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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & I can't agree on this..

68 replies

BananaPancakes4 · 31/01/2018 23:23

DH & I can't agree on this. Will try not to drip feed.
We are moving house & DC are moving schools very soon. Youngest DC wants to attend his last disco at school this Friday evening & oldest DC wants to go to a hockey game in town that we already have tickets for.. DH works nights & starts at 7pm, before both events start. I finish work at 6pm disco is at 6.15 and hockey games 7pm.
So I've arranged with DHs parents to take youngest to school disco & I'll drop DH to work then head to game with oldest... & collect dc2 on way home, sounds fair right?

He has now started an argument over this arrangement saying his parents won't realise they'll have to stay for the hr disco with DC2 (he's 5!!) & they won't want to do that anymore as I just mgs to say could they take him.. (I figured it would be obv as hes only 5!)
DH is saying I should let his dad take dc1 to game and take dc2 to disco and walk home afterwards in the dark, after working all day and DC2 been at school so no doubt knackered after disco... Hmm all because they mightnt want to sit for an hr in a school hall?! I've said if they don't want to then both DC will miss out as it's not fair for 1 to get and not the other.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 31/01/2018 23:54

Esp if they've agreed Already.. to just sit for 1 hr? ..

Have they, though? Agreed to “sit for 1 hr”? Because it sounds as if they’re unaware they’re “sitting fir 1 hr”.

If they’ve agreed, your DH butts out.

If your arrangements have been less specific, he has a point and you need to clarify. And possibly change plans.

Original poster
BananaPancakes4 · 31/01/2018 23:54

Its a 40 minute walk from the school to our house.. Before working I walked the kids to and home from school. But obv not after 7.15pm...

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 31/01/2018 23:56

Bus?

BackforGood · 31/01/2018 23:57

WEll, if FiL usually goes to the game, then I also presume he is a fan and would like to see the game, so it seems to make much more sense to let FiL do what he will enjoy (as he is the one doing you a favour) and you get to do the other one.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2018 23:59

Banana all of this is surely solvable with a conversation between you and PIL?

Your DH is BU for butting in, but you should check they’re genuinely happy with the arrangements.

Job done.

RB68 · 31/01/2018 23:59

Why does DH get to dictate what should and shouldn't happen when he is in work - his parents have agreed, tell him to butt out, spk to PIL and check they realise they will have to stay but its only an hr (jeez I bet they sit that long in the Drs sometimes) and you will come collect him if they want so they can head straight home or alternatively back to yours for tea and cake while kids get ready for bed.

StarWarsFanatic · 01/02/2018 00:02

I don't think it sounds that unreasonable tbh. I would call the GPs to make sure they know they would have to stay for the hour. If they say they didn't realise and don't want to I would let the GF take DC1 to the game but ask if he would drop DP at work or make DP make other arrangements to get to work and take DC2 to the disco. I appreciate it would be nice to spend quality time with DC1 but the GPs would technically be doing you a favour either way. Think DP is a CF though.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2018 00:05

It's possibly the dh dictating, and it's possible the dh is protecting his parents who may be unable they say no to something they don't want to do.

Sounds like there's two jobs that need doing, a shit one and a good one. I think that as the parent to have to do the shit one and be grateful your fil will help you out with the other. I don't think you get to tell them to do the shit one.

Also, if you were good by to pick dc2 up on way home from hockey, why can't fil pick you and dc2 up to save you walking?

And yabu for using the petulant and awful 'I'm right' emoji.

Original poster
BananaPancakes4 · 01/02/2018 00:05

Fil isn't the one paying a fortune every month for the tickets tho... whether he's become a fan or not!
And he has agreed to take dc2 to disco...

DH has started an unnecessary agruement imo as he can't attend the game himself and therefore doesn't like the thot of me going..
I've told him if he can't help with either arrangement then to just butt out..
But if dc end up not getting to go to not make it out to be my doing as along with working long hrs 5 days a wk I arranged it with in-laws so dc could get to go & what's he done.. nowt!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/02/2018 00:11

You sounded totcskky reasonable in your OP but I’m afraid you sound terrible now.

