To feel disappointed in life

[linda30]

I'm 32. I have a good job, a husband and 2 year old twins. We have a mortgage and we are comfortable. One could assume life is fine. Well, not exactly.

I'm living with a sense of pointlessnes - I wouldn't call it outright depression but it is just a lack of that "lust for life" I once had.

This started when after a string of failed relationships I decided to get on with my current partner on the basis of compatibility rather than just some less transparent criteria I employed before ('sparks flying' etc)

I had two exes prior to my husband that treated me horribly badly and I never got what I wanted from them in terms of security and stability. However even though I wasnt happy a lot of time I also had surges of great excitement and passion with them. I had that drive and desire to push for more. After the last ex rejected me brutally, even though I was convinced he was "the one" something has died inside me.

I feel like I gave up on the ideas that made my life "exciting" as they were ultimately making me desperately anxious and unsuccessful. I decided to put my - previously non existent - guard up high and only choose most logical and risk free routes in life.

I can tell that logically I made the best decisions I could partner and career wise, given my circumstances - but the logical way of life sadly gives me no excitement or sense of purpose.

I tried to shift the excìtement seeking from my relatioships to my career and have been considering different options - but still keeping in mind my non negotiables of a decent salary and job security.

I found something that would be a good investment of my time and money. I wanted to go back to uni full time but my partner doesn't support this since his mindset is all about acquiring new material possesions and just enjoying a normal existence. He doesn't get why I want to go back to school since I already have a good job and likes the idea of two incomes. If I want to put my foot down I worry it could cost me the supportive and secure relationship I came to enjoy and introduce resentment and conflict.

Motherhood has also not brought me the kind of joy I was hoping for. I love my babies but mostly I just feel a constant sense of duty to them and get a bit annoyed internally that they are growing so slowly.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable longing for some sort of excitement in life. Should I just accept that excitement = anxiety and trouble and that most people are just content with a good partner, okay job, two kids and a mortgage?

I know how you feel

@flock care to share? I am curious of other peoples experiences with this as it is slowly grinding me down. I feel like I'm already going through a mid life crisis :-/

It sounds like you have ‘settled’ with someone who you are not that into. Hopefully, for the sake of your children, you will adjust to this life, it may just still be in progress.

Do you have good friends with whom you can plan a fun weekend away? Would you want to do this with your partner?

Life’s what you make it.

I think you've maybe been a bit unrealistic. Motherhood is a SLOG. It has amazing points and can be very rewarding, but there is a lot of humdrum involved.

With regards to your partner, if you're not happy or find them boring then you shouldn't stay with them. You're just lying to them which isn't nice.

With regards to your career/want of further education; can you afford it? How would childcare work? What is the end goal? If you can make it work go and do it.

If you're scared of 'putting your foot down' and rocking the boat, then I'd suggest that you aren't being particularly truthful with your partner about who you are or what you want from life anyway and that you might be as well getting it over and done with rather than dragging out this current boring existence that you can't bear.

It's okay to long for excitement in life and new things and it's normal .it means you are not dead from within .First of all you can t compare with others .When you say that others might be just okay but I am not , you just can't compare life goals .You should set your path on what you VALUE in life .For some it's bringing up kids .family .for some it's career , for others it's travelling .Set your goals and move forward. LIFE IS SHORT MAKE THE MOST OF IT

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but what were you expecting? Long term settled relationships don’t have the ‘excitement’ of the chase. You know you’re onto a sure thing, so there’s no ‘will he? Won’t he?’ - you’ll get home each night, he’ll get home, you have dinner, talk, go to bed.
But while there’s no drama, there’s a lovely feeling of partnership. I look at my husband and I feel a rush of love. I respect him, I know he’s a kind person. I’d take that over dating any day!

@acquiesence I agree I wasn't as excited about getting with my DH as I was about my previous partners but I am glad I married him. I think I naturally gravitated to narciasists / hot n cold men before, my DH is actually better looking and more successful than them also more reliable - which stupidly might be what doesn't stimulate my excitement. My exes are still just dating / travelling etc taking on no adult like reaponsibility so I would have been just prolonging my suffering if I stayed with them. DH is wonderful really, I thank my lucky stars that I have him otherwise my life would have been completely pointless.

Yes - friends is another problem area. I became sorely disappointed with my adult friendships found them fickle and unsupportive. Right now I only really have acquaintances - people I'm friendly with and can grab a coffee with sometimes but that's it.

Expecting your partner to support you while you go back to uni full time is a big deal. How would you feel if your partner was the one who wanted to give up his job and wanted you to support him? I’m not saying don’t do it, but I think it’s a bit harsh to accuse your partner of being materialistic for having doubts about this. Could you compromise? What about studying part time, is that an option?

