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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this?

63 replies

Namechangeuser · 04/02/2018 20:22

Ok, I'll start with a disclaimer, I'm 7 months pregnant, and therefore may be being unreasonable, although I am genuinely quite upset and not sure if others would be too.

It's also regrettably a mil one.

Mil calls twice a week to speak to my 1 year old, she facetimes and DD is often not really aware what's going on, dh takes the calls so it's not something I'm really involved in and if he's happy to do it then it's fine by me

This evening she has called, and during her chat the conversation goes along the lines of:

Mil: oh I hear her saying mumma alot, have you deciphered what that means, or is it nothing?
Dh: well no she mean namechangeuser, she can also say bye bye.
Mil: oh right...well I'll decipher anything she says as Nana anyway.

It's really upset me. Me and mil are not close. I've known her for 11 years and she has never warmed to me, and treats me like a stranger most of the time.

She's never once asked me throughout my entire pregnancy if I'm doing ok. She never says anything about me doing a good job with DD, it's like I don't exist. DD started to sleep through the night recently and her response was "oh well don't hold your breath".

I don't have a close relationship with my own mum which mil is well aware of.

Aibu to be upset by her comments? It feels as though she has taken away or at the very least, completely diminished DD first word being mumma, and makes me feel so unimportant as a part of the family

I'm a stay at home mum, I live and breath for DD, I'm a good wife, iv never done anything that I know of to upset her. Why would you not say "oh mumma, how lovely" or something nice?

Aibu?

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 04/02/2018 21:40

Just tell her that when she starts saying 'nanna' you'll decipher it as 'vile old witch'.
11 years and she is still treating you like a stranger? I wouldn't even be trying to be pleasant or understanding towards her.

PositivelyPERF · 04/02/2018 21:45

I’d be so tempted to keep showing her a photo of the horrible woman and using her name. Would be terrible if the baby started calling ‘nanna’ By her first name, wouldn’t it? 😇

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/02/2018 21:53

If she tells you that children prefer their grandmother to their mother (mine did this) then say, "Yes, DH says that" and let it sink in.

emmyrose2000 · 04/02/2018 23:38

Mil: oh I hear her saying mumma alot, have you deciphered what that means, or is it nothing

She doesn't understand that 'mumma' means she's referring to her own mother? Hmm. Does MIL have a particularly low IQ as well as being a bitch?

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 05/02/2018 01:08

Disclaimer I have a son.

OP have you not realised yet that you did the most heartless and cruel thing known to motherkind by stealing her lovely, baby, boy away from her?

Sounds like a silly cow. Ignore and enjoy your kiddies, safe in the knowledge she is a long way away! Have a bath or a bar of chocolate when she calls instead of the torture of listening to her!

Burstingwithlife · 05/02/2018 01:43

Oh my goodness. Is your MIL my mother. They sound identical. So derogatory all the time and obtrusive yet the woman phones from Canada every couple of days. It used to really upset me but now I almost enjoy it. I know she’s like that out of jealousy. She can’t stand anything positive in my life so dismissed it all. She thrives on the negative. I now take great delight in going on and on about all the positives in our life. She hates it but it feels great! Should have done this years ago. X Give up on waiting for her approval on anything. You should live for yourself and your family. X

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/02/2018 04:05

My MIL did this. However children have a canny ability of putting them back in their box. I remember her playing a game of ball rolling with my son. Pass it to granny, pass it to anuntie, pass it to daddy. No mention of mummy at all. Son pipes up what about my mummy!! I was soooo proud of him that day!!!

Goawaydailymail · 05/02/2018 05:11

My mil did almost exactly the same with dc1. She was so narked with the first word being mummy that every babble my dc1 said she would say she is calling her nanna and would swoop and try and take her from me. I would give a tinkly laugh and would correct her every time and say it was babble and when dc1 actually said nanna we would make a big deal of it because it would be another new word.
Things with my mil have escalated and this was one of the few times that I nipped it in the bud. I should have done it more with other things. Someone recently told me that I matter as a person and as dc's mum/dhs wife and mil dismissing me and my opinions /place is not the behaviour which dc should have as an example. Keep an eye on this behaviour. She may offer to take dc1 to give you a break from dc2 but who knows what she would say to them . I'm sorry if that sounds paranoid, it's from my experience

Goawaydailymail · 05/02/2018 05:13

P. S. Love the suggestion by positivelyPERF , teaching dc mils first name.

Original poster
Namechangeuser · 05/02/2018 07:21

@sallyarmy1...that's what you have taken from my post? Completely ignored the actual issue without providing a constructive answer and andcused on the one comment that had you rtft I have readdressed as it's worded poorly.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeuser · 05/02/2018 07:29

Thank you everyone for your reassurance. I know I can get a little over sensitive whilst pregnant, so it nice to hear that my reaction isn't completely uncalled for.

I know from experience it isn't really worth bringing up so I'm going to just move on from it, it can just be really hard sometimes when you are made to feel so unimportant, especially when it has anything to do with my daughter.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/02/2018 07:35

She's jealous.....
Just ignore her and don't be waiting or expecting praise from her for anything.

RadioGaGoo · 05/02/2018 07:40

Urgh Sallyarmy1. You sound like a difficult, judgemental MIL. Your poor DIL.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/02/2018 07:58

What strikes me is why do you need her to acknowledge your importance? Why do you feel so insecure when she makes a frankly silly comment that reflects more her wishful thinking than anything else? Your dd is your daughter. You know how important you are to her. Why do you feel threatened? Unless there's a lot more to this, being 'really upset' is a considerable overreaction and your need to be praised up and focused on by her is a little odd, tbh. Your relationship with her would probably be better if you could see her differently, stop wanting things from her that she is not going to give, and not nurture this need. Unfortunately, some of the positively vitriolic responses on here aren't going to be particularly helpful in that regard.

