated it. She was devastated, I was devastated and she let me know how serious she took it and she apologised. She also checks in daily to ensure nothing else has happened. I don't blame the parents, bullying does happen and I judge on how it is dealt with after it has become known what was happening. She took responsibility for her child's actions, she put measures into place to ensure it does not happen again and I will admit, she gained my respect.

Original poster
vespertillio · 05/02/2018 14:42

AngelsWithSilverWings

That's terrible - five years! I think that as they're children and learning they need a moral/social education as well as an academic one but maybe I'm naive or too idealistic. I would much rather know what is going on. Our school is generally a bit blah about this sort of behaviour - my dd has been teased on and off by one particular boy and I asked the teacher to have a word, thinking she'd speak directly to the teaser and instead she told the class in general to be kind to everyone...I'm not a teacher but from experience as a parent I'd much rather the bullies are told to apologise directly and were helped come up with a solution to whatever is going on.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 05/02/2018 14:42

Perfect.. I am sure it will be appreciated by the parents. I think it is important for parents to take responsibility for the actions of their children and not to simply leave it to school... On behalf of all those who have been the parent of y, thank you.