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AIBU?

DH & I can't agree on this..

68 replies

BananaPancakes4 · 31/01/2018 23:23

DH & I can't agree on this. Will try not to drip feed.
We are moving house & DC are moving schools very soon. Youngest DC wants to attend his last disco at school this Friday evening & oldest DC wants to go to a hockey game in town that we already have tickets for.. DH works nights & starts at 7pm, before both events start. I finish work at 6pm disco is at 6.15 and hockey games 7pm.
So I've arranged with DHs parents to take youngest to school disco & I'll drop DH to work then head to game with oldest... & collect dc2 on way home, sounds fair right?

He has now started an argument over this arrangement saying his parents won't realise they'll have to stay for the hr disco with DC2 (he's 5!!) & they won't want to do that anymore as I just mgs to say could they take him.. (I figured it would be obv as hes only 5!)
DH is saying I should let his dad take dc1 to game and take dc2 to disco and walk home afterwards in the dark, after working all day and DC2 been at school so no doubt knackered after disco... all because they mightnt want to sit for an hr in a school hall?! I've said if they don't want to then both DC will miss out as it's not fair for 1 to get and not the other.

OP posts:

Report

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/02/2018 14:36

YABU; you didn’t make it explicitly clear to PIL that they’d have to stay, so when they found out when they were there they would be stuck in the situation.

Your reasoning that you don’t want to walk home late, perfectly reasonable. Your reasoning that you don’t want to take a taxi is very unreasonable; you’re putting them out because you don’t want to take a taxi.

babyccinoo · 01/02/2018 14:10

DH sounds petty. Start a thread about him.

Lashalicious · 01/02/2018 13:59

If I were your dh, I would be jealous that I couldn’t go to 5 year old son’s last disco at his old school, not the hockey match. There will be plenty more hockey matches. Bizarre!

Lashalicious · 01/02/2018 13:58

This is your youngest son’s last event at his school, a disco he is looking forward to. There is no way I’d miss that, and miss his little dance moves and having fun with his friends. It’s just an hour, it sounds tons more fun than having to go to a boring hockey match watching people you don’t even know; there will be plenty of other hockey matches, you can go to the next twenty with your older dear son. I don’t get why you don’t want to go to the disco. It’s just the one time and last time you will get to see ds at that age with his buds.

BananaPancakes4 · 01/02/2018 08:53

Have spoken to dc1s teacher and she says some parents do leave but it's recommended that they stay..
Mgd FIL to say it'd be after 9 before I can collect dc1 and he's replied that's ok.

Although I'd like them to stay will be happy enough with them helping out & will let them decide if they stay or leave him...

(Def think DH is just a bit jealous..& therefore through a spanner in the work's..)

OP posts:

Marcine · 01/02/2018 08:01

You need to call your pil and check they are happy to stay at the disco. If they are then no problem.
If not then you go to the disco and walk or taxi home.

InfiniteSheldon · 01/02/2018 07:55

You've been a bit manipulativevhere haven't you. Your dh is right to call you on it. Be honest tell the grandparents you are tired and really don't want to walk home so would they mind staying. Most situations can be resolved with honesty.

taza87 · 01/02/2018 07:45

All you can do is ask PIL. There might not be an issue. You haven't made it obvious that they need to stay because you've said you'll collect your DC.

Ask them to stay, see what the response is and go from there

FluffyWhiteTowels · 01/02/2018 07:36

Your PiL are helping you out. They get to choose their preference and it's sounds as though FiL doing the game is already a precedent for Friday evenings.

I think YABU. Sorry

SandyDenny · 01/02/2018 07:12

Is your school disco a silent one? There's no way anyone could “have a natter” at my DCs, it's deafening.

Until you know if the PILs are happy to stay you don't know if there's even an issue

HotelEuphoria · 01/02/2018 06:54

I know I am completely missing the point and not being helpful, but I would be quite happy to sit in the school disco, have a natter and watch the little ones boogie. Standing and watching a hockey match makes me shudder. Football would be possibly the only thing worse.

I would also walk home at 7:30 in the dark or get a taxi, but I accept not everyone lives in a safe area.

MagicWillHappen · 01/02/2018 06:52

Yabu and I don't think it's 'obvious' that PIL will have to stay at the disco at all.

Our primary does discos from Reception and all dc are dropped at the door.

