Girls "using" our daughter

[Originalfoogirl]

Our girl (8) uses a walking frame at school and because of this has to do some things differently. She uses the lift, she often plays in the older classes' playground, she goes in to class in the morning a few minutes before the bell etc. She is allowed to take a friend with her so she isn't so isolated.

She has a good friend (her BFF so she tells me) but I do encourage her not to exclude others and she is friendly with a whole lot of other children too.

However, it seems some girls "use" her for what they see as the fun things to do. As an example, every morning some girls meet her when we get out of the car and walk to the door with her. We have five or ten minutes before she is collected to go in early. These girls barely talk to her, huddle in a group to look at something, chat among themselves then inevitably one or other of them will come and ask "can I go in with you". I thought they were good friends but there have been a couple of birthday parties they have had where she hasn't been invited, but other girls who they don't seem to be good friends with have been. She has noticed this and it's been bothering her.

This morning was particularly bad and even when she started talking to them, they pretty much ignored her then two minutes later "can I come in with you"

I probably shouldn't have, but I interfered. I asked the girls "how come you barely speak to her but when it's time to go in you are friends enough to ask if you can go in with her". I didn't rant or rage at them, I just asked the question. They looked at me blankly, one said "I don't do that". (Which is pretty much the case and she is actually a friend) and I agreed with her. But the others just stood said nothing, then the ASN came out and they sort of drifted off to line up with the others.

AIBU? I don't think they are doing it on purpose. And I know at least two of them aren't of the "mean girl" ilk. I ordinarily tell our girl to sort out her own spats and issues with them and I only get involved if anyone picks on her disability. She is generally a decent girl, she has some stuff she does which we have warned her might annoy friends if she carry's on, but all her teachers have said she is a well liked, popular girl. If these kids are only being friends with her to get the good things but excluding her otherwise, should I be bothered?

@Originalfoogirl don't fall into the trap of thinking this is just an 8 year old thing. DD was 13 when she suffered an injury that meant she had similar treatment at school for 2 years. She had to use the lift, leave classes early, stay inside at breaks etc
The amount of girls who'd ignored her until that point who suddenly wanted to become her best friend was astounding. Fortunately by 13 they have developed a bit more insight and they were swiftly dispached.

Brilliant replies here. All very helpful, thanks.

AnnieAnoniMouse

Not so much have cake and eat it, more I'm keen to strike the right balance. I don't think it's healthy for any child to have just one BFF, but particularly in her situation having a supportive group of friends ensures she isn't isolated. There are others who she is friends with who don't dick her about like this.

I don't think the shy thing is the case as the girls know me well too and will speak to me no problem. I tend to stand off to one side rather than beside our girl.

Definitely working on her annoying things! I think we are just about getting there

Witchend

Part of the reason for my post was, not knowing how much of it was typical 8 and how much is disability related. Good to know it it just likely to be typical 8!

Her disability does draw them in and kids do think her frame is sooooo coooool 😂. It's a useful starting point and when our girl complained that she didn't like that children were drawn to her just because of her disability, I pointed out she could see that as just the intro. They will stay if she is a decent friend.

The PE is thing is our current battle. There are some sessions she can't join in no matter what they were doing as it is around her being at risk or physically unable. So, if she has had surgery or if it has been a particularly busy week and her legs just need a rest. I don't have a problem with that. However, currently the two sessions a week they are doing skipping and basketball. For skipping she gets to swing the rope, although a little effort has been made to do some actual skipping. For basket ball, in a match she is the referee 🙄. Yesterday's session, she basically ran up and down the hall. When she said to the teacher that no-one was passing to her she was told "well, there are a lot of children in the match". Fair point, but that wasn't why they weren't passing to her. We discussed it yesterday night and she wants to just not do PE.

I have spoken to the school at length about this. They do give her an ASN for PE which is great, but they never seem to think about "how do we make this lesson inclusive". It is more "how can she join in". Which are two different things.

They will have an ASN do physio stuff with her if we pull her from PE. They do this sometimes if it is an outdoor session as windy days are a struggle for her. I will look at your link but am wondering if they haven't got it sorted by P4, will they ever and is it worth banging my head against a brick wall!

I think you were right to talk to the girls. If my DC was doing that i would want to know or someone to take her to task. Kids are unthinking, that's the point of adults teaching/parenting etc, to teach them TO think about their behaviour and other people.