I think I understand partly where you are coming from. I love my DH, my DC and the life we have but there is no adventure, no spark. I often feel slightly trapped.
However, I am an impulsive and fairly irrational person. If I followed the path that gave me that sense of adventure I would be bankrupt and probably very mentally unstable. I need grounding.
I might not lead the most exciting life in the world but I am happy and have learnt to appreciate stability and the positive things that come with it.

Some people are never content and always looking for the next thing /person / possession to suddenly fulfil them. If this describes you I suggest you invest in some heavy therapy to work out what's going on with yourself because it's a miserable way to live.

@Coastalcommand I agree with you. Some people are already recommending I dump him but that's the last thing I'd want to do. I guess I thought there would be excitement coming from planning our lives together etc but turns out that just involves a bigger house and some holidays - and I just don't find that that exciting.

Maybe the problem is - while I was chasing unavailable men I let my career fall by the wayside. For the last 5 years I've been stuck in a job that pays well but has no stress, no respect and no expectations of measurable outcomes.

@thedcbrokemyback I think I can relate to what you say. I've got a very logical and analytical side to me but also very powerful impulses that I surrendered to for many years. I really was desperately unhappy with the exes and my life before DH and DCs. Thank you for sharing your POV. It's difficult for people like us - everywhere we hear about "following your gut" and doig things that excite you - but what if your gut is a moron and your excitement is misguided?

Should I just accept that excitement = anxiety and trouble and that most people are just content with a good partner, okay job, two kids and a mortgage?

No don’t just accept that. It doesn’t have to be true. Also a lot of people aren’t content and feel the same way you do. There’s a tendency to sleep walk into marriage and parenthood because it’s simply “what you do”.

The answer to this is different for everyone but stay alert, take note of what does excite you and consider the possibility that you may have taken a wrong turn.

Good luck.

I think what you are feeling is very normal when you have little kids. They are cute but even the best of them are tiring and hard work.

My DH and I have been together for decades but I found that we were a little flat when the kids were little. He was tired and I was tired and I didn't have enough me to go around.

It's not good to wish away the time but you might find things improve a lot as the kids get a little older.

@TryAgainAndAgain when did it become easier? We don't have any friends or family that can help with childcare so find it a bit of a slog also. We had DH mom over last November and could leave the kids with her. That was a really lovely time for us. Maybe not crazy exciting but I felt happy, serene and loved up.

I'm not sure what your after to be honest. Excitement in what way? To chase a be partner? Nights in the town? Travel?
What is it you want?

Why can't you use a babysitter to get out and spend time with your DH?

Namechanged for this...

I can totally relate to your post and have been giving my own, similar issues a lot of thought.

After years of dreadful men, insecurity and unnecessary drama, I finally got with a really stable man and generally have a good life. I have a decent job where I can work part time for a reasonable income. We have a nice home in a lovely area. Partner and I get on well; his family are amazing and they have all welcomed my two oldest children from a previous relationship with open arms. We also have a young child together who is absolutely adorable.

I just have this sinking feeling of disappointment, I keep thinking "is this it ?". I guess my life has a level of predictability and routine that part of me appreciates, but another part feels unsettled by it.

I wonder if it's because I used to spend so long daydreaming of having a perfect life, that this isn't quite what my rose tinted ideal was. I've totally lost my edge; I feel that I have transitioned into an adult who does the type of things that "normal" people do, and always takes the sensible option. I feel boring.

There are some fantastic replies on this thread, and lots of good advice here. I definitely need to start appreciating what I have a lot more.

I could have written your post even including the two ex's where sparks did fly....... I don't know if things will get better, it is more likely that you will get accustomed to what you have but there is always the feeling of it being, well just so bloody dull.

I'd say gets easier soon. Two year old twins must be all consuming.

Is it possible to get a babysitter. We were lucky that we could afford a babysitter once a week or every other week so we could go out and do something together. If evenings are tricky you could go out just for a few hours during the day on Saturday or Sunday. Go and play sport or go for a meal. Anything where you can talk and enjoy each other's company.

Sounds like a few of you have the modern disease.......chronic dissatisfaction.

You sound quite down to me, OP. I think only you can say whether you love your DH, which I would say is the crux of whether you can stay with him or not. Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate - 2 year old twins and a career is not easy. It will get easier.

Sorry I meant to add. Living somewhere where you have no support you can call on is very tough when you have young DC, I've been there and I felt trapped. Could you investigate the possibility of a babysitter?

Have you ever spoken to your DH about how you feel OP?