To think we should teach our children it’s ok to say “No”

[footballmum]

Every few days I read a thread on here about someone who is in a situation where they’re being taken advantage of because they have no confidence to say “no”. Even worse, it seems to be interpreted as a dislike of confrontation. It isn’t confrontational to say, “no I’m sorry I can’t” or “no, I’d rather not”. But it seems to be something that many adults are simply incapable of doing, leading to them being taken advantage of in many ways.

There is also, of course, the wider issue of consent. If we don’t teach give our children the confidence and tools to say no to something they don’t want to do, I dread to think of the awful situations they could find themselves in as they grow older.

So AIBU to think that in schools, and at home, we should teach our children how (and of course when) to say “no”?

I agree. The number of people that say “I don’t like confrontation” is boggling to me. Rarely does anyone ‘like’ confrontation. And handling your business is not the same as having a massive row. A polite ‘no’ is absolutely fine.

And 9/10 situations become 10 times worse because people refuse to handle their business and it escalates.

Oh yes op. Loads of articles around this including starting with family members.

Teaching dc it's OK to say no to grandma and grandad, that being tickled when child says no, perp should stop.

Boundaries begin in the home.

Yy zoe totally agree.

My 3yo is definitely fine with saying 'no' - it's his favourite word!

When I have said I have taught ds and dd to do this to anything they feel is wrong or not right I am accused of raising spoilt brats

Yes absolutely. It starts very young, and for me came from seeing my mum unable to say no to people taking advantage of her good nature. Modelling boundaries for your kids is good.

I think we send mixed messages to our DC. When they’re little and say no they’re seen to be naughty and are told off but when they become teens we start telling them that they must say no and to stand up for themselves - against drugs, alcohol, bullying, sexual advances. Yet we haven’t armed them with the tools to do it!! We need to be demonstrating to our DC how to say no, initially ina firm but respectful way, and to be less respectful when the situation dictates!! BTW it’s not something I’ve done very well and only reading some of the threads on here and reflecting on my own experiences has made me realise where I haven’t done the best for my DC. That is going to change. I’m hoping at 14 and 11 the “rot” hasn’t already set in!!

I agree, but when we grow up and hear every day 'why can't you just do what you've been asked to without arguing' as teenagers, it becomes ingrained that we're expected to do as we're told.

By bosses, by parents, by anyone in authority.. it then becomes a difficulty to remember its ok to say 'no' to other peoples requests.

So if a child needs to use the bathroom at school and teacher says they will have to wait, the pupil should stand up for their rights and go anyway?

To anything they don't feel comfortable with or that doesn't seem fair or right

So if a child needs to use the bathroom at school and teacher says they will have to wait, the pupil should stand up for their rights and go anyway

Yes if they are bursting to go.

Worked in an office once where you had to put your hand up to use the loo.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I just got up and went. Apparently the supervisor was apoplectic.

So if a child needs to use the bathroom at school and teacher says they will have to wait, the pupil should stand up for their rights and go anyway

I would have, and I wouldn’t have a problem if my own kids did that.

I agree with you, OP.

Pengggwyn I mean teaching our DC how to say no and when it is and isn’t appropriate to do so. So in Julie’s example that’s more about understanding that we have to follow rules (even if sometimes we don’t want to). I’m talking about starting at a young age teaching our DC that it’s ok not to share their favourite toy if they don’t want to. How many people do we hear on threads admit they are “people pleasers” to their own detriment? When and how does that start? Surely if we can give our DC the confidence to politely say no in appropriate circumstances to avoid a lifetime of being taken advantage of?

YANBU.

Children need to learn to say no in situations that they feel push their boundaries. Whether that's because Granny insists on a kiss/hug or because someone is trying to take their favourite toy.

Sharing is my biggest bugbear, I wouldn't be happy if someone told me I had to share my personal possessions to someone else so I have absolutely told my children they can say no when asked. I've explained that it's nice to share but that they can say "no, sorry" if they don't want to.

I'm not raising selfish or entitled children, I'm raising children who aren't going to pussy foot around everyone else sacrificing their own emotions to suit others all the time. No is a complete sentence.

I see what you mean OP, but what a child considers to be fair and what I consider to be fair, might not be exactly the same thing. It is so hard to get the balance right, when dc don't always understand nuance of each situation.
It's good to question authority, to not blindly follow orders which make no sense, which is why children need explanations. But there are times in life when they might not like the explanation but have to do as they are told anyway! It is very hard to be specific in differentiating when it is okay to say no and when it isn't.

That said, I'm not a people pleaser. I have no difficulty saying no. Neither do my dc . So I suppose my parents and I must have taught our children how to differentiate instinctively.

Are there really any parents that are teaching their children that its not okay to say no?
If they are uncomfortable, if it dosnt seem fair or right then of course children should be allowed to say no

I think there's a difference between sharing personal possessions and communal toys such as in a nursery or at the childminder's. There is also too much emphasis placed on 'sharing' when the correct phrase would be 'turn-taking'. For example, when a child is told to 'share' a doll, it is impossible without cutting the doll into pieces. They should be taught to take turns instead. It's a tricky one re being able to say no to taking turns at school/nursery because the toys should be for everyone to play with and turn-taking is an appropriate behaviour to learn. There's certainly no harm in saying no to handing a toy over immediately and negotiating (with adult support initially) to take turns - a good learning experience for both parties.

Are there really any parents that are teaching their children that its not okay to say no?

Yes there are, I have a relative who insists on their DC giving their GP's a kiss and cuddle when they clearly don't want to, it makes the GP's uncomfortable and even when they say no it's fine don't bother they still insist that they do. Terrible message to send kids.

It's not just about boundaries with adults though, it's important children are confident enough to say no to their friends, especially when they reach a certain age and peer pressure kicks in. I've always taught mine never to do anything just because someone tells him to, he should only ever do what he's comfortable with.

Example, my DS walks to school with 2 friends. Last week one of them said he wants to invite a 4th boy to walk with them. DS doesn't like this boy, they've tried walking with him before and he constantly jumps on them pulling them to the ground and being generally annoying. DS has told his friend he's welcome to walk with this boy but he and other friend (who feels the same as DS) won't be. Might not sound like much but I'm proud of him for not just going along with it to appease his friend. He's always been very easy going and generally gone along with what others want to do but I've definitely noticed a change in the last year or so and he's much more likely to say 'actually no I don't want to do that' these days.

I don't think it's as simple as parents or schools teaching children to say No.

Difficulty in saying No as an adult is tied up in deep seated issues with confidence and insecurities.

All parents can do is try to instill self confidence in their children. The most effective way to teach children is to model the behaviour as an adult; demonstrating how to be assertive and voice an opinion, leading by example.
That's not easy if the parent has difficulty being assertive.

It takes a certain strength of character and a degree of maturity to stand up to people. Some of this may simply be Nature rather than Nurture.