Fwiw my teenager had a temporary situation like this and set up his own rota with friends. A lot changes in a few years. Of course I know temporary is a lot different to permanent but I just mean their judgment and awareness of balance within friendships seems to improve as they grow.

MrsJayy

Yep. Well, not stay in, but go out to an outdoor bit that kids normally aren't allowed to play in.

She had both legs in casts so was at risk of flying balls etc. The school organised a rota of the P7s who would sit out with her to make sure there were no problems, they did that as part of their responsible citizens course and had to do plans and risk assessments and stuff, that part of it was brilliant. But her class teacher insisted she couldn't just bring her good friends. Everyone would get a turn, if they behaved well. When our girl complained she was told abruptly "we are an inclusive school, nobody is left out". (Which would have been funny if she herself hadn't been the worst we ever dealt with for inclusivity). I was livid and sent a note in reminding the teacher that our girl deserved to play with her friends at play time just like her friends did.

Your Dd isn't a project i know you school and Dd are trying to find a balance but her disability doesn't define her and isn't a p7 good deed thing

That is rotten, good on you for having a word with them, that is unkind what they are doing.

MrsJayy

I get that, I really do. I have spoken to them about that before but I think the P7 thing was a good shout. The older kids do lots of stuff where they take lunch time groups of the younger kids and do activities with them. They have a buddy system for the P1s at transition times. They also have an Enhanced Provision unit and the P7s work with the staff in there as part of the RC curriculum. Both our girl and the P7s really enjoyed it so I have no problem with with it. I might have thought differently if it wasn't part of a wider thing they do with the Older children.

Its unkind to befriend someone with the intention of what you can get out of them. I would be having a word with the teacher about what is happening. At 8 they are not to young to learn, or they will grow up to be teens or adults who treat people the same way.

Have you talked to your dd about good friendships and bad ones, and help her become more assertive, and make genuine friends, rather than ones who only want her for what she can give them due to her disability.

But her class teacher insisted she couldn't just bring her good friends. Everyone would get a turn, if they behaved well.

Holy fucking shit on a stick, your daughter is not a bloody prop to be used in good behaviour rewards!

Is there any option your daughter could appoint 5-10 steady companions, girls she likes, and they rotate helping her out?

Cause fucking hell, treating her like a reward made MY blood boil, I can't imagine how you must have felt!

YANBU I'd have spoken up too - at 8 they're not necessarily being conniving or mean about it, but just not thinking. You weren't aggressive, just pointing something out.

I don't have mobility problems, or any experience of them in family members but I imagine she will get a lot of this sort of thing going through life - people wanting to piggyback on the perceived "advantages" under the auspices of "helping" - in time she'll get much better at spotting it and with your and the school's help I hope she'll come up with some strategies to manage. I'm sure there are many adults with mobility problems who've got good at saying "Thanks but no thanks!"

Read the full thread and fucking hell I'd be fizzing if the teacher wasn't letting DS play with his own friends. She's not the class bear!

YANBU at all.

I think it is quite a complex thing actually. The OP's dd being a "reward" isn't right, but neither is her becoming a "duty".You can be someone's friend without wanting to regularly miss PE, or be split from other friends at breaktime. You really do need a fairly wide range of friends/companions to ensure that friendships don't become confused with obligations or caring duties.

barbarianmum

This has been a juggling act from day 1. In P3 (with the non inclusive inclusive teacher) we discovered that she had dispensed with the ASN to help our girl get into her desk chair. It fell to her BFF to do it. This was apparently under the guise of gaining independence and asking friends for help. There's been a few other times her needs have been met by friends rather than ASN and it has riled me. Her BFF is absolutely amazing. She is such a brilliant girl and I love her to bits. Their friendship is deep and she is the kind of girl who will automatically jump in to help. Her parents are equally good with our girl and it is no surprise that BFF does the same. However, BFF is not her carer and I am always wary of her ending up feeling that it is duty. Not so much an issue at the moment but could be as she gets older.