Check with PIL. Do what’s wr they don’t want to do. They do you a favour, your DC get to go to both things, you as parent-in-duty suck up any inconvenience because they’re your DC. Your DP is not parent-on-duty due to working.

halcyondays · 01/02/2018 00:12

I don't think it's obvious that someone would have to stay with him at the disco, at lots of school discos or other events you would just drop them off.

Lashalicious · 01/02/2018 00:12

I don’t know why you don’t want to be the one to take your youngest, 5, to his thing? Let the older child go to hockey with the gp.

Lashalicious · 01/02/2018 00:18

We used to have season tickets to ballgames and it was such a pain. I felt guilty when I didn’t feel like going and I resented having to go to so many games, it seemed like there were games 3x a week, sitting there for hours several evenings a week passively watching other people exercise. I was so happy when we stopped wasting our time and money on them. I would much rather go to the disco for an hour for a special evening (special meaning it doesn’t happen very often) with youngest 5 year old.

Coastalcommand · 01/02/2018 00:23

YABU. Take your younger child to the disco and get a taxi home. What exactly do you think is going to happen?

LolitaLempicka · 01/02/2018 00:24

Where do you normally go on Fridays? Because if FIL normally takes DS1, then I can see why your DH thought that would be a better plan.

StarWarsFanatic · 01/02/2018 00:30

I meant you don't sound unreasonable sorry

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2018 00:42

Do you ever get to go to the games? Could you swap next Friday so that then (when there's no disco) the PILS stay with your 5 yo and you go to the game then?

Inertia · 01/02/2018 00:45

I would check with PIL what they'd prefer to do - it's not obvious that they'd have to stay.

If they'd prefer to go to hockey, then you drop DC1 at PIL before taking DC2 to disco in the car. DH either makes his own way to work, or gets a lift with PIL, or goes at 6pm and hangs around for an hour before his shift.

GreenTulips · 01/02/2018 00:51

I think OP is more annoyed that people aren't 'getting' the point and are suggesting alternatives!

Why shouldn't she beable to take her son to the match if she's paid for the tickets and arranged childcare for the younger one?

PIL were asked if they could do X and they agreed - they could've said no, but they are happy to help.

It's only DH causing problems when none existed!

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 01:00

To me it sounds like you said for PIL to drop DC2 off and then you would pick them up from the disco later ie PIL just leave them and don’t have to stay.

I think you do need to clarify as it sounds confusing. If you want to go to a game with DC1, does it have to be this game? Or maybe do something else another day?

It does sound a bit like you’re over complicating things with both not great communication and mixing up a more regular routine.

SD1978 · 01/02/2018 05:12

I’m a bit on the fence here. You’ve told them to drop your son at the disco and you’ll pick him up. That’s doesn’t mean they assume they will need to stay. You’ve said they won’t be happy staying, and haven’t clarifi d, b cause it’s only an hour and they should realise they need to. No. You’re the one making the plans, you need to make it clear. They are ultimately doing you the favour. They were not there for the conception- they have no obligation to help, so I feel you should be furnishing all the info. You’ve never minded FIL taking your very expensive tickets on other weeks- why now? Is it because you’d rather not attend the disco? Sorry- I’d make sure they know what’s expected, and if they say no, then FIL gets game and you get disco.

MumsGoneToIceland · 01/02/2018 05:31

Phone PIL, check with them that they are aware that they to stay with dc2 at school disco as that’s the school rules and you were not sure if you had made that clear when you asked. If they are fine with it, great, if not happy, then you’ll need to ask them if they are happy to do the hockey run and you’ll have to do disco and decode how you are getting home.

peachgreen · 01/02/2018 05:48

You need to make it clear to PIL what's involved and make a decision from there.

Also it's a bit weird that you won't get a taxi by yourself...

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2018 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattyCat · 01/02/2018 06:05

Grow up and get a taxi.

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