To feel disappointed in life

[linda30]

I'm 32. I have a good job, a husband and 2 year old twins. We have a mortgage and we are comfortable. One could assume life is fine. Well, not exactly.

I'm living with a sense of pointlessnes - I wouldn't call it outright depression but it is just a lack of that "lust for life" I once had.

This started when after a string of failed relationships I decided to get on with my current partner on the basis of compatibility rather than just some less transparent criteria I employed before ('sparks flying' etc)

I had two exes prior to my husband that treated me horribly badly and I never got what I wanted from them in terms of security and stability. However even though I wasnt happy a lot of time I also had surges of great excitement and passion with them. I had that drive and desire to push for more. After the last ex rejected me brutally, even though I was convinced he was "the one" something has died inside me.

I feel like I gave up on the ideas that made my life "exciting" as they were ultimately making me desperately anxious and unsuccessful. I decided to put my - previously non existent - guard up high and only choose most logical and risk free routes in life.

I can tell that logically I made the best decisions I could partner and career wise, given my circumstances - but the logical way of life sadly gives me no excitement or sense of purpose.

I tried to shift the excìtement seeking from my relatioships to my career and have been considering different options - but still keeping in mind my non negotiables of a decent salary and job security.

I found something that would be a good investment of my time and money. I wanted to go back to uni full time but my partner doesn't support this since his mindset is all about acquiring new material possesions and just enjoying a normal existence. He doesn't get why I want to go back to school since I already have a good job and likes the idea of two incomes. If I want to put my foot down I worry it could cost me the supportive and secure relationship I came to enjoy and introduce resentment and conflict.

Motherhood has also not brought me the kind of joy I was hoping for. I love my babies but mostly I just feel a constant sense of duty to them and get a bit annoyed internally that they are growing so slowly.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable longing for some sort of excitement in life. Should I just accept that excitement = anxiety and trouble and that most people are just content with a good partner, okay job, two kids and a mortgage?

@BillyBigBalls love the nickname btw! We are looking into it but never seem to have the time to call around, get interviewing. We have seen a couple of people so far and liked one girl she'd be available in March though... I guess that's a glimmer of hope.

Are you as supportive of others as you want them to be of you? Not asking in any arch way, it’s just the idea of ‘support’ comes through a lot,

Also have you read Madame Bovary by Flaubert? Recommended. I think she suffered from what you and I and many others do or have done.

@PeppersTheCat I worry he'd take it personally like he is not good enough - which is not the case. He is doing everything right and I think he is happy with me. He is himself prone to a bit of upset but attributes it to us having no family here. He is very family orientated. I feel there is something wrong with me and I should address it rather than burden him.

Don't despair. You are young. Your children are very young. You have many many years ahead of you to carve out the career and future you want. My career really took off when my youngest was 16 and now the children are independent adults I'm looking at early retirement and me and the H, who turned out to be a keeper despite some ups and downs over the years, have big plans.

There are ways of retraining whilst still working e.g. OU or other distance learning but I wouldn't do it while the children or so young. Too hard.

Temporarily, I think you just need more fun in your life. Get your sparks from female friendships or pursuing a hobby or interest not from bad boys.

@littlegecko Thank you for sharing. I am in a very similar position to you - especially the job situation sounds very familiar. I agree there are some excellent responses, very compassionate and helpful. I was expecting I'd be told I'm an idiot... Which I would have accepted since I often fill guilt at this emptiness and a sense of lack - considering there are very many people out there far less fortunate. Are you thinking of taking any action re: your career or life?

Well of course it is quite a slog bringing up small children and trying to balance work and home life. With that in mind it seems a rather challenging time to want to give it all up, go back to university and retrain. I cant quite figure out how that will re-fire the furnace of excitement that you crave. Won't it make life an even harder slog?

For me the secret of getting the most out of life is to get pleasure out of simple and small pleasures - seeing friends, noticing a tree lined with pink blossom trees, getting a weekend away here and there, a beach in winter or a long walk to a lovely pub.. Cinema, or theatre or whatever pleasures give you a little buzz. And just finding the ways to set up things to look forward to.

