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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls "using" our daughter

50 replies

Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 09:47

Our girl (8) uses a walking frame at school and because of this has to do some things differently. She uses the lift, she often plays in the older classes' playground, she goes in to class in the morning a few minutes before the bell etc. She is allowed to take a friend with her so she isn't so isolated.

She has a good friend (her BFF so she tells me) but I do encourage her not to exclude others and she is friendly with a whole lot of other children too.

However, it seems some girls "use" her for what they see as the fun things to do. As an example, every morning some girls meet her when we get out of the car and walk to the door with her. We have five or ten minutes before she is collected to go in early. These girls barely talk to her, huddle in a group to look at something, chat among themselves then inevitably one or other of them will come and ask "can I go in with you". I thought they were good friends but there have been a couple of birthday parties they have had where she hasn't been invited, but other girls who they don't seem to be good friends with have been. She has noticed this and it's been bothering her.

This morning was particularly bad and even when she started talking to them, they pretty much ignored her then two minutes later "can I come in with you"

I probably shouldn't have, but I interfered. I asked the girls "how come you barely speak to her but when it's time to go in you are friends enough to ask if you can go in with her". I didn't rant or rage at them, I just asked the question. They looked at me blankly, one said "I don't do that". (Which is pretty much the case and she is actually a friend) and I agreed with her. But the others just stood said nothing, then the ASN came out and they sort of drifted off to line up with the others.

AIBU? I don't think they are doing it on purpose. And I know at least two of them aren't of the "mean girl" ilk. I ordinarily tell our girl to sort out her own spats and issues with them and I only get involved if anyone picks on her disability. She is generally a decent girl, she has some stuff she does which we have warned her might annoy friends if she carry's on, but all her teachers have said she is a well liked, popular girl. If these kids are only being friends with her to get the good things but excluding her otherwise, should I be bothered?

OP posts:
WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 02/02/2018 09:50

What doesn't your daughter say about these girls?

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 02/02/2018 09:50

Does* stupid autocorrect

wizzywig · 02/02/2018 09:52

What are the thingd they want from her?

Original poster
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 09:53

woman

To me? She just talks about them like she talks about her other friends. She only says anything negative when she complains about them doing this. I know them all pretty well and they are generally nice girls.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 02/02/2018 09:54

Op good on you for speaking up

DullAndOld · 02/02/2018 09:54

oh there was a girl like this at my school.
A lot of girls who were NOT her friends, all over her so that they could eg stay indoors at break.
I think you should have words with the headteacher and make it v clear who her real friends are/are not.

Original poster
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 09:56

wizzywig

Things like leaving class early to go for lunch, getting to play in the big playground, going in the lift. Sometimes she has to stay in at playtime, they all want to do this with her. Apparently in the world of 8 year olds these are fun extras.

OP posts:
Original poster
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 09:57

She is particularly popular for skipping PE 😂

OP posts:
museumum · 02/02/2018 09:57

I think it’s up to your dd. You make her aware that there are true friends and not such good friends and let her choose. After all she doesn’t want to go in alone. Sometimes a friendship of convenience works both ways - a girl who wants to go in early / use the lift doesn’t have to be a bff as long as they’re good company and not pretending.

mumpoints · 02/02/2018 09:58

Yes, have a word with her teacher. What does your daughter want to happen? Perhaps she could choose a friend to accompany her for the week or something so the girls know it futile to ask?

Crumbs1 · 02/02/2018 10:00

I suspect you’ve done her no favours interfering in an accusatory manner. We have friends for all sorts of reasons - it’s rare that a friendship is entirely altruistic. They want to do the fun things - well, they might well and that’s not a crime.
Excluding from parties might just be because if your daughter uses a frame and has mobility restrictions their parents don’t want to manage her in a lively party setting (such as swimming or soft play) or change the activities/venue to include her. If a party is at their house and they don’t have a downstairs lavatory, how would she manage? It’s not nice but may be more complex than the girls simply excluding her.
Similarly on the playground, girls tend to spot something or someone and run off to speak to them/ see whatever is of interest. It might simply be your daughter can’t keep up with the fast pace of the playground. Of course, it would be kind to wait with her or for people to come to her but these are 8 year olds and not known for great empathy.

Arriettyborrower · 02/02/2018 10:00

My DS is in the same situation as your DD, I do think there is a novelty factor to it, kids are interested in doing something different that is allowed - it’s not malicious to your DD but is probably more about what the other child gets out of it and that doesn’t feel nice as an adult but maybe your DD isn’t noticing yet?

Arriettyborrower · 02/02/2018 10:01

Sorry posting quickly! My DS has one friend who is his buddy for everything this obviously has its pitfalls too but works for them for now.

RedHelenB · 02/02/2018 10:02

Sometimes schools have rotas so that no one misses out all the time. Could that work? No child should be missing pe though, can your daughter not join in at all?

Original poster
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 10:02

museumum

We've had a few chats about that very thing. She does get that. So maybe the way to go is keep pushing it from that angle and let her choose?

She isn't brilliant at fighting her own corner and I am very wary of fighting it for her. She's starting to do it, it could be this is one to encourage her more to do that.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 02/02/2018 10:11

Op just thought, is the school allowing thus/ turning a blind eye as it saves them employing a 121 for yr child to be with her when she needs extra assistance?

