To think its really unfair to leave all the care to one family member

[user1485342611]

A friend of mine is absolutely exhausted because she's working full time and also doing an awful lot of running around for her elderly mother. She has a sister and a brother living nearby, but they seem to assume that my friend will do everything -maybe because she doesn't have children. She's had conversations with them where they've promised to 'try and be a bit more available' but have continued to leave the bulk of care to my friend.

I've seen this so many times - one person in a family doing 90% of the heavy lifting while other siblings/nieces and nephews/grandchildren breeze in now and again with a box of chocolates - and there's always an excuse: they've a busy job and Mary's a SAHM, they have young kids and Mary doesn't, etc etc

AIBU to think it's really unfair and shitty of family members to abdicate responsibility for an ill or elderly family member and leave it all to one person?

Looking after elderly parents can be very challenging. We had this with my Dad in the year before he died. It is a huge strain on the most functional of families and guaranteed to shine a spotlight on any difficult relationships.

User, could you friend look into carers coming in and suggest sharing the costs with her siblings? This is where we ended up, as we simply couldn't manage otherwise. There are loads of care agencies and most of them are good. They can send someone in for relatively short periods of time, to help with bedtime, cooking etc - so it doesn't have to break the bank and just gives a bit of piece of mind on days that you can't get there.

Your friend has to find a way of not shouldering all the burden, as she will become exhausted and resentful.

You’re so right OP, I’ve seen this dynamic over and over again.

And definitely a gender issue IMO. Women end up doing far more unpaid elder care than men.

Here's my suggestion.
Your friend announces that they are going to have a family meeting with her mum about her money. This will get them out of the woodwork thinking inheritance.

Begin meeting by discussing Power of Attorney. Problems with age always get worse not better so future planning is sensible. This will be where the finance is involved in terms of managing it if the mother becomes incapable. This can happen very quickly - handwriting deteriorating to extent of signatures being illegible, not being able to leave house to get cash, forgetting how to use technology such as computers and mobile phones. I speak from experience. Power of Attorney is very straightforward to do, can be done online, no need for a solicitor, costs about £75 (www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power). Can be done for finances alone or for finances and medical decisions.

Next have a list of all the jobs she does or that need to be done for her mum each week with time commitment involved next to it so everyone can see how much is currently being left to your friend to do. Write NAME column for everyone to fill in, each according to their ability, your friend included.
DO NOT thank anyone for offering to help - they will then feel they are doing a favour rather than a fair share and be willing to drop out of their commitment again.

Also tell your friend, do not feel guilty about not doing enough. Live her own life too. The mother is lucky to have someone to do at least some of the care for her compared with many who are family-less or far from family or dumped in care.

I live a 10 hour plane ride away from my family because my DW is from a different country and cares for her own parents. Several pp have mentioned selfish “abroad” siblings as though they are on a perpetual gap year jolly around the world and can’t be bothered coming home for a sick relative. Plenty of people aren’t able to return to their country of origin for a lot of reasons: money, children in the new country etc. And yes it feels shit especially when you just want to pop in for a cuppa but sadly that’s not always possible.

Not quite the same, but my DH does all of my personal care. Adult Services will not provide any help when he is available to do it. It's messed up his mental health and it's crap for me too, but apparently it saves money.

Should he (perfectly reasonably) decide its too much and leave, AS would have to do all of it.

Yes, that does sound hard. I know of a few cases where it is more or less just one person doing the caring and the rest of the family then go nuts whenever some sort of residential home / professional carers are mentioned. They don't do the caring so they can't see why that would be needed.

She's choosing to do it though. If either of my parents need care when they're older I would be glad to do it, I work in care anyway. I know my sisters wouldn't be very involved because they're not really like that, we're just different people and you can't resent people for making different choices.

However, my parents would never expect any of us to care for them. My mum has already said she would want carers or to go into a home if she couldn't take care of herself. I wouldn't want my son to care for me.