I did talk to the school about the chair thing and they got the ASN back in. Turns out that that teach hates having ASNs in class

Good for you for speaking out.
We had this crap albeit temporarily 30 years ago when DD returned to school following a nasty RTA resulting in several fractures, including her tib. fib and femur so she was still on crutches after a long spell in hospital.
She was 10 as were her friends who on the whole were great and supportive.They even formed their own informal rota for partnering maras junior.
However a few from the class one year younger would try every day and every way to buddy up to her to reap the benefits such as slightly extended play times, taking break time indoors leaving slightly earlier etc whilst ignoring her and staying in their own little clique if they thought no one was watching.
DD knew that it was a temporary thing so felt able to deal with it herself.
Your child is only 8 and will require this peer help permanently so well done you for being her supporter and hopefully nipping this in the bud.

Your Dds Bff sounds lovely and she is being kind because she is a good friend and understands your dds difficulties and isn't helping because she has to or getting special privilidges (sp) I wouldn't worry about the carer aspect finding friends when you are 8 is hard finding friends when you are 8 and have a disabilty is a bloody minefield.

Idontdowindows

It happened last summer. I think I've just about calmed down now😂

And as for a teacher not wanting an ASN in her classroom jesus wept 😕

She's not the class bear!

😂😂😂

She's a hell of a lot cleaner than that damned for a start 🤢

I have a similar situation with my DD1 (8). She doesn't have a physical disability, she has glasses and hearing aids and struggles socially. They have a buddying system at her school as well and the teacher asks for volunteers to play with her and they get 'wows' for being a good friend to her.

It means that she's not lonely in the playground but she still doesn't easily get included in other children's games, and she never gets invited on play dates, or to parties. She therefore tags along with DD2 and her friends, DD2 is 3 years younger and extremely popular.

It's hard, OP. Maybe I should have spoken up for her when so called friends have excluded her or accused her of following them around. I don't, because I do believe it's best to talk to the school about it.

In your DD's case, it's sad that these friends are using her, but they're too young to realise it so it might well have helped them to have you point out how hurtful their behaviour was. But it would be better to talk to the school about it in the future, I think.

My daughter has a friend just like your DD. She has mobility isues which means she's on crutches, sometimes uses a wheelchair when she;s in a lot of pain. Doesn't do PE. She's now in S1 and is finding things very tough.

It sounds awful but lots of the girls at 12 or 13 aren't interested in being mates with people who are different. They don't want to be friends with the girl in the wheelchair, or the one with Asperger's who makes funny noises, or the one who doesn't speak much English. DD's friend is having a really hard time. So although your DD has no shortage of friends at present, that might all change. The trick - for any child - is to establish the kids who are REALLY your friend, and not just friends with you because you've got a new puppy, or are best at dancing, or get to miss PE. That's tricky for adults, never mind 8 year olds.

In my experience with DD's friend I have found it's best to speak directly to the mother about whether something is suitable for her daughter rather than asking the child first. She can't do swimming or trampolining, but can eat pizza and watch DVDs with the rest of them. So I would always try to steer DD in the direction of activity everyone could do, or say to the other girl's mum that for example we're going swimming but will be back at our house at 3pm and send her over then for food. It's really hard though, especially as they enter their teens,

k2p2k2tog

I've always one eye on the future and for sure secondary school scares me. I guess part of what I am doing now feeds in to that. I can't see her BFF not being a friend as they grow up, but I am keen for her to forge friendships out with that relationship for exactly this reason. Barring and major issue with numbers, the vast majority of these girls (and boys - she is friends with some of those too!) will all move to the same high school. That is the time she will need allies.

She is involved in some out of school stuff which has children from other schools in the cluster so hopefully the bonds she makes there will help.

Yes - the kids who have been with children in wheelchairs or who have other difficulties right through Primary are very protective of them in secondary. DD said that even one of the cool boys waded in to defend the girl in their class with Aspergers who didn't realise she was having the piss taken out of her - it's as if he sees her as family as they've grown up together.

They're not all mean at secondary age - but it's so much about fitting in and not standing out.

Wee update: one of the girls randomly came over and offered to help her when her water bottle leaked in her tray today. And none of them seem to have been shitty with her. As a bonus, no arsey messages from the parents either! So I seem to have got away with it.

May I also add, this has been the nicest response I've ever seen on AIBU and you have all had some great words of advice which I have taken on board.

Thanks to everyone and hugs to those of you who also deal with this kind of stuff. You are amazing.

Maybe turned a corner and they tookheed sounds hopeful☺