MrsJayy · 02/02/2018 10:11

I was your Dd I have a disability and it surprises you the "friends" that pop up if you get to go in early or use the lift etc etc. These girls are taking advantage they probably don't realise they are taking advantage and your dd doesn't know that yet. I think you should talk to the school about it and if your dd sticks to her bff to do things with her then at least you know she is a proper friend.

Notevilstepmother · 02/02/2018 10:13

Are they too shy to talk to her when her mum is with her? I’d ask the teacher to keep an eye out.

ElsieMc · 02/02/2018 10:16

My gs often offers to help out in similar circumstances and admits he likes the positives which you have described. At heart, kids are selfish. I have told him I think this is a bit mean but I know for a fact he really likes and admires this girl and has been good with her and the staff have commented upon this as well.

As I've said, kids are pretty selfish but I think you are right to watch out for your dd. Whilst others have said you should not have intervened, I think you were right to let them know you were on to them. I certainly don't like the thought of them huddling in a group excluding your dd. You did the right thing for your dd.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/02/2018 10:17

Its hard to watch when it’s your child, but it’s a lesson we all learn in life, it won’t do her any harm. One of my godsons got this life lesson at 4. By the time he was 8 he was sorting the wheat from the chaff better than most adults!

It seems like you’re trying to have it both ways though. You tell DD not to have a ‘bff’ but to include the others, then when she does you feel she’s being taken advantage of.

You say the girls are nice and not mean, so I don’t think you can really say much to them without them then including DD because they have to and not be because they want to and that would be worse for DD.

If DD is upset, then you need to have a talk about it & see what she wants to do about it. She could do as mumpoints suggested and have one person per week, she could choose a daily rota in advance, she could be brave and say ‘No, I’m fed up of being ignored then only talked to when you want something, I’ll just go in alone’, she could say ‘I’m not going to choose anyone who asks’ or she might just want ‘permission’ to simply have her bff all the time.

The ‘annoying things’ she does might need a bit more effort to change 😕

SheRasBra · 02/02/2018 10:19

I think what you did was fine. You were merely asking them to look at their behaviour, not telling them off exactly. You were there with DD so took the opportunity to comment on behaviour you saw. It's not as if you went in all guns blazing based on something you were told at home.

user789653241 · 02/02/2018 10:26

They maybe using her without really thinking, but as long as they actually play with her and keep her company after they went in etc, it's not too bad. If they take advantage but then ignore her, it is a problem, I think.

Witchend · 02/02/2018 10:39

I'm not sure, but they may not be "using her". They arrive, they talk to a friend, they walk in with another friend-that happens anyway. It's not using the friend they walk in with, or being nasty to the friend they first talked to.
As one person said they may be a bit shy at talking to her while you're still there.
What I'd be concerned about it rather than them thinking "oh we must talk to her when we arrive" they'll think "oh we won't ask if we can do things with her" and your dd will drop out of their sight.

I have a dd with a physical disability. At times it's been quite good for making friends, as it gives the other child something to come and ask "what happened ...". From there she's often made friends when we're out much easier than my other children. I know what you mean about using her, but I'm not sure they are.

When I was at primary we went to swimming once a week on a bus. At that point there were an odd number of girls, and I was the oddment. So often I would be the one without a partner. But if a pair had had a falling out, or one was away etc I was the go to spare partner. I knew I was the odd one out, and the second choice. But we talked on the bus, and in the cubical. I knew that when they made up/friend came back they wouldn't partner me. But actually it meant they got to know me, and when we left, I was truly surprised to find that they all regarded me as a friend-no one else was in that situation, although none of them would have picked me 1st, I was a lot of people's 2/3/4th.

I would suspect that if she can't go out to play with them, doesn't do games etc. than those are the times that friendships are made and children want to feel they have someone with them as a partner or to play with. It's going to be hard for her to make friends in a lot of ways. But the fact that they do want to be with her-I assume 1-on-1 too, is a wonderful opportunity for them to get to know her as a friend.

But I'd be raising merry hell about her not being able to access PE. That's totally unacceptable. I suggest you contact Limbpower and see if they can help. It's one of their passions that children should not be left out of PE due to disability.

Original poster
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 11:01

crumbs1

I suspect you are right - hence the post Grin

On the venues, I know this has been an issue before and I am sympathetic to it. I do know the mums quite well though and I would have thought they could have mentioned it. I generally stay for a party to provide the help and other mums are thankful for an extra pair of hands. The last one it was definitely not a problem though. Venue and activity were totally accessible.

Redhelenb. They did this in the earlier years. Initially they had a "hands up our girl would choose. I figured she would like the power so put a stop that! When they did a general rota it worked well. But, then we had a situation where she had surgery and had to avoid the busy playground for weeks. She got quite upset because with the alternative arrangement, buddying her was treated as something the kids could earn for good behaviour. She ended up being ignored a lot of the time as in a class of 30 there were inevitably children she wasn't friends with.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 02/02/2018 11:24

Did they really run a buddy system to stay in with her ?

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