My grandparents have downsized to a warden controlled flat which they can use mobility scooters to get to the shops in 5 minutes. They use the internet for shopping too and organise everything for themselves. They don't need care at the moment but would sort it for themselves if they can. They have made getting older so much easier for themselves than many people.

RedForFilth, sometimes it isn't so cut and dry though. My Mum really wanted to care for Dad at home whilst he was dying. She was desperate to do this for him, as the way she saw it, he had taken care of her all their married life. So we were facilitating this happen for Mum, rather than particularly wanting to do it for ourselves or Dad wanting us to do it.

It is also easy to say go into a home, but if you have more than £28k of savings, they are bastarding expensive. It was cheaper for us to fill the gaps with agency carers than it was to put Dad in a home.

They need family mediation

Not unless they want it. some people don't want to look after their elderly parents, and they don't have to. It's as simple as that.

MargoLovebutter I know that was just saying people make different choices. Obviously life takes decisions out of our hands sometimes. But I do believe in taking responsibility for yourself if possible.

Carers, online shopping, power of attorney etc is all great if the elderly relative wants the help. There is a really difficult stage when they are struggling to manage, probably early dementia but nothing easily diagnosable where they have consent - and lets face it they should have - and if they insist they want to stay at home (even though its falling down around them) or they don't want carers or nurses etc in their house then thats what you have to do. Just because you become old and needing of help you don't lose all right to make decisions over your own life even if they are probably bad ones.

My family are in this place at the moment. I dare say a lot of people are thinking what a selfish individual I am because my sister (who lives in the same street as our parents) does all the caring and running around. This is her choice, she will not countenance outside help from carers or respite care despite the fact that both parents are in need of daily care.

I admire her absolutely for what she does as she is not in good health herself and has her own share of problems with her own immediate family.

BUT - she did not have the same childhood that I had. my relationship with my parents is surface only and my own fragile mental health is due to my upbringing and lack of support from them. I am not in good health myself and I positively will not be scarificing what life I have left to caring for people who cared little for the pain and suffering they have caused me.

I have no idea how much money my parents will leave, but whatever it is my sister is welcome to the lot.

Those of you who are so judgemental obviously have parents who loved you, looked after you and made you feel safe....that is not the case for everyone.

Every family's set-up varies. Though there is a lot more expectation that women will uncomplainingly take on all the shitwork, because that's what women are for (the whole big conjob of 'care in the community' was always a euphemism for 'yet more unpaid work to be performed by women.)

Sometimes, the siblings who do not help are the ones dealing with young children, or whose DC have some form of SN. Some people have to work very long hours just to keep the rent paid and themselves fed. It's often better for older people to go into some sort of nice care home where they have company and support anyway. But the care industry is understaffed and underpaid and mainly employs wo... oh well that explains that bit, doesn't it?

My brother and his wife do most of the care for my mother - they are the only ones who live close by. What can we do? 3 of us have to catch a plane to get home. It's also hard because my mother was very hands off, valued her work more than her kids - lived for her work in fact! I don't really feel I owe her anything - my brother on the other hand, has taken this all on board with out a moan and his wife is amazing putting up with my mother. It's all very complicated looking after a parent who when you feel their care of you as a child was wanting.

My dad is 78 and diabetic, so he has lots of dr and hospital appointments especially for his eyes. My sister lives around 10 doors up the road from him, doesn't have a family and lives alone. I'm 7 miles away, look after my own DDs and grandchildren, and have to do absolutely everything for him - while she's out taking food round the homeless people and trying to enlighten them about God.
It's the main reason we are NC. It's unfair, but sadly something I can't change and I try my utmost to let it wash over me.

JaneEyre70
Maybe there are things in the past between your parents and sister that you are unaware of?

So my parents should have got their crystal ball out and foreseen that they'd live to be 99 and 97 and my mum would get dementia. Just to save me a bit of trouble. Despite it being incredibly hard work, I don't regret a moment of it. It meant that when they reached the end of their long lives I didn't have guilt added to my grief.