Either this is the tip of the iceberg and she is actively hostile and threatening, in which case you have my every sympathy and you and dh need to create robust boundaries, or there is really nothing more to it, in which case it would be worth asking yourself the questions I have asked above so you can get to a place where her silliness doesn't bother you and you can accept the (fairly natural IMO) fact that she is more interested in her ds and gc than in you (I am sure very few of you would expect your own mothers to fuss around your dhs, instead considering it entirely natural that she is closest to you and your dc).

PoorYorick · 05/02/2018 08:05

I don't understand the problem.

Original poster
Namechangeuser · 05/02/2018 08:16

@anelderlylady it most definitely is the tip of the iceberg. Mil has known me for 11 years and has diminished pretty much everything I have ever done, including setting up my own business that employs 4 full time members of staff. She treats it like a joke that is on the brink of failure which couldn't be further from the truth.

Pretty much every encounter with her is accompanied by comments such as that in my op and it's very upsetting.

If it's natural for a Dil, who is the mother of her grandchildren to be treated like a second class citizen, and this is something that all Dil should expect, then this is news to me. I am human and not just a Dil after all. But I'm the same breath if you would also expect that the same Dil needs to respect mil in the same way she does her own mother (this is not the case for me as I don't have a relationship with mine, but the majority do), then this is a huge double standard. And in that regard if my dd were to spend more time with my mother than her (again hypothetical) I guess you would also expect mil just to suck that up and take it, right?

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/02/2018 08:18

OP, I'm just rather astonished that, as the successful, competent woman you sound like, she can affect you so much. Are there issues with dh over her?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/02/2018 08:19

(I say all this, btw, as someone who has no relationship with her own mother and is not close at all to her MIL (but with no hostility) just in case you think I'm posting from some position of idealised happy harmony)

Dazedandconfuzzled · 05/02/2018 08:20

I get it. It is a stupid comment but it is the tip of the iceberg. My mil is like this, she thinks everything should revolve around her, doesn't really like me, can be quite rude but when pulled up on it it's a joke. I refuse to engage anymore, it's the best way for your sanity. My dd is three and I she never asks how I am when she calls, I'm pregnant again, had terrible HG and all she's asked for the last 4 months is if the baby is ok, it does make you feel like an incubator rather than a person. I say work on ignoring, water off a ducks back etc.

Original poster
Namechangeuser · 05/02/2018 08:23

@anelderly dh is completely in agreement that I am not treated fairly by mil, but like most dh, he unfortunately would never address it directly.

I think no matter what our successes or accomplishments, when it comes to our children and being a mother, feeling diminished will always sting. Maybe that's just me.

OP posts:
Burstingwithlife · 05/02/2018 08:24

It’s not about what her MIL does, it’s about how she does it. It’s also obviously one of many indicators that MIL is competing with dil and feels the need to bring this competition into absolutely everything. Op does not lack security, it’s more frustration and upset as to why she’s the brunt of such behaviour when all she is going is her best and focusing on her husband and family. It’s. So a tricky one to handle as confrontation would come across as though op is a nutter and MIL would profess her innocence.
In my case my mother is the old bag and my MIL couldn’t be more lovely. She makes huge effort not to step in toes or anything. She’s thoughtful and fair. I have four brothers and I feel so sorry for my sil x 4 having my mother as a MIL. At least I can tell her to bugger off at peak times. Sil x 4 run the risk of feeling guilty about ‘ruining relationship between mother and son’
Take it from me, these old bags have a nack of being bitchy in the most delightful way.........

sixteenapples · 05/02/2018 08:26

A She was talking to her son
B She appeared to have been joking
C no-one has ever said what a good job I am doing with my kids - except once - a good friend said I should be proud of my teen DD and had done a good job. No-one else ever. Why should they?
D have you told her what a good job she did raising a lovely son?

Over sensitive and looking for a problem. If you don't get on, you don't get on but your DP clearly wants to continue the relationship and wants his child to have a relationship with granny.

MyOtherProfile · 05/02/2018 08:30

I think you need to develop broad shoulders. Something funny happens to some women when they become grandmothers. My own mum always used to comment on anythint my dc did well by saying "of course they did well, they're MY grandchildren!".
It just says more about rhem and their insecurities and need to be noticed than it does about you. Don't expect her to notice what you do. I'm not sure many grandparents make comments on how well the mum is doing, do they?

Burstingwithlife · 05/02/2018 08:32

Maybe he doesn’t need to address it directly. Plan before a visit how you both could respond when certain things are said by her. Make sure it’s a joint united response and done in an equally innocent way. If MIL leaves you out then dh can step in and tuck next to you saying something like ‘ Mum have I told you how amazing my wife is and how well she takes care of us. Dc can say mumma now. I keep pretending it’s dada as I’m jealous ha ha but deservedly so dc first word is mumma! ‘ xx
This should put an end to it without you causing any offence. Dh would be supporting you. If MIL is innocent then she’d only be pleased for you both. But if she’s being a troll bag then it politely shows a united front. Xx

BashStreetKid · 05/02/2018 08:33

Don't let this silly woman diminish anything. You and your DH know what DD is saying, the fact that MiL, with zero evidence, says something else doesn't change the facts.

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