TidyDancer · 01/02/2018 06:48

I think YABU OP. You need your PIL to do you a favour, you should've been clear with them what that involved. Your DH has pointed out that you haven't been clear with them. Your DH may be being an arse about it regarding his motivations, but he's not actually wrong. Your PIL may be silly in their reasons for possibly not wanting to stay at the disco, but again, they are doing you a favour so they shouldn't really be put in a position to do what they don't want to do (whatever their reasons for this).

The solution here is you either make it very clear what you are asking them to do and then give them the choice to say no, or you just automatically swap and you do the disco and PIL do the game. Your taxi comment (unless there is a drip feed backstory coming) is weird and not really a valid excuse.

Canyouguess · 01/02/2018 06:37

Just makes me jealous you have family help!

Single mum and no family support whatsoever. I’d be screwed in this scenario!

KayaG · 01/02/2018 06:35

I think you need to make it clear that they have to stay. They may have thought they could drop and go somewhere for a coffee. If you want their help you have to be clear about what is involved.

larrygrylls · 01/02/2018 06:16

If they have said yes in the full knowledge that they have to stay, your husband had not got a leg to stand on and you should go and enjoy the game.

On the other hand, it is not ‘obvious’ that they will have to stay ‘because he is 5’ as it is on school premises. There are plenty of staffed school events for youngsters where adults do not need to stay. Equally your passive aggressive comment ‘is it really too much to ask?’ sounds very entitled. If you are asking for a favour, that is not your decision to make.

The solution is for you to call your parents in law and discuss it like an adult, using actual voices. That way you can gauge how they feel and respond accordingly. If they really don’t mind, go out and have a great evening with your oldest. If they would much prefer to go to the game you really should suck up the school disco. As you say ‘it is only 1 hour’...

babyccinoo · 01/02/2018 06:11

I agree with GreenTulips, sexism is coming into play here.

babyccinoo · 01/02/2018 06:08

Why should OP never get to take her DC1 to hockey? She has said she wants the one to one time with him that she rarely gets.

PIL have agreed to take DC2 to disco and have taken him before and stayed, so presumably know they have to stay this time too. All OP needs to do is confirm that with them.

DH has started an unnecessary agruement imo as he can't attend the game himself and therefore doesn't like the thot of me going..
I've told him if he can't help with either arrangement then to just butt out.

This is the real issue here. You have a DH who resents you. Is he selfish in other ways? Does he often argue for no reason?

Well done for tellng him to butt out.

TattyCat · 01/02/2018 06:05

Grow up and get a taxi.

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2018 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peachgreen · 01/02/2018 05:48

You need to make it clear to PIL what's involved and make a decision from there.

Also it's a bit weird that you won't get a taxi by yourself...

MumsGoneToIceland · 01/02/2018 05:31

Phone PIL, check with them that they are aware that they to stay with dc2 at school disco as that’s the school rules and you were not sure if you had made that clear when you asked. If they are fine with it, great, if not happy, then you’ll need to ask them if they are happy to do the hockey run and you’ll have to do disco and decode how you are getting home.

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SD1978 · 01/02/2018 05:12

I’m a bit on the fence here. You’ve told them to drop your son at the disco and you’ll pick him up. That’s doesn’t mean they assume they will need to stay. You’ve said they won’t be happy staying, and haven’t clarifi d, b cause it’s only an hour and they should realise they need to. No. You’re the one making the plans, you need to make it clear. They are ultimately doing you the favour. They were not there for the conception- they have no obligation to help, so I feel you should be furnishing all the info. You’ve never minded FIL taking your very expensive tickets on other weeks- why now? Is it because you’d rather not attend the disco? Sorry- I’d make sure they know what’s expected, and if they say no, then FIL gets game and you get disco.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 01:00

To me it sounds like you said for PIL to drop DC2 off and then you would pick them up from the disco later ie PIL just leave them and don’t have to stay.

I think you do need to clarify as it sounds confusing. If you want to go to a game with DC1, does it have to be this game? Or maybe do something else another day?

It does sound a bit like you’re over complicating things with both not great communication and mixing up a more regular routine.

GreenTulips · 01/02/2018 00:51

I think OP is more annoyed that people aren't 'getting' the point and are suggesting alternatives!

Why shouldn't she beable to take her son to the match if she's paid for the tickets and arranged childcare for the younger one?

PIL were asked if they could do X and they agreed - they could've said no, but they are happy to help.

It's only DH causing problems when none existed!

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