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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we used to enjoy choosing a gift for someone/baby showers

32 replies

reluctantjogger · 04/02/2018 15:08

A good friend is pregnant and is already planning the baby shower. People have different opinions on baby showers, and whilst I do think they're a bit of a commercialised US nonsense import, I am of course glad to see the girls for an afternoon so always happy to go along and coo about stuff. I would also generally take a small gift, although as a slightly superstitious type I often buy a gift for Mum and then a gift for baby after delivery.
However, she told me yesterday that on her to do list is to get the gift list ready so she can 'make sure people get the right things for baby' - I managed to keep my mouth shut but honestly thought it was so rude! I would enjoy getting baby a gift because I'm happy for them and their friend, but part of the pleasure for me in giving gifts is the choosing/the not being expected to! Am I being old fashioned and unreasonable?

OP posts:

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 04/02/2018 15:10

Yanbu.

Isn’t it meant to be a surprise for the mum, arranged by her friends?

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 15:13

I didn't do a list for my baby shower (many moons ago) but I can see why some would. Friends will buy gifts anyway, so it 's a guide for them, and it saves the mum ending up with lots of unsuitable things that she will need to return or will have to bin.

gamerpigeon · 04/02/2018 15:24

I was made to do a list by the person organising my baby shower, then everyone ignored it anyway!

I ended up returning most of the clothes that were bought for store credit because they were totally not my style at all.

So it's a tough one, I can see both sides. I don't think she is being rude though.

Snowysky20009 · 04/02/2018 15:28

I ended up with duplicates and things that I wouldn't and didn't use. A list is the way to go.

barefoofdoctor · 04/02/2018 15:40

That's just how it is now OP people expect to be able to micro manage everything, even gifts given by others. Foul in my opinion CF territory for certain. Thankfully I don't socialise with any CFs.

Yura · 04/02/2018 15:56

Other 2 kids we ended up with 16 baby blankets, 12 hooded towels and uncounted pacifiers. not a single one were ever used (i prefer big muslins to polyester fleece, like big towels, and none of them accept pacifiers). a list makes so much sense!

Yura · 04/02/2018 15:58

and approximately 80 bibs (yes, 80). lovely ideas, but most (except about 20 bibs) went unopened to the charity shop.

londonrach · 04/02/2018 15:59

I will never ever ever buy a present for a baby shower as the times i bought presents prior to birth the babies were still born. Nope presents after birth.

Exiguous · 04/02/2018 16:03

I had my first baby 16 years ago and I got so many presents I didn't need. I got three of the same 0-3 months Gap baby dress. I hate to be ungrateful, but I returned most of them.

I'd much rather have a list to choose from when buying someone a baby gift now.

Yura · 04/02/2018 16:03

@londonrach that too. i come from a culture where it is really mean to give a gift before birth (it basically means that this will be your last chance to enjoy it as the baby will be stillborn)

Lovesagin · 04/02/2018 16:03

A gift list for a baby shower?!

Some people really do have brass bollocks don't they?

I always ignore gift lists and twee "we've had successful sex, now give us your cheques" poems and buy what I want the person to have.

Kitsharrington · 04/02/2018 16:03

There’s a difference between having a gift list ready for those that ask what you would like/what you need, and expecting all guests to buy only from a gift list. It is tacky to mention gifts on invitations at all.

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 16:04

buy what I want the person to have.
Ah the spirit of giving is not dead

cherryontopp · 04/02/2018 16:04

YANBU, thats definitely CF territory.

I did a list with my parents and DPS parents, as they said they wanted to buy big things like cot, moses basket.

If i was you, I would say rather than say making a list and giving each person a particular present to pay for (it could more or less money they wanted to spend on a gift!), you can always ask peoole for gifr vouchers for mothercare, NEXT, boots so then they can spend what they want and nothing is duplicated.

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 16:05

Baby showers are usually organised by a friend or a family member, so the gift list will come from them anyway - even if it has been written by the mother to be.

Lovesagin · 04/02/2018 16:06

Tarra, is that not what giving is about? Gifting something you'd like the person to have? I've never bought something I've thought "oh that's really shit, I hate it, they will hate it, I don't want them to have this", have you?

