To think we should teach our children it’s ok to say “No”

[footballmum]

Every few days I read a thread on here about someone who is in a situation where they’re being taken advantage of because they have no confidence to say “no”. Even worse, it seems to be interpreted as a dislike of confrontation. It isn’t confrontational to say, “no I’m sorry I can’t” or “no, I’d rather not”. But it seems to be something that many adults are simply incapable of doing, leading to them being taken advantage of in many ways.

There is also, of course, the wider issue of consent. If we don’t teach give our children the confidence and tools to say no to something they don’t want to do, I dread to think of the awful situations they could find themselves in as they grow older.

So AIBU to think that in schools, and at home, we should teach our children how (and of course when) to say “no”?

I totally agree and would add that’s parents need to model this behaviour. There are so many threads on here about discipline and raising kids. Many parents seems to be scared of just saying no to their kids. There is nothing wrong with it. I rink understand authority and respecting it is the first step to realising our own.

That's a really good point Calvin. Not being afraid to show your children clear boundaries and saying No to them demonstrates that it's possible to do so without damaging relationships.
That it's a normal part of life to say No and expect others to respect that.

My son has severe/profound learning difficulties and learnt how to indicate no much later than other children. It is still the only longstanding word that he has. I am very glad that he has this ability because he is less vulnerable than if he couldn't. Yes sometimes we and school have to override this but even so we always indicate that he has been 'listened' to.

I know a lot of people who won't say no to their children though, so if they never hear no how will they learn to respect it in any way?

Totally agree! My DM taught me to be a doormat. I have struggled my whole life to stand up for myself, and only now, nearly 50, am I finally finding the courage to say 'no', and not mind if it upsets people. I am determined that my DC will have the courage to able to say no in a polite and firm manner, and not to engage in any attempts to bully or coerce them to change their minds.

A lot of it is personality.

My children are quite obedient and eager to please, which makes my life easy obviously...

However they already need to be able to say no especially to peers. My youngest (6) especially struggles with this, and it worries me. At his last parents evening his teacher said he is too kind and helpful to peers and needs to say no because he's being taken advantage of!

I think respect is vital in teaching your children how and when to say No. Of course all children learn no as toddlers but we often punish it out of them and allow them to be taught blind obedience (“because I say so!” Ring a bell?). This is wrong and kids should be encouraged to ask why and be respected enough to be answered. All sanctions or rules in our house are explained and all kids are allowed to question things. The answer may not change- though it might (it’s okay to admit you’re wrong as a parent). And I also told my children if something doesn’t feel right to you, you have the right to question it or say no. But with rights come responsibilities. So they also learned to accept consequences.
An example. Age 10 my son didn’t want to do a particular bit of homework. It involved learning and reciting poetry in an accent. He felt embarrassed and awkward speaking like that. I told him to explain politely why he was not doing his homework and that he may be punished and would need to accept that. So he wrote to his teacher explaining. She was lovely and wrote back outlining the learning that he was being assessed on and she offered him an alternative. That was a positive outcome. It could have been a teacher who made him copy out a page of a dictionary or miss playtime or something. But he learned that it was okay to say no. Even to a teacher. Just like now in his job (he is 20) he would feel able to say no but knows he would need to explain respectfully why he was saying No and accept consequences.

We also didn’t force sharing nor kissing relatives or allowing unwanted tickling etc.

It works. Respect which is two-way right from the start is really important.

I have no idea wtf my children are so obliging, as I am quite bloody minded... Perhaps they are rebelling by being different (which is fair enough but... I don't want them to be pushovers)

The older two do stand up for what they think is right - ds1 got punched for standing in front of a school mate to block some other boys from beating him up when he was only 9! So I hope the youngest will develop the skill...

It's actually quite a nuanced thing to teach, when and how it is right and necessary to refuse to do as you are told, or to decline to do something "nice" or "kind" ... It is a hard thing to teach, but a necessary skill. I suppose most children (and adults who haven't mastered it) go too far one way or the other.

Definitely no to unwanted physical attention including tickling and kisses.

It's easy to back your child up in saying no to those things, harder in more complex social situations especially sharing (my youngest just gets used as a bottomless supply of pencil crayons, glue sticks, pencil sharpeners, erasers...)

I've always said it's ok not to share and never made my kids share their personal possessions with one another or anyone (though have always enforced sharing of and attention to others waiting for a turn with communal resources such as playground equipment). So I'm not sure why my youngest hasn't got strong sharing boundaries.

Pengg it's essential to have the integrity to say no at work under certain circumstances, and yes, in extreme circumstances even if the consequence was losing your job. If you are asked to do something unconscionable including sweep something unconscionable under the carpet, you have to be able to say no.

On a more every day note sometimes you have to be able to say no, I cannot work late again tonight (but can tomorrow instead), no, I cannot take on an ever increasing, impossible workload while others coast etc.