I should say though that you should be careful what you wish for and know in your heart what you really want. There are risks to leaving a good job to re-train - are you sure its the study and potential job you really want? Will you have to start again at the bottom and how will that feel re-building a career from scratch? Will you have the flexibility you need to do the things you want or need to do for your family? Can you afford it and will you enjoy life without some of the pleasures your salary facilitates?

And finally, be very very careful about how you value (or not) your relationship. When my DCs were small my ex H had an affair and in the end I kicked him out. It was the most devastatingly painful experience. Sure I've had a lot more adventures and excitement since then - I really have. But the scars and pain - they are real. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

What do you like to do for fun? (dating wild guys aside ) I can tell it's not material possessions or collecting of. Do you like high physical thrill activities (skiing, horse riding, sky diving etc?) Do you like partying? Dancing? Travelling? Try & work out what you like to do and see if and how you can incorporate that into your current life.

This is a stage, 1-3 year olds are a slog (cute though), at 4 they become a little more independent (getting dressed, toileting, communicating etc) and although I wouldn't say it was easier, it's less physical slog (maybe the same mental slog but at least not the carrying them and pushing around in buggy and helping with getting dressed and playing on the floor with them endlessly). The day will come where they can play a game between them and entertain each other really well.

You are only young, maybe you need to go out more (if that's your kind of thing). I dated not bad boys exactly but more wildcard unpredictable types in the past, and although fun, I would never ever want to go back to that. I've really had my fill of it. Couldn't stand the uncertainty and also I would worry that finding a partner who truly loves and accepts your DC as their own dad does... well it's hard. Once you have DCs the whole game changes. The grass is not always greener but once you're on the other side you can't always get to choose to move back again.

I think you would really benefit from some counselling to try and make sense of what you are looking for. Don’t give up on your relationship, it sounds like given the opportunity to spend time alone together you are meeting one anothers needs.
Some people find babyhood/toddlers really hard and boring. You might find motherhood more enjoyable once they’re a bit more independent. I know you haven’t even mentioned it but I would avoid having a third DC because it will be so much harder to pursue your own interests.

linda30 I did seriously think about leaving my job or retraining but realistically it would be a bad move. My pay, hours and holiday are good and I don't think I could match all three factors anywhere else. Plus it is comfortable there - I've been there a long time and know what I'm doing.
In regards to my partner and life at home, I'm just going with the flow. I have no intention of breaking up or leaving.

I did consider taking up some hobbies but then met the dilemma that I don't actually know what I like doing anymore. I think having some "me time" would help though.

Why don't you move to where your families are? Are they anywhere interesting?

Few things come to mind. Have you been checked for depression especially since having your babies? I'm wondering aboiut your friends as that sounds like depression where you feel let down by them all. Also with depression we are inclined to think if only....we would be fine. If only l had a different job. If only l vould go to college. And we blame others for blocking our happiness as we are convinced we know the answer. Your dh is not mean or cruel to query the college idea as he is perfectly entitled to have an opinion considering ye have dc and he would become the sole earner.
Remember the gap between reality and fantasy leads to depression. The reality is this is your life at the moment. Maybe try to accept it and let go the fantasy of a wild exciting life. Try and practice gratitude . I know its a buzzword at the moment and its a bit of a pain but in your case it could help. Look up ways to bring gratitude which leads to contentment into your life.
I thought taking up some mad sport might give you that adrenal rush. A competitive team sport or something out of the ordinary like boxing!! It would add an extra edge to your life and give you something of your own. Add some excitement that is safe but fun.

Lots of good advice here. I agree that you're right in the middle of the real slog of raising small children now. No wonder it seems like a grind. That will change.

I was expecting I'd be told I'm an idiot... Which I would have accepted

Why would you accept something so horrible? You’re entitled to your feelings. If they’re real to you then they matter.

Maybe have some therapy? It could be a good way of learning to like and accept yourself as you are.

If you can eventually do that it may be that the other stuff falls into place naturally.

That age, kids are so so hard. It will get a bit more fun as they get older. Prioritise going out with your dh and also take it in turns so that you get more "me time", maybe play some sport or do a class that interests you. I found my friends to be my crutch at that point in my life. Can you work on finding more friends?