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[Queenofthestress]

Right so I'm a bit torn on a problem with contact.
My ex-dp is not my DS's bio-dad, but he is my DD's bio dad.
Currently, he sees DS(4) for an hour a week supervised by my lovely SIL
Usually DS is boisterous, bouncy, doesn't listen, hits, kicks and bites, a few behavioural problems that's been noticed both at school and at home. So far nothing I've put in place and school's put in place has worked. He is SEN with GGD, his latest assement puts him with a mental age of 2/2.5
Contact hasn't been on for the past 2 weeks, and DS's behaviour has calmed down loads, there's an insane amount of difference. He's actually listening, less meltdowns, less jumping and climbing on everyone. As you can imagine having a four year old trying to climb on your head bloody hurts, so it's relief it's stopped.
I'm of half a mind that it's the contact stopping that's calmed him down as that's the only thing that's changed.
WIBU to stop the contact completely?

It is literally the only cause that me, school, and everyone else involved can think of, there is nothing else that anyone can think of that can be causing it,
The solicitor and social have already said that he wouldn't get access, and he'd get the bare minimum access to DD as well if he did take me to court because social would step in

Do what’s best for your DS. Sounds as if stability is essential for him (more so than other kids)

So why are you bothering when it's causing so much upset, stress to both of you and especially if social work is involved?!

He was the only person I've been with in the past four years that was somewhat more than just a couple of dates, he was the first person I actually introduced to DS so I guessed it stemmed from that and being in a bad place when I got the police to remove him after he refused to leave
Beginning to think I've been a bit daft with this really!

Have you asked DS if he wanted to see him on the days he missed? If he said no that’s a pretty clear answer. Don’t let him guilt you into anything.

You’re not being daft, I think you know what you have to do..just need a bit of reassurance..we all do sometimes x

There's no active social services investigation or involvement, but they are available to step in once he applies for parental responsibility
Definitely seeing that I've been bit of a twit with this now I've written that haha
Anyone got any ideas how I can sort this without coming across as a complete cunt?

I would do it through Social Work IF he asks to see him again..wait until he initiates contact..I wouldn’t have any unnecessary contact with him he he’s been violent in the past...You’re a Mum..you’re not paid to be popular 😂

Don’t be hard on yourself.

I think you just say DS seems to have been struggling with the visits so you’ll be seeing how he gets on without them or something m.

You don’t really owe him an explanation as he has no rights so just say what you need to for an easy life.

I would reduce contact altogether, so none with the boy and minimal with the girl.

Put the children first. The grownups can look after themselves.

I'm not popular with them anyway because I won't give them longer than what they get on Mondays or any more time during the week with DD 😂
His mum hates me and so does his best friend, I had a lovely barrage of abuse from his friend over facefuck but screw them 😂
I think I will go with what @MiddleClassProblem said, that's polite and concise, not like they can argue with that

Apparently I was a little sod after I had had access to my mother. I really wish someone had stepped in and stopped access and then let me be adopted instead of a succession of abusive homes. OP, you've tried to be kind but you owe him nothing. I'd stop access. Your dc is behaving better and your ex doesn't sound like he brings anything to your son's life.

I'd stop it now. He's not your ds' dad, or a good step dad and your ds' not bothered. Tell him it was nice of him to try bit it's just not working.

A year and a half is nothing at that age!

I would say the opposite actually. To a child, a year and a half is a very long time. Nearly half his life. To an adult, not so much.

Bah! Sorry, should have read properly If he's not his bio Dad and only known him 1.5yrs, don't bother!

susan Well yes clearly it is when a child is 4 generally. But I was referring to a boyfriend of 18 months which is what we were discussing.

He doesn't sound like someone I'd be leaving my DS with. Why do social services oversee him...? All a bit weird that you are so casual about letting him spend time with DS. particularly as DS does not care!

He's not left alone with him, he's supervised by both my sister in law and occasionally my sister, social services over see because of the drug use and alcohol use, as well as because he tried to attack my ex with a hammer whilst we were together,
God I've really dropped the ball on this haven't I?

I am a bit casual with it because its an hour a week supervised in a soft play center were there's CCTV, if he turns up under the influence of anything, not that he has, but my sister in law would leave straight away

Was he under the influence during the hammer incident?

I don't actually know, I don't think he was
I left him with DS for half an hour whilst I nipped out to a friends, she's literally round the corner, came back, checked on DS because he needed a nappy change, next thing I know there's
pounding on the door downstairs, I hear talking, couldn't really hear what's being said, turn around and there's a police woman standing in DS's room, telling me he's attacked someone with a hammer when they came to the door, turned out he'd lured my ex who'd messaged me on my facebook when I left it up on the computer to mine because he didn't like the fact that he was talking to me and we'd dated briefly before I was pregnant with DS
I was horrifically stupid staying with him even without all the verbal abuse and him spending all of my money on stupid shit, hence why he will never ever be left alone with any of the children, whether his mum thinks he's not a risk or not, if he can do that to a grown man, then what the hell would he do to a small child who cries if he was pissed off

I was the one who called social services myself when we'd split because his mum was harassing me for unsupervised contact with the kids, I had no one who could give me decent advice and wasn't in the posistion to go to a solicitor because he'd left me with no money and cleared out my bank account that morning, so I rang social services and asked what I do because he's obviously a risk if he can do that but he obviously wants a relationship with the kids

That changes it if he's violent.However if he's going to continue seeing dd then I think it should be ds as well as obviously ds is .seen as part of the family byou your inlaws

Given all that you are doing the right thing. And obviously keep visits with DD supervised.

Just don’t be hard on yourself either. The facts written down aren’t how you lived your life so it’s much harder to see in when you’re in it.

School knows what's going on, I've been emailing back and forth with pastoral care about it