RubyBoots7 · 04/02/2018 16:08

I do think it's cheeky to expect a present from friends and family. I don't think it's cheeky to do a list of things you would like for your baby - and then if people do want to buy you a present, they have the list as a guide. So I do think you are being unreasonable in thinking a list is rude.

To me it's the same as people doing a wedding list. Most people will buy off the list, some will do money/vouchers, some will get something different they chose. Some people won't buy a present at all.
All valid options. But you don't want ten toasters do you? Or a bright green toaster if you have all white appliances. Or to end up not having a toaster at all because you thought someone was getting you one, so you didn't get one and now you can't leave the house to buy one.

I think if you end up with stuff you don't want it's a bit wasteful and not good for the environment as well.

FilledSoda · 04/02/2018 16:10

I wouldn't dream of buying a gift for a baby that hasn't been born.
Am I old fashioned now?
Baby showers are an American import and when done correctly are hosted by a friend of the expectant mother and certainly not with gift lists .

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/02/2018 16:13

Yanbu
So much wrong about this. A baby shower (if you must) is for a friend or sister to organise, not the mother to be. Expecting a gift is tacky as are gift lists. I too feel uncomfortable buying for babies before their arrival, including my own. I also hate the lack of gratitude for presents that are given with thought but are not to your taste. I understand but the baby doesn't know, I can't stand seeing babies dolled up as fashion accessories.i'm old though.

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 16:24

Lovesagin
I disagree, I give gifts that I believe the recipient will like, not something I want them to have. it's not about me, it's about them.

I don't understand people who buy things out of list. You have been given a choice of item that someone likes or needs, why would you be spiteful and give something else? To mock their taste? To make a point on what you believe is more suitable? I don't understand this attitude.

toomuchtooold · 04/02/2018 16:30

I don't know, I think it's a good idea really. I had twins after recurrent miscarriage and IVF so like everybody got us stuff but it was mostly cute little outfits for newborn/0-3 size. I had more clothes than they could have got through in those early days if I'd been putting a new outfit on them each day, and I was anyway too knackered and busy (and they were too small and fragile) to be putting fussy clothes on them. And then when they were about 6 weeks (and hardly sleeping at all) my work sent me this massive bunch of flowers and I just looked at it, this thing that I'd have to find a vase and water for and then unwrap and feed and then watch them.slowly rot until I could put them.in the bin in a week and I thought fuck it and just stuck them straight in the wheelie bin. They must have been about 50 quid. I'd asked at my maternity leaving for them to do a collection for Tommy's instead of a present, I really wish they'd done the same with the cash for the flowers. Or gave us a voucher for a takeaway or something.

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 16:35

I kept all my kids in babygros for at least 6 months. Babies outfits were a nice present, but I don't think they were ever used.

Bluelady · 04/02/2018 16:41

I wait until the baby's born then buy an outfit in size 3 - 6 months- and hand a gift receipt with it.

Yura · 04/02/2018 17:08

Baby gifts are i think one of the few occasions where gift lusts make a lot of sense. Some people like skinny jeans in 0-3 months, some don't. Some need hooded towels, some don't. it is really quite horrendous to bring big bags of stuff to the charity shop (or in the bin - flowers, nappies if you use cloth, personalised items) and the go to buy other stuff you actually need (loads if baby stuff can't be exchanged even if people provide a recipt!).

Lovesagin · 04/02/2018 17:20

Tarra, you are misunderstanding me, if it's something I want them to have, it's something I know they will like or use, which is why I want them to have it.

I ignore lists because it makes it obvious how much, or little, has been spent. And let's face it, there's never anything for a very, very modest budget on a gift list.

I'm like others, never buy for baby before baby is born. For gifts I suss out what brand of various products they are using, and put a 'care package' together with a few treats for mum. It will always be appreciated ( so doesn't matter that Ive gone off list, not that I have ever been to a baby shower with one), and I don't feel pressured to spend more than I can afford. Win win and what gifting, giving and receiving, used to be about as op says.

I ignore wedding lists or requests for money because if it's a close friend I'd already know what they wanted or needed. If it's not a close friend they get a nice bottle of something, because again, its all I can afford.

Gifts lists and money requests are very awkward for people with limited funds, imo. And yes, I think they are extremely bad manners, the only acceptable gift list is in a letter to santa!

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