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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its really unfair to leave all the care to one family member

67 replies

user1485342611 · 04/02/2018 14:55

A friend of mine is absolutely exhausted because she's working full time and also doing an awful lot of running around for her elderly mother. She has a sister and a brother living nearby, but they seem to assume that my friend will do everything -maybe because she doesn't have children. She's had conversations with them where they've promised to 'try and be a bit more available' but have continued to leave the bulk of care to my friend.

I've seen this so many times - one person in a family doing 90% of the heavy lifting while other siblings/nieces and nephews/grandchildren breeze in now and again with a box of chocolates - and there's always an excuse: they've a busy job and Mary's a SAHM, they have young kids and Mary doesn't, etc etc

AIBU to think it's really unfair and shitty of family members to abdicate responsibility for an ill or elderly family member and leave it all to one person?

OP posts:

shakeyourcaboose · 07/02/2018 20:39

How 'elderly' is she though, and how incapacitated that she cannot regain her independence in these tasks? Does she absolutely NEED someone to assist her or is this a choices decisions from her and daughter?

ChickenPaws · 07/02/2018 20:46

I would like to see elderly people take more responsibility for their care and organise people to help them. I think it’s unfair to expect family member/s to run themselves ragged whilst they have to work or have children to care for.

Elderly people aren’t children and, even if they’re disabled, should put things in place when they’re younger so that they’ll be able to cope when they become frail. How many times do you hear people say that their parents won’t allow anyone into the house to do their care and instead insist it’s their daughter or son who does it? Elderly people refusing to downsize from the family home they can’t possibly remain in? Refusing to learn to order food online?

I know getting older is tough, but there is no way I’d expect my dcs to look after me. They have their own lives.

Dh looked after his mother for over ten years and it was very tough going. She didn’t take any responsibility for herself or make any decisions, it was all left to dh. She went into fragile child mode and that was it

Obviously if someone has dementia or are in extreme circumstances then they’d need help, but ordinarily older folk need to make more effort. People are living longer now and it’s going to become the norm that family members will be looking after their parents for around the same length of time they’ve spent raising their own children. Now that’s going to be tough for anyone. I’m glad I don’t have parents as I wouldn’t be up to it and wouldn’t want to do it anyway.

Thingywhatsit · 07/02/2018 20:54

Op- YANBU, definitely not so. Unfortunately it is common and I have seen it in my own family and that of many other families through my old job.

I have reduced contact with some of my wider family now due to this - as I can't forgive some of their actions as they weren't down to circumstances - purely down to greed and selfishness.

jarhead123 · 07/02/2018 21:05

I fully agree with you.

I was juggling a PT job, kids and more & more care for my grandmother. She was needing daily medication prompts, help with laundry, taking shopping, financial help etc.

My family work FT and tbh they just aren't that thoughtful.

She was diagnosed with dementia last year and I gave up work to become her carer. So much easier now she is my focus.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2018 21:07

Elderly people aren’t children and, even if they’re disabled, should put things in place when they’re younger so that they’ll be able to cope when they become frail.

I assume you've done that?

ChickenPaws · 07/02/2018 21:13

Done what?

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 07/02/2018 21:18

Elderly people aren’t children and, even if they’re disabled, should put things in place when they’re younger so that they’ll be able to cope when they become frail
Because of course we all know years in advance exactly what illnesses/disabilities we'll develop and just what help and support we'll need in ten or more years time..?

ChickenPaws · 07/02/2018 21:20

No, just sensible things like downsizing, learning how to shop online, how to find carers or perhaps a cleaner or gardener.

CluedoAddict · 07/02/2018 21:24

I truly understand you. We are in this position. It is exhausting but I couldn't live with myself if I was like them. Some people are just selfish.

Blessyourheart · 07/02/2018 21:28

It's unfair for siblings to absolve themselves if responsibility and leave support to one person.

It may not be obvious that a family is dysfunctional. I have no intention of helping my parents and don't want any inheritance.

They aren't elderly but think their age means we should all support them, regardless of our own responsibilities. The bulk of this "care" falls to one of my sisters - NOT the favourite which is very unfair. The only things I do are to support my sister. I think she should leave them and my other sister to it.

My aunt recently got in touch with my sister to ask her to go around to see DM because she was ill. Turned out she had a cold and wanted some company (DF had retired early and was there btw). My point is, the relationship dynamics aren't always obvious.

In my situation, big shrug, judge away.

ChickenPaws · 07/02/2018 21:29

Getting the chemist to put medications up into popper packs for ease of use.

Making an advance directive to determine what medical care they want/don’t want.

Moving to a retirement flat/complex.

Making sure they can physically manage to get into the bath or have a shower fitted if they start to struggle with arthritis.

Instead of refusing to adapt and continuing as usual until you fall over and break something then expecting family members to drop everything and sort it all out.

speakout · 07/02/2018 21:34

On the bright side OP your friend may get the inheritance.

ohfortuna · 07/02/2018 21:39

In days gone by it tended to be the case that numbers of elderly people needing help were smaller and there was a larger amount of young people who were able to help
These days the shape of the population is changing, we have increasing numbers of elderly people and smaller numbers of younger people who are able to help be that in paid or unpaid caring roles

It will increasingly be the case that there just aren't enough young people to look after all the old people

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/02/2018 21:40

Farming family out - the elderly and children - is very much a western ideal.

