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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DP to be with me at the hospital? I’m angry.

33 replies

EilaLila · 03/02/2018 18:52

Important backstory: I had a fairly routine operation and suffered a rare but serious complication. I nearly died and was in intensive care. Mentally, I struggle and have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I am having another operation in a few weeks. To be fair, it’s a minor procedure, much more minor that the one I had last time but my illogical brain is going crazy. Last night, DP and I were chatting about practicalities. He said to call him as soon as I’m out or ask the nurses and of course, he’ll be there ASAP. I was surprised and said so. He replied that he thought it was silly for him to hang around.

I’m disappointed in him. He’s usually the most supportive person and I don’t understand why he can’t see it from my view. I explained that I was scared but he just kept hugging me and trying to reassure me.

He’s away for the weekend and I’m stewing on it, getting more and more angry. AIBU?

OP posts:

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 03/02/2018 18:55

Maybe he feels that he needs to keep himself busy. If I’m in a similar situation, wait8ng for news etc I like to keep busy.

Bramble71 · 03/02/2018 18:57

To be honest, I didn't think family members were allowed to hang around while a loved one was having surgery. Have you checked this with them in the first instance?

Please don't stew on it and get angry. You must talk to him and explain how you're feeling. If it's day surgery and you don't know exactly what time you'll be going in, maybe you could ask that the ward let him know when you do go over to theatre, so he can be with you when you wake up, subject to their permission of course.

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 18:57

I see where you're coming from but from a practical point of view BUS hospitals don't tend to have space for relatives waiting areas and will tell him to go away and come back anyway. He could sit in the canteen/cafe but he won't be "to hand" IYKWIM.

When I went private DH was allowed to wait in my room so he was there when I came out of recovery. That's not practical in NHS procedure units though generally.

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 18:58

NHS not BUS

PotteringAlong · 03/02/2018 18:59

Would he be allowed to stay? Most hospitals won’t let that happen.

PinkDaffodil2 · 03/02/2018 18:59

When I’ve had a minor op, there wasn’t any provision for family to hang around - I guess he could stay in the canteen at the hospital until you’re done but I wouldn’t bet he can certainly stay with you while you wait for your op.

Penfold007 · 03/02/2018 18:59

He won't be allowed to hang around. The staff will expect him to go home/work or whatever and come back when you or they ring them.

Namechangetempissue · 03/02/2018 19:00

How long is the operation expected to last OP? I wouldn't be bothered at DH going home BUT I haven't had a situation like yours with PTSD. Has he explained why he wants to leave?

Series28 · 03/02/2018 19:00

Have you specifically told him that you want him to come? While your having the operation he wont be allowed to be there anyway, but what about before, I would ask him to drop me of stay with me beforehand but I wouldnt mind then if he needed to go off instead of waiting around, which is horrible.

Original poster

EilaLila · 03/02/2018 19:01

Thanks for your thoughts. I think it’s the idea of going to the hospital alone that’s scary. It’s about an hour and a half away because we live in an awkward place. I know it’s probably pathetic but I want to know he’s near enough to get to me in an emergency in case I need to say goodbye or something.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 03/02/2018 19:04

It might be you need to spell it out to him how very nervous you are.

When dh and I have had things done we'd not stay but then we're only 15 mins away.

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 19:05

DURING an emergency they would not call him in anyway, they would deal with the emergency and then ring him afterwards, whether he answers the phone from the canteen or home will make no difference, they won't let him in DURING an emergency, or even after if you go to recovery (no visiting at all in recovery).

YANBU to ask him to to escort you there and be with you before hand x

Hospitals are increasingly offering pre procedure psychology services??

blackteaplease · 03/02/2018 19:07

We live an hour from hospital. If it were me, I would want Dh to drive me there and sit with me while I wait and then hang around somewhere until I was out of recovery. And DH would do it for me.

zzzzz · 03/02/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EilaLila · 03/02/2018 19:18

Namechange The op should be around an hour maximum. He hasn’t explained why he wants to leave. Perhaps he’s scared too. I didn’t even consider it which isn’t very nice of me.

Pancake are you a health care professional, if you don’t mind me asking? I had no debrief after what happened, even though I asked. I remember being very distressed in ICU, not understanding why they wouldn’t let me see DP.

OP posts:

moosemama · 03/02/2018 19:20

I think, given your anxiety about the op, it’s not unreasonable to ask your dp to drive you there and walk you to the ward. You won’t be allowed to drive yourself home anyway if you’ve had a general.

I had a routine op last year, my dh loathes hospitals, but drove me there, took me to the ward and waited till I was taken to theatre, then left. It was a good few hours before he needed to come back, because after the op there’s the recovery room, then transferring you back to the ward.

As long as he’s not hours away and can get there quickly once you’re back on the ward I think that’s a reasonable compromise.

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 19:20

He may well have PTSD due to your last Op. Not uncommon in relatives.

Would an ITU your help you? Could be arranged. Who did you ask for a debrief? Did you ask via pals.

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/02/2018 19:21

No advice just sending you a hug, I'm sure you'll be fine x

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 19:23

An ITU TOUR.
People do do that to fill in bits of their memories from their stay.
I don't know if it helps, but I know people do it.

XmasInTintagel · 03/02/2018 19:26

Would he be allowed to stay? Most hospitals won’t let that happen.
They're not going to insist he leaves the premises are they? What a strange idea! He could go to the canteen, or wherever he fancies while he waits.
If they really throw you out all the hospital dramas on TV have it wrong - they always have anxious relatives waiting nearby, and doctors coming to tell them how it went...apparently they should be checking they're leaving instead!

PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 19:27

If they really throw you out all the hospital dramas on TV have it wrong - they always have anxious relatives waiting nearby, and doctors coming to tell them how it went...or

Well they are. Surgeons don't traipse around the canteen/lobby looking for waiting rellies after each op!

gamerwidow · 03/02/2018 19:39

I think if he’s 90 minutes away he should stay so he can see you as soon as he is contacted. It would be different if he was more local. When my mum has had surgeries I’ve always waited at the hospital for her because she wanted someone there until she went down and as soon as she woke up because she was worried about people seeing her without her false teeth. If I can wait all day at hospital in a canteen for that stupid reason then he can wait at hospital for your much serious reason.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2018 19:40

I had a small op a few years ago and was nervous as hell as I had never been under. Dh and I were going through a rough patch, he didn’t want to come with me so I got dropped off at the hospital by a friend, sat for 3 hours as surgery was running late, called him when I was out of surgery and able to talk on the phone so he could collect me. I wasn’t happy. He’s now my ex (not just because of this but it was one of the final straws).

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2018 19:42

I've always stayed when DH has had surgery, including his 5 hour heart surgery. DH stayed in the hospital when I had surgery on my ankle. In fact, I seem to remember the hospitals saying that they wanted a family member there in case emergency decisions needed to be made.

I don't blame you for wanting him there. If the hospital is 1 1/2 hrs away, what is he going to do? He won't be able to go home and back in the time you're going to have the op. At the very least he should be there when you go into surgery and be there when you get out.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2018 19:42

*get out of recovery.

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