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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my friend to join my hobby group

33 replies

runningoutofchocolate · 31/01/2018 18:20

I have a friend who is planning to join in with a hobby group that I attend once a fortnight. I feel horrible writing this, but I don't want her to!

Bit of background: We met around 8 years ago when our kids attended the same nursery and have been friends ever since. DCs go to the same school, we live close to each other, have lots of friends in common within a closeknit school community. She is lovely - great sense of humour, helpful, always full of good ideas. She is also quite a strong character - opinionated, likes a good gossip, one of these people who "call a spade for a spade" and, I guess, sometimes rub people up the wrong way, but a briliant networker at the same time. Never stops talking :-) I, on the other hand, am a lot more quiet, have fewer but closer friends, am less, ahem, confrontational and more of a listener than a talker. Different as we are, we get on very well. Meet up for drinks a couple of times a month, and I always feel inspired by her enthusiasm and ideas, but also drained because she is so intense and I'm quite an introvert.

Anyway, I have found a hobby that I absolutely love. It has nothing to do with my usual work / school social circle - just a lovely group of diverse but likeminded people who spend some time together every other week to pursue quite a niche, quiet hobby (think gardening or poetry writing). I have told her about this hobby and how much I enjoy it - and now she wants to join as well. The idea of this makes me shudder..!

I've never been someone who enjoys introducing different groups of friends to each other. I like to have my social circle nicely compartmentalised, into work mates, friends from kids' school, other friends, and friends shared with DH. My hobby group is a bit of a sanctuary for me where I show a different side of myself that has nothing to do with motherhood or work. Nothing massively embarrassing, just a different, slightly more bonkers, me. If she came to my group I know all the other mums at my kids school would find out about "bonkers me"..! Also, it would change the dynamics of the group, as she tends to demand a lot of attention.

I know I should have just kept my mouth shut about my lovely hobby, but it's too late now. Help! What do I do?

OP posts:

BulletFox · 31/01/2018 18:22

I can understand how you feel. Did she have any interest in the subject before you mentioned the group?

Fishface77 · 31/01/2018 18:22

Just say you’ll let her know when your next meeting up. And don’t.

blueskyinmarch · 31/01/2018 18:25

Could you tell he the numbers are limited and there is no space or that all new members have to be agreed by the whole group then tell her the group decided they were good just as they are?

ChasedByBees · 31/01/2018 18:26

Is it definitely an open to new members sort of group? I can understand but also don’t know how you get out of it now.

Maverick66 · 31/01/2018 18:26

I have no advice but I feel your pain.
I too have this problem.
Said friend can do what she likes when she likes but I have to include her in everything.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/01/2018 18:27

Arrgh I'd hate that! I'd want to shout, "for the love of god, can I have NOTHING to myself?!"

turophile · 31/01/2018 18:28

I was exactly the same when one of my work friends wanted to come and do my hobby with me. I like to keep stuff like that for myself!

NancyDonahue · 31/01/2018 18:28

How annoying. Fellow introvert here so I understand completely about energy suckers. Not sure what you can do. Hope she gets bored and gives up? Tell her it's full?

Thequeenisdeadboys · 31/01/2018 18:29

Could this be Life Drawing ?? Anyway, I'm afraid I don't agree with you here. She's entitled to get involved in whatever she likes. Maybe you should have just kept schtum If you were that bothered about her joining in..but you must have known she was likely to have wanted to become involved. I also think she sounds great !

Original poster

runningoutofchocolate · 31/01/2018 18:29

No, she didn't have any interest in the subject before I told her! And yes, unfortunately it is an open group, there is even a website posting details of the time and place of our meetups, inviting along new members

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 31/01/2018 18:30

I think you need to explain fully. If she's a good friend she will understand.

Saltandsauce · 31/01/2018 18:30

Live and let live! You can’t stop her from going, so try and get over your anxiety about the situation. It probably won’t be as bad as you think! Xx

ButteredScone · 31/01/2018 18:32

To be fair, it doesn’t sound like she’s clinging on to you. It sounds like she genuinely fancies going to the hobby.

There’s nothing you can do, really. You can not tell her the info but she’ll find out. I think you will just have to decide to enjoy it anyway. It’s just part of life - you’ll only waste your own time if you get stressed by it and resentful.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/01/2018 18:32

She might not like the quiet atmosphere and won't go with it. I'm not sure if you can stop her as such but a good friend would sound you out first. You could be honest and say she wouldn't be a good fit for the group or would find it boring?

Original poster

runningoutofchocolate · 31/01/2018 18:35

Not life drawing queen:-) I agree with that I should have kept schtum, but it never occured to me that she would join in! She has so many other exciting hobbies already. I know she sounds great - that's because she is. She is like a loooooovely rich chocolate cake - fantastic on her own, but not every day and not as an ingredient in a completely unrelated dish. You wouldn't put chocolate cake in a salad, would you :-)

OP posts:

Felixandtheflippers · 31/01/2018 18:35

I have felt this before- in the end it has worked out completely fine! I am with you- I act differently in front of different people. When my friend joined my hobby group I found out that I actually could act like that in front of her- it gave me a lot more confidence to be my true self and she also made friends with lots of my hobby friends- we now enjoy time together.

BulletFox · 31/01/2018 18:36

The friend sounds like a nice person, and a good friend, but it does come across a bit that OP feels a bit constricted at times by her company.

OP I'd probably explain to her that you want to go on your own, as nicely as possible, although obv you can't stop her

It might have just been a chance remark anyway.

Trying2bgd · 31/01/2018 18:39

I hear you and feel for you but like other pp have said there is nothing you can do. Just have to hope she doesn’t take to it and gives it up after a few weeks!!

Original poster

runningoutofchocolate · 31/01/2018 18:45

Good to hear I am not the only one who sometimes feels like this! I can't stop her of course - may drop some subtle hints about how I enjoy the group because it is completely unrelated to everything else in my life. If she doesn't get the hint, I'll just have to grin and bear it, won't I? I'd tone down some of my contributions to the group when she is there though ... or grow a thicker skin and stop caring I suppose!

OP posts:

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 31/01/2018 18:45

running your friend sounds a bit like me although I know it's not actually me, cos I've got no plans to take up a new hobby right now

Honestly, if my quieter pal told me they'd rather go to the hobby on their own, I don't think I'd be offended. I hope I'd pick up on their reluctance signals first though!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 31/01/2018 18:48

I get it. I don't have any hobbies or friends anywhere near me but I get it. Unfortunately, I have no idea how you would get around it other than to be blunt. I don't think I could be blunt but if she is a person who says it how it is, I reckon she may get it and there won't be any hard feelings. Would she be blunt with you in the same situation? If so, I think that's your answer.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 31/01/2018 18:51

Now I'm really intrigued as to what this hobby is ! G'waaan, tell us ?

Notonthestairs · 31/01/2018 18:53

I think you might have to accept that she joins but she sounds a bit flighty so she might not stay the distance and end up leaving!

museumum · 31/01/2018 18:55

Please tell us what’s quite like gardening but also a bit bonkers????

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/01/2018 18:58

I think you should just say to her that you like going there on your own and you would feel really unconfortable joining in fully if someone you knew outside of there went too and that maybe there’s another ‘club’ near her/in x village/on another night if she fancies taking this hobby up too. I’d understand if a friend said that to me, but then I’d have the sensitivity not to barge in on my friends activities unless they ask if I fancy going.

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