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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums money

58 replies

oldguygirl · 31/01/2018 17:42

My mum passed away two weeks ago at 78. My mum would never discuss death - she left no instructions for funeral and no will.
I have two half sisters that I was brought up with- my dad was still married to my mum. My dad and my half sisters have had a difficult relationship over the years. It's definitely a case that they are all as bad as each other.
My Mum has approx £6k in an account in her name-my dad is in the process of getting access to this account .
He has decided that this money is to be used to pay for her funeral (even though they had plenty of 'their' money from the sale of a house.
He has not said what will happen to any money that may be
Left over (if any).
I feel that this money should be split between her three daughters (obviously that includes me). I don't personally care if I get anything but as the other two are never going to get any inheritance from my Dad and this is my Mums money surely my sisters should get something even if that just a couple of hundred quid.
I haven't spoken to my Dad yet I am waiting to see funeral costs first and I'm not sure I will want his response just yet as he is likely to tell me to get lost. It seems crap that he is allowed to make this decision to exclude them but as her next of kin - he does and will do it out of spite.

Am I being totally unreasonable or does this make sense. I'd like some (kind please) other perspective it on it.

OP posts:
KanielOutis · 31/01/2018 18:25

When it's your mums estate, you want to share with your sisters, but when it's your dads estate you want it all. You're clearly after what you see as your share, and are using your sisters to justify that. When the whole estate is due to you, you want to go follow the deceased's wishes.

CoolCarrie · 31/01/2018 18:29

Sorry for your loss, op.

As your parents were married the money in your mum’s account goes to your Dad as he is next of kin. Depending on what type of funeral is chosen there would be much money left from your mum’s estate.
I think your best plan is to speak frankly to your dad about all of this.

Cantspell2 · 31/01/2018 18:36

£6k will be eaten up in funeral costs and maybe more if going for a burial.
Even though it was in an account in her name surely it was joint family money as they were married and so all assets belong to them both jointly?

Original poster
oldguygirl · 31/01/2018 18:36

Lets just how he doesn’t make a will - if doesn’t then I will share it with them. Or I’ll give it all
To a one legged deaf cat charity. I hope you all have lovely happy families that love each other - some of us have nasty narcissistic fathers and spiteful sisters . Oh and a mother who had levy body dementia and the only reason that she has any ‘savings’ is that she couldn’t bloody spend it . Shame on me to consider people who wouldn’t give me a seconds thought.

OP posts:
ThePinkPanter · 31/01/2018 18:38

I doubt there'll be much left after paying for the funeral.

grannytomine · 31/01/2018 18:41

oldgirlguy he may not want you to share "his" money but what would your mum have wanted? If it was me I would regard half of what he leaves as "his" and half as your mums and then I would split mums half with my sisters.

grannytomine · 31/01/2018 18:45

oldguygirl I suggested the above as it seems fair and you would be honouring his wishes for "his" money. I know it is all legally his but morally half was your mums.

Unfortunately money causes lots of problems. I know someone who was in a similar position to you, father died and left it all to his daughter with instructions that she could give some to her siblings. She offered them a couple of thousand each, she inherited about £200,000. She decided they were ungrateful when they didn't thank her enough so she kept it all, and lots her siblings.

Families can be difficult.

Scribblegirl · 31/01/2018 18:46

OP I would leave it for now and as and when your dad passes, make gifts to your sisters from his estate but very clearly say that it's their portion of your mum's estate just delayed. Wouldn't be going against your dads wishes if you consider it their portion of hers.

GooodMythicalMorning · 31/01/2018 18:47

It's your dad's money now. That's how it works when you get married unless you have a will specifying otherwise.

Scribblegirl · 31/01/2018 18:47

Xpost, I agree.

Tainbri · 31/01/2018 18:57

Sorry for your loss. Sadly this type of situation is exactly why people should make wills and when they're young and healthy enough to consider it properly. The only thing you can hope for is an amicable conversation with your father. Good luck.

Cantspell2 · 31/01/2018 18:57

It is a bit off to be worrying about division of your dads estate. The man is still alive and who is to say if there will even be any money left once he dies or that he leaves it to the op.

Op has asked for others perspective on her dad using money from her mums sole account for funeral costs. Has been told by all this is perfectly normal but still doesn’t like/accept this. In either case it doesn’t matter as it is now his money.

isadoradancing123 · 31/01/2018 19:01

If he has plenty of money besides then I think he is being spiteful to use this money

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 19:05

So very sorry for your loss, OP. My parents had completely separate finances and, had my mum died first, this is precisely what my dad would have done. Ultimately the family money will come to you at which point it will be YOURS and you will be able to correct the wrong you think has been done here.

pigeondujour · 31/01/2018 19:07

When you say he was still married to her, do you mean they were together or separated but still legally married?

Shen0102 · 31/01/2018 19:16

you must be underestimating how much funerals costs... £6k won't even make a dent if you want a nice average funeral.

also when someone dies the money goes to the next of kin ..if she was married it will go to the husband. it's just how things are.

RussellHobb · 31/01/2018 19:18

If I were you, I would let him use the money for the funeral, 3k is a minimum amount I'd say.
Then don't say anything to anyone, I'd give my sister's a third once he dies. If you inherit 100%, I'd simply divide it equally between you. If there are no other siblings, you could do it easily?
Once you have inherited, it's not your father's money, it's yours.

BellyBean · 31/01/2018 19:24

Assuming they were still married I don't understand why you're expecting any money, i certainly didn't expect it when my mum died.

I am concerned I won't get anything when my dad dies as he remarried a younger woman and I don't know the details of their wills, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 19:29

Someone's been ripped off by funeral directors. Both my parents had funerals that were for them. I didn't look at a single price tag and they each came in with change from £5k.

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 19:30

Were perfect for them.

UrsulaPandress · 31/01/2018 19:30

When mum died I got nothing - well, I got her jewellery, and dad offloaded most of her kitchen stuff on me.

When dad died, my db and I inherited from him.

Atalune · 31/01/2018 20:26

op I’m
Sorry if my words upset you. I really am.

My mum does in November and my brother has spent his inheritance 1000 times and is constantly on at me to finalise the estate and complete probate. It’s not nice.

So I am very possibly projecting.

Flowers
Atalune · 31/01/2018 20:27

**Died.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2018 20:52

OP, sorry for your loss. You sound nice and caring although you will have to allow that as it is, your df is the beneficiary of the will and he can do as he pleases.

From a pragmatic point of view I suggest you keep quiet and stay friends with your df and encourage him to have a will. Then when he dies and, assuming you are his beneficiary, divide the estate as you see best. Unfortunately even then you may find that there are squabbles.

Money really does bring out the worst in people. I hope the funeral goes well and you can all remain on good terms. As an aside, we had no change from £10k for my MIls funeral very recently.

katienana · 01/02/2018 07:29

Ignore the mean comments op, but accept there is little you can do about sharing money for the time being. You could gently mention jewellery to your dad perhaps there is something off your mums you would like to wear to the funeral? That would be a good way to raise the subject.

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