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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think enough is enough?

58 replies

Scrambledheads · 31/01/2018 18:18

Need opinions. Separated from stbxh a year ago and made sure he saw ds5 and dd3 regularly. He had to move in with a family member so he saw the kids at my house and I left.
After around 6 months of regular contact, I got a phone call from him saying ds had hurt his arm and could I come home and have a look. (I'm a nurse). When I arrived he was screaming in pain and had very clearly dislocated his elbow. Took him to a&e who popped it back to normal. Stbxh said he had grabbed him to stop him falling off the sofa when playing and this had happened.
About a month later I discover a large, bleeding carpet burn on ds chest. Apparently this was the result of play fighting. I reminded stbxh to be careful.
A month after that stbxh told me that ds had wet himself just before bedtime. He said it was out of the blue and didn't know why, but when I asked ds, he said daddy had shouted at him for getting out of bed and scared him and he'd had an accident.
Fast forward to this week and I come back to another carpet burn on ds chest. More rough playing apparently. Stbxh got an earful but he never heeds my advice.
AIBU to think this is too many incidents after being repeatedly warned? I expect bruises and bumps in a child of his age but he very rarely has those, even when playing with friends, and it seems to happen a lot with his father. Scaring him into setting himself is another issue.
As DS had an asthma check up this week, his gp saw the burn and made a face. She said she'd have to make a note of it as she'd seen it.
AIBU to worry about leaving the children with stbxh? Am I being too protective or not taking this seriously enough.?

OP posts:
Scrambledheads · 31/01/2018 18:45

Ds says they were playing, but that the burn hurt (which obviously it would). I have obviously told him not to drag ds along the floor (common bloody sense) but this week is the second time and when paired with the other things, all within 6 months, I’m worried.

OP posts:
PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 31/01/2018 18:46

How did he get carpet burns? It takes quite a lot of pressure and wouldn't be have had clothes on?

If you don't stop contact, definitely set up a camera and stay very close to home

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 31/01/2018 18:47

Xpost

MistyMinge · 31/01/2018 18:50

I'm not sure the OP deserves a flaming. I can see why you might be inclined to believe the reasons behind the first couple of incidents, especially if you had no prior concerns. You are now rightly concerned after 2 more. I would try and gently probe your son to see if you can find anything out, but ultimately I think you need to report your concerns to a doctor or social services.

Did your ex have a quick temper with your DS when you lived together?

Has your DD been ok?

agentdaisy · 31/01/2018 18:51

The dislocated elbow and a less severe carpet burn could have happened by accident. I accidentally dislocated dds elbow when she tripped going down stairs and I had hold of her hand, I felt awful for weeks, dh accidentally gave ds a carpet burn when they were messing about with ds crawling away and dh pulling him back, though it was a small carpet burn and wasn't severe enough to bleed.

However, the fact that one child has had a dislocated elbow and two carpet burns severe enough to bleed within a couple of months, plus scaring a 5 year old enough that the wet them self is ringing huge alarm bells.

I'd be taking ds to the gp and asking their advice and getting him checked out properly. I'd leave asking ds how these injuries happened to trained gp/social worker/police officer (if it comes to that) as its incredibly easy to alter memories of incidents.

I'd be stopping unsupervised access straight away or if that isn't possible setting up hidden cameras. It may be that your ex is telling the truth and it was just stupid behaviour to blame but it could also be the start of child abuse. If it was purely accidental then your ex needs a parenting course to learn how to play with your ds without causing injuries every few weeks.

Rudeolf · 31/01/2018 18:55

Scaring a child so much that they wet themselves would be enough for me.

Redwineistasty · 31/01/2018 18:58

If your exh is anything like my Bil then I’d also think that they were genuinely from play fighting.
My bil is a bit immature and always goes too far when playing with his kids. They usually end up crying and my sis ends up telling him off!

Redwineistasty · 31/01/2018 18:58

Bil has never made his dc wet themselves though. That’s truly awful Sad

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 31/01/2018 19:00

My husband sometimes roughhouses with our three boys and IMO can be a little rough. No one has ever had an injury. This is concerning.

