Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wwyd?

50 replies

Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 14:46

Right so I'm a bit torn on a problem with contact.
My ex-dp is not my DS's bio-dad, but he is my DD's bio dad.
Currently, he sees DS(4) for an hour a week supervised by my lovely SIL
Usually DS is boisterous, bouncy, doesn't listen, hits, kicks and bites, a few behavioural problems that's been noticed both at school and at home. So far nothing I've put in place and school's put in place has worked. He is SEN with GGD, his latest assement puts him with a mental age of 2/2.5
Contact hasn't been on for the past 2 weeks, and DS's behaviour has calmed down loads, there's an insane amount of difference. He's actually listening, less meltdowns, less jumping and climbing on everyone. As you can imagine having a four year old trying to climb on your head bloody hurts, so it's relief it's stopped.
I'm of half a mind that it's the contact stopping that's calmed him down as that's the only thing that's changed.
WIBU to stop the contact completely?

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 01/02/2018 14:50

seems a bit harsh on the two of them tbh.
I mean the contact is supervised right?
Surely there could be some other reason why his behaviour has changed, diet or other?

KatnissMellark · 01/02/2018 14:52

You would be completely unreasonable to stop contact on the basis of what could be a coincidence. You won't have a leg to stand on in court.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 01/02/2018 14:55

A stable routine and consistency will benefit your ds .. And give you a break!!
Make your your ex are on the same page at managing his behaviour - and keep a food diary and look for a pattern.

Pickleypickles · 01/02/2018 15:04

So hes not his biological dad but he still has access now youve split? Does he only see your DD for an hour a week as well? I ask because if its the time he sees them both it might be awkward that DD goes and DS doesnt but if he sees her more anyway then i think do what you think is best for son, but i dont thinkyou can judge whether or not its the contact unless you send him back and see if behaviour worsens again.

Idontdowindows · 01/02/2018 15:09

How long has your ex been in the boy's life? Was he a father figure to the boy? You say he's not the bio-dad, has he at any point adopted the boy or assumed responsibility for him?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:10

He's in a stable routine, the same at school, he's very obsessive about it, meltdowns if the routines not followed that kind of thing
He doesn't have sweets or high sugar foods or junk food (doesn't like the texture of crisps or biscuits)
He doesn't ask for ex-dp when he doesn't see him, doesn't even know he's not seen him, he's not really that bothered about seeing him or not when he doesn't have contact because of the way he is

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 01/02/2018 15:14

You would be completely unreasonable to stop contact on the basis of what could be a coincidence. You won't have a leg to stand on in court.

I assume that since the ex isn't DSs bio dad he has no legal right to contact anyway and the OP was doing it to be kind?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:15

DD goes for 6 hours on Mondays, supervised by his mum (previous issues means it's required, social services advised it)
Both DD and DS see him for an hour on Thursdays
He's been in DS's life since he was 2 and a half,
he's never assumed responsiblity though, DS went to a CM & nursery whilst I was working, he's never done nappy changes or tea or bath time or anything for him (half the reason we split)

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:15

He's not on either of the birth certificates and no adoption btw

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 15:19

So he hasn’t raised DA from birth or anything? He’s only been in his life a year and a half and he has to have supervised visits?

I would stop it. Obviously easy for me to say as I don’t have all the facts or any emotional investment.

Is any of the reason for supervised visits to do with how he tested DS?

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 15:20

Also does DS have any contact with bio Dad?

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:25

Nope not from birth, we were only together a year and a half
We split due to verbal abuse to me, secret alcohol and drug use, ignoring both the kids and their needs, refusal to do anything around the house (we lived together for 5 months)
I've kept them in contact because obviously he was there for a year and a half of DS's life

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:26

No contact on bio dad's part, we were 18 when I fell pregnant, bio dad decided to move away for uni, broke it off, and we've not seen him since

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 01/02/2018 15:27

A year and a half is nothing at that age! That barely even makes him a partner at that stage never mind a step parent with a significant input into your child's development.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:28

I know, just feels a bit weird typing ex boyfriend every time lol

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 15:31

Honestly, I’d stop contact with DS unless DS asked to see him. You’re under no obligation and he only lived with you for 5 months. That’s such a short period of time. If DS is happier do what’s best for him.

blueskyinmarch · 01/02/2018 15:33

If he is not your DS's dad and he has no responsibility for him then i think it is fair enough to stop the contact. It doesn't sound like he was a very good (step)dad when he was around and doesn't add anything positive to your DS's life

RedialCallHold · 01/02/2018 15:36

Maybe try one more session and if previous behaviour returns then knock it on the head, though to be honest if the Ex needs contact to be supervised will he ever be a positive influence on your ds?

MermaidHead · 01/02/2018 15:41

I agree with Nickynacky, although he’s your DDs dad he has had no significant input to your DS’s life and no “right” to contact. Your DS also doesn’t appear to have any bond with him. If I were you I’d let him know that I was stopping contact with my DS and give him my reasons for doing that. Especially if DS appears to be more settled since access has stopped for a couple of weeks.

RedHelenB · 01/02/2018 15:42

I think it's great he wants to see them both and that maybe YABU.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 01/02/2018 15:42

I was thinking I'd be the wicked witch of the west for stopping it, it feels really mean, but ds has been beautifully behaved the past two weeks, well, as well behaved as a pretty much toddler gets haha

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/02/2018 15:43

I hour a week supervised will not be causing behavioural problems so now I m definitely going for YABU.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 01/02/2018 15:43

Be warned op - as a 'child of the family' you may find he would get access. Took me 4 years of a gruelling court case to keep my exh away from my dd 's. Ended up with ptsd and 7 stone.

Nicknacky · 01/02/2018 15:44

Without suggesting you are going to have a stream of boyfriends because I'm not, are you going to allow any future ex's access if you ever split up with them? That would be madness!

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 15:46

I just can’t fathom him being so important that he gets access when you’ve dated him for 18 months and only lived with him for 5 of those (I’m guessing when DD was born?). And he wasn’t particularly hands on. I just don’t understand who thinks he’s entitled to this and why he’s so significant to facilitate this.