The same people who tell you that the elderly should not expect family help are the same voices that slate working mothers for using child care. Warped sense of priorities, and of what family means

ohfortuna · 07/02/2018 21:43

Farming family out - the elderly and children - is very much a western ideal
In less modern non-western cultures life expectancy is lower childbearing rates are higher and so there are far fewer elderly people needing care and it is entirely feasible for elderly people to be looked after by younger family members
in modern Western societies this is not the case

Sprinklestar · 07/02/2018 21:50

Absolutely agree with Chickenpaws. Those giving care should only do as much as they reasonably can, without feeling resentful, and if at all possible, as people get older they should think about their options. My DM, for example, has downsized to a bungalow and has all her paperwork in order. All siblings are aware of her will, wishes and so on. Similarly, my DGF, who is 92, still lives alone. He’s extremely sprightly, has a cleaner once a week, goes shopping once a week, and pays a local taxi driver to take him out so he can go out for meals and so on. He also has a stairlift fitted so he can get up and down the steps. He recently ordered himself a new oven from John Lewis online! Unless incapacitated, people need to take some responsibility for themselves.

Lanaorana2 · 07/02/2018 21:53

IMHO it's always one person who does most - infuriatingly.

ChickenPaws · 07/02/2018 21:57

Farming family out - the elderly and children - is very much a western ideal.

The same people who tell you that the elderly should not expect family help are the same voices that slate working mothers for using child care. Warped sense of priorities, and of what family means

And not because western medicine keeps people alive for donkeys years way past a natural human lifespan?

And western lifestyle means people live longer?

And women in the western world have to work their whole lives in order to live and put a roof over their children’s heads so aren’t free to care for elderly relatives?

MrsMcGarry · 07/02/2018 22:21

Farming family out - the elderly and children - is very much a western ideal.

Allowing women (because lets face it it's usually women who are expected to take on caring responsibilities for children, their parenst and their husband's parents) to have fulfilling lives and choices about what they do rather than being unpaid domestic workers is a feminist ideal.

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/02/2018 22:33

I was looking after my Mother from age 13 until I left home when she lost her mind after my alcoholic stepfather died. What she put me through over those years means I will never offer to care for her again. It may not have been her fault she was mentally ill but I did my time.

She turned round on me in an argument a few days before I married and told me I was lazy. I cooked, cleaned , shopped, listened to her troubles and looked after my younger sister for years. I then went to University without any financial help at all though the woman is quite wealthy.

If she leaves me any money I am considering giving it all to charity, either nspcc or a young carers organisation.

Whatalife45 · 07/02/2018 22:43

Im 31 and have been full time caring for my gran for 10 years.
It started as just popping in a few times a week.
Now I’m there for 10 hours a day.
No holidays,no days out.
I do her breakfast /lunch /tea/washing etc etc
Her daughter and son refuse to help.
I’ve been told because I’m not married and no kids it’s my job.

Namechangetempissue · 07/02/2018 22:44

My lovely aunt does EVERYTHING for her elderly mum -visits every day, all washing, cleaning, shopping, all while living 3 miles away and doing the whole thing by pushbike (including carting washing back and forth). She also works and has her own children (who help as much as poss) and grandchildren and pets to look after. Her brother and sister do absolutely nothing. No help at all, they manage a short visit a week and just sit and read the paper and drink tea . I 100% guarantee who will be rubbing their greedy little mitts together when my gran passes away and first in the house for Grans things/money (wealthy). We have told her to spend it all and leave it to charity -Aunt isn't helping to cash in.
Some people are just arseholes.

ohfortuna · 07/02/2018 22:56

Her daughter and son refuse to help.I’ve been told because I’m not married and no kids it’s my job
you've been set up, they saw that you stepped forward and they both took several steps back, now you've taken on this burden you cant put it down because you feel solely responsible for your grandmother and if anything happens to her you will feel as if it is your fault.

This is bullshit, it's not your job, they have sacrificed you to relieve them of the burden
if you're not married and have no kids it's because you've been enslaved and you have no chance of a normal life

user764329056 · 07/02/2018 23:17

It’s a very hurtful situation when the care rests with one child, I was live-in carer for my beautiful dad who had dementia, other siblings did absolutely nothing, it nearly broke me but I did what I could and still feel guilty that I was stressed and impatient most of the time, he’s gone now and I just want him to know how much I love him and wish I could do it all again and be kinder

Vibe2018 · 08/02/2018 09:45

If you have young children do you see it as their duty when they grow up to put a significant amount of time into helping you? I don't think my children 'owe me' for my decision to have them and raise them. Great if they want to stick around and spend time with me but there should be no obligation.

I think some people assume that all parents are lovely and easy to get on with like their own parents - so, therefore, any children not willing to care for them must be the ones at fault. Not all families are the same. My in-laws are lovely and I can understand why SIL woukd want to help MIL as much as possible - but MIL would never expect her to. My mum on the otherhand is a very difficult person and I would hate to be forced into daily contact with her through caring for her. Sounds cruel but unless you know the ins and outs of the story its hard to understand.

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