Scrambledheads · 31/01/2018 19:18

Dd tends to be left in nappies too long but aside from that she has been fine.

OP posts:
generalleiaorgana · 31/01/2018 21:04

This sounds concerning to me too. Sorry OP. Especially as he can't be with them very long?

Scrambledheads · 31/01/2018 23:31

Thank you for replies, some of you think I'm stupid but i have never witnessed any of these incidents and stbxh gives plausible explanations but after speaking to ds, these don't match up. Ds does not want to see his father since the latest incident which is unusual but hardly surprising considering. I will be contacting ss

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 01/02/2018 00:02

Wtf this has to be a joke!! I have two boys of the exact same age and believe me they fight like cat and dog yet have never had any of the injuries you've described!! A couple of scratches from each other at most. This is not normal and I'm sorry as a nurse I bet if this was another parent bringing a child in to see you with this many injuries you would be ringing ss!

ThisLittleKitty · 01/02/2018 00:04

In nappies at 3??

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 01/02/2018 00:05

OP has already said she's going to call SS.

Plenty of children are still in nappies at 3 btw

ToesInWater · 01/02/2018 08:37

If you told what you have posted here to a mandatory reporter they would have to make a report. I think that gives you an idea about how unacceptable the behaviour is. Your DS not wanting to see his dad is also worrying. I totally understand you not wanting to rock the boat unnecessarily re. contact but if you can't keep your son safe who will. Good luck.

MatildaTheCat · 01/02/2018 09:13

These are nasty injuries. Your ex clearly has no idea of safe play and boundaries. He hasn’t ‘been more careful ‘ despite some pretty serious incidents so he needs to be investigated and his contact needs to be supervised.

The children need protection. End of.

Why exactly is he an ex? Any previous signs of aggression or inappropriate force?

Scrambledheads · 01/02/2018 11:07

Contacted SS this morning. They were completely uninterested. They said these injuries can be explained and as such wasn't deliberate harm. Also that making him wet himself through shouting wasn't abuse. Made me feel like an idiot, as I suspected.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 01/02/2018 11:34

Then it's hidden camera time darling. Honestly, it is. Even tiny ones cost next to nothing now and they connect with apps on your phone.

It's your house, so you can record what you like there.

ToesInWater · 01/02/2018 13:47

At least you have logged it but I'm sorry they made you feel stupid. I can't believe that someone who works in social services thinks that shouting at a kid and making him so scared he wets himself is not abusive behaviour. The whole "we see worse" thing does not make it ok. I guess all you can do is keep a close eye on the situation and do keep a diary of any further incidents. Is your relationship with your ex such that you could have a conversation with him to let him know that your son was scared and is not wanting to see him - making it clear that you want to work with him to develop strategies to deal with situations he finds challenging rather than having a go?

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 01/02/2018 18:16

Argh, how frustrating. I imagine it didn't reach threshold.

Definitely hidden camera time. You can get apps that can turn an old phone into a camera, which you can then watch on your phone.

barefoofdoctor · 01/02/2018 19:23

Only option is hidden cameras as PPs have said. Get them all over the house.

generalleiaorgana · 02/02/2018 08:59

Scrambled - my mum is a social worker (fostering & adoption) and yeah she says you'd need to prove it was deliberate. So sorry they didn't help at all. I was shocked cos I know if a fostered kid has these injuries they would be taken v seriously! I hope it can be sorted out (preferably with some conversations rather than cameras). Good luck xxx

RadioGaGoo · 02/02/2018 10:04

ThisLittleKitty. Are you missing the point of this thread or just being a dick for the sake of it?

Good move OP and good luck.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 02/02/2018 10:24

We'll despite their disinterest they will have noted your concerns.
If DS doesn't want to go anyway then please don't make him, shouting at him so severely that he wet himself is extremely concerning-add that to the injuries & you have good enough reason not to send him. Poor little boy Sad

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