to not want my friend to join my hobby group

[runningoutofchocolate]

I have a friend who is planning to join in with a hobby group that I attend once a fortnight. I feel horrible writing this, but I don't want her to!

Bit of background: We met around 8 years ago when our kids attended the same nursery and have been friends ever since. DCs go to the same school, we live close to each other, have lots of friends in common within a closeknit school community. She is lovely - great sense of humour, helpful, always full of good ideas. She is also quite a strong character - opinionated, likes a good gossip, one of these people who "call a spade for a spade" and, I guess, sometimes rub people up the wrong way, but a briliant networker at the same time. Never stops talking :-) I, on the other hand, am a lot more quiet, have fewer but closer friends, am less, ahem, confrontational and more of a listener than a talker. Different as we are, we get on very well. Meet up for drinks a couple of times a month, and I always feel inspired by her enthusiasm and ideas, but also drained because she is so intense and I'm quite an introvert.

Anyway, I have found a hobby that I absolutely love. It has nothing to do with my usual work / school social circle - just a lovely group of diverse but likeminded people who spend some time together every other week to pursue quite a niche, quiet hobby (think gardening or poetry writing). I have told her about this hobby and how much I enjoy it - and now she wants to join as well. The idea of this makes me shudder..!

I've never been someone who enjoys introducing different groups of friends to each other. I like to have my social circle nicely compartmentalised, into work mates, friends from kids' school, other friends, and friends shared with DH. My hobby group is a bit of a sanctuary for me where I show a different side of myself that has nothing to do with motherhood or work. Nothing massively embarrassing, just a different, slightly more bonkers, me. If she came to my group I know all the other mums at my kids school would find out about "bonkers me"..! Also, it would change the dynamics of the group, as she tends to demand a lot of attention.

I know I should have just kept my mouth shut about my lovely hobby, but it's too late now. Help! What do I do?

Museummum and queen - I know my hobby sounds really mysterious. Don't want to give too much away in case she is on here too. But the hobby is nothing out of the ordinary - definitely quiet! It's me that's a bit bonkers, not the hobby itself. Let's say if it was gardening, I would be cutting hedges into phallic shapes. That kind of thing of bonkers... sorry to disappoint!

I know how you feel. It’s almost like you want something that’s yours away from your usual chaos. When I was a teenager I had a lot going on. I had my school friends, my neighbourhood friends, my scout friends and my primary school friends who I was close with. Never really interacted with the other purely because I didn’t let them. Some of the neighbour hood kids were in my high school but many were the year below so in school we didn’t really interact apart from the odd hello. Even my school friends were split into 3 Different friendship groups. Trying to juggle my time was hard but I always managed . If it meant that I left my house on Friday evening and never came back to Sunday night because I was trying to please everyone. Once or twice my school friend entertained joining my scouts and I did everything to discourage them. I just wanted something that was mine away from school and not to mention one of my best friend in scouts was also my bf. I’m like you OP quieter than most of my friends but always like the chill one keeping everything in order. Maybe try to discourage her from going. Get inventive 😊

Pottery is my guess. Anyway, it’s really crap that she’s thinking about coming. Maybe she won’t get around to it? Maybe she’ll come for half a term then give up?

I wouldn't say to her face you don't want her there unless you so badly don't want her there you're prepared to fall out over it ... l'm pretty laid back and hard to offend but that would offend me.

I do know what you mean, though - l hate mixing friendship groups! ( Shivers slightly at the memory of cheerfully oblivious bike club mate entertaining the PTA with stories of our speed fueled shenanigans back in the day )

There is nothing you can do, sit back & see what happens. She may not like the hobby, get bored after a while or stay forever.

An alternative is to leave but that would seem a shame 😉

I had a similar experience- horrible 💐

Hopefully she won't get round to it but, in case she mentions it again - if she is the type to call a spade a spade - well use that to your advantage.

Tell her that much as you like her, you absolutely love having this group as a separate thing from the rest of yoru life and social groups. 99% of people would understand that and not be offended. Rather than spoil this hobby that you enjoy so much, I think it would be worth being brave and just telling her. You can say it nicely I am sure.

YANBU, but I am not sure how you deal with this without upsetting her.

Maybe just say you are not going anymore?

I know what you mean about keeping relationships 'compartmentalised.'

I remember one of my daughter's schoolmates mums adding me as a FB friend a few years ago, (after I had spoken to her for 3 minutes -once!) and I was too polite/dumb to decline, and another FB friend of mine who is a penpal from Canada, commented on a pic I put on of Tom Hardy, and this school mum commented too! And they started chatting and having loads of banter, and then were FB friends within minutes!

The fact that I had had a few issues with friends of my daughter (when they fell out,) made me feel really uneasy. And I didn't like them being 'friends.' She then proceeded to add 1 more person - 1 work colleague of mine, and then I got messages from 2 relatives asking who she was as they had had a friend request from her!

At that point, I quickly deactivated my facebook, so she had no more access to my friends list!

Sounds petty, but in real life, a mum at the school, would not be communicating with/meeting a penpal of mine from Canada, or my cousin and aunt, or the girl who works opposite me at work! So why should she be communicating with them here? She didn't know them FFS.

Feckless, don't say that - your Bike club mate / PTA situation sounds exactly like the kind of scenario I would like to avoid

Sophisticated, you certainly sound like me! Get inventive... now there's a challenge! It has crossed my mind to encourage her towards a completely different activity instead and perhaps even join myself (if she wants me to!). If we joined a new activity together it would be less awkward, and should divert her attention away from my primary hobby!