I'm on the precipice of making a huge decision and would appreciate some opinions. DD1 is 13 and in year 9. She was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago. She's never particularly got on with school - in primary it was more the social side she struggled with, but when she got into year 6 she had what I would describe as a breakdown, and refused to go to school at all for quite a while. She had a slow reintroduction to school, but refused to engage at all with learning, and would mostly just sit with her head on the desk. It was all this which kick started involvement with other agencies, which led to her ASD diagnosis.
She then started secondary. She is at an excellent school, which is fairly small, and gets very good exam results. She had a comprehensive school entry plan, with lots of additional support from the SEN department and the ELSA lady at school. She seemed to be doing well, she built up a strong relationship with the ELSA lady, who she had one or two individual sessions with each week. The school have been very understanding of her needs, and give her a time out card to use if she gets overwhelmed by lessons. She finds being at school exhausting and doesn't always do her homework, and the teachers are great about giving her extra time rather than a detention.
She had one period of school refusing for about 3 weeks towards the end of year 7, and the same again in year 8. On balance, that wasn't too bad. She made a couple of good friends too which has been great. However, over the last year or so her mental health, which has never been great, has been in slow decline. She hates school, but won't really elaborate on why. She's not being bullied, although she does have a reputation for being the 'weird kid' because often she will get overwhelmed and upset for what others perceive to be no reason. My feeling is that the school environment is just more than she can cope with.
This year has been a bit of a shit show for her tbh. Sadly, both the ELSA lady who she was very close to, and the head of SEN who she wasn't that close to but was excellent at advocating for her needs, have both been away on long term sick leave for the entire academic year. Without this support, the wheels have well and truly come off for dd. She made it until November before the school refusing started again, and she ended up having about a month off before Christmas. I have told the school that without support she just isn't going to be able to cope there, but they have a temporary head of SEN who only comes in once every few weeks, and no-one is trained to take over the ELSA side of things. Me and DD had a good chat over Christmas, and I said she didn't have to stay there if she was really unhappy (which she is, she sees no joy in anything anymore, and talks about death a lot, albeit in a dry, humorous way). She decided she did want to stay and I said if that's the case she really needs to dig deep and make a real effort to go every day, but that only lasted a week before the refusing to go and nights of crying and wailing started again. Attendance has been patchy since then. She is seeing CAMHS but I think it's like putting a band aid on a broken leg for all the help they are. When she has been at school this term, often she has been locking herself in the loos and crying, and has missed lots of lessons.
Earlier this week, when I was worrying about dd and struggling to sleep, I had a light bulb moment and thought home education could be the best way forward. Taking the pressure off her, and drastically reducing the amount of time she spends doing academic stuff I think would make a huge difference to her mental health. I realise she still needs to be learning, but we could do that in a gentler way, and make it a lot more fun. My thoughts are that I could try and get her through perhaps 5 GCSEs over the next 2.5 years, which would be enough to keep her options open. I think being able to spend some quality time with me would also make a massive improvement to her mental health. She worries a lot about how she will cope as an adult, so we could spend time teaching her life skills, which I think would help her confidence.
That's the good points, but the bad ones are that she will miss her friends, I'm sure she'll see them a bit still but it won't be the same as hanging out every day. She is also very lazy and unmotivated, partly because of her depression, which is going to be a challenge. Money may well be a problem, I'm a lone parent who is self employed, and I won't be able to work as much. I may be able to claim more DLA for her though which would help. Another problem is that she may not be able to do an art GCSE from home, because of the controlled assessments, and it is art she is really gifted at and wants to do at college, and possibly uni. I also have MH problems of my own (PTSD), which means I'm not always feeling that capable and motivated myself. I am starting trauma therapy next week though.
It's a huge decision to make, and a massive responsibility for me to take on. I want the best for her, like any parent does, and all I see is her becoming more and more depressed whilst at school. She's really unhappy. My feeling is that she is better off having fewer GCSEs and good mental health than more GSCEs and being messed up. Not that she is guaranteed to get more GCSEs if she stays at school because she misses so many lessons through not being able to cope there.
Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this has been so long!