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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and dying MIL

31 replies

ciele · 31/01/2018 16:30

My lovely MIL is dying. We were told before Christmas it wouldn’t be long and she is now unconscious and deteriorating rapidly.
We live in the middle of the country and DH had work in one end booked, he’s self employed.
MIL and SIL are the other end.
We were told on Tuesday MIL was very ill. I wanted DH to go and see her and also to offer support to my SIL who is doing the main amount of care.
DH has form for being extremely detached from emotions, unless drinking.
I said it was entirely his choice and he came out with what I thought were excuses why he couldn’t go and in fact took the train in the opposite direction.
Do you think AIBU?

OP posts:

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 16:32

Poor old boy. He can't face it and thinks if he pretends it's not happening it's not real. Can you go with him? It'll be far worse if he doesn't see her before she goes. Poor you too.

PinkHeart5914 · 31/01/2018 16:33

Yes I think your being unreasonable, it’s his mother that is ill so if he goes to see her and how he deals with it is entirely up to him.

Knowing a relative is going to die and grief do different things to people.

Laiste · 31/01/2018 16:34

Well there could be a number of reasons that he doesn't want to rush to her side.

I wouldn't try to push him. I would remind him gently once that if he doesn't see her before she dies it might eat up at him in the future.

retirednow · 31/01/2018 16:35

We all deal with illness and death differently, he may not want to see his mum like this and you don't want him going in if he's been drinking. Are you going to see her and is your sil. I am sorry you are going through this, as long as she is calm and comfortable I wouldn't make too much of it. Is she in hospital.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 16:37

You can't force him I'm afraid. For whatever reason he doesn't want to go. It's a really sad time for him and he's coping the way he knows best. Be kind and be there for him but ultimately it's his choice.

Sorry things are so tough for you all OP.

HollyBayTree · 31/01/2018 16:39

bluelady is right.

Original poster

ciele · 31/01/2018 16:40

Thank you for kind wishes.

OP posts:

Ploppymoodypants · 31/01/2018 16:41

Taking on board all the other responses. I might also gently suggest that SIL might need some support or a break if she has been doing most of the care. Unless there is a big back story of horrible childhoods or something, it’s seems a bit unsupportive to expect SIL to manage it all alone. I imagine she hasn’t got the luxury to just deciding not to face it.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 31/01/2018 16:43

You can’t force him, but my experience with aggressive cancer at the stage you describe is v much ‘prepare yourselves’. Does he realise that? My SiL didn’t when FiL was ill and DH and I had to tell her in no uncertain terms that he probably wouldn’t survive the night - he didn’t. Luckily DSiL got there in time.

If your DH can’t face that then that’s up to him, people deal with this stuff in different ways.

HelgasFlowers · 31/01/2018 16:43

Grief is so personal, it’s impossible to do the ‘right’ thing. It’s instinctive to want to protect yourself from the pain of it.

My DH couldn’t face going to see his DGM in hospital (and I thought he should) and I know that was because a year earlier we’d spent a week in critical care wishing another, much younger, relative would wake up. He did what he knew he could cope with, which was to wait for the phone call and go to give his DM a cuddle.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2018 16:45

Some people just aren't that close to their parents. You can tell from how much effort they make to actually visit or contact them. Very sad that he's leaving it all to SIL...but from what I see hete and IRL that's not unusual with sons.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/01/2018 16:46

My dad had form for this...

His brother was dying (who he got on well with) this was about 48 hours before he died. ... No amount of suggesting moved his perspective of 'too far-20 minutes away/need to buy milk/need to go to barber)... All nonsense... And trying to avoid the upsetting fact his brother was dying.

So we just announced we weren't joining him going somewhere else and ignoring it.... And just said we were off visiting... He then decided it was a good idea and cake with us...... Bro was very pleased to see him.

Strangely enough the correct version of event is never referred to....

Aridane · 31/01/2018 16:48

OP - YANBU.

BunsOfAnarchy · 31/01/2018 16:50

I know most will say don't push him. But as his wife I think maybe you should. There may be a time he bitterly regrets this and could easily feel like u weren't supportive enough or that you didn't care enough to really push him to go (yes men have these weird emotions too)

My hubby saw his mum every day when she was ill and dying of cancer. He was still berated by a female cousin for not seeing his mum enough...because some of those days he only saw her for 5 mins (what a bitch right?!)
I know my hubby would be full of regrets right now if he didn't see his mum as much as he could.
The night before she passed away at home I pushed him to go stay the night as he felt like she was having a bad turn. He said no at first and that he would stay till late then come home and go back in the morning. I had to put my foot down and in the end I said look I'll stay with you. We were both there when she slipped away at 8am. I don't think he would have forgiven himself if he had come home that night instead. And I know I too would have hated myself for taking a step back and not nudging him and offering to go with him.

Difference is we live 5 mins away. But even then at times I had to push him.

Yes men deal with parents, relationships and death very differently to women. But that doesn't mean they will just any less.

Just offer to go with him. Say you'll go alone regardless if he doesn't want to come. She will pass away very soon, taking a day or two out for her will not have any adverse effect on your lives. But it will have a massive effect on your mils last moments and your feelings once she passes.

And I'm so sorry you're both going through this.

Gottagetmoving · 31/01/2018 16:55

My DP couldn't face his dad's funeral and turned around and came home. Some of his family have never forgiven him.
It's a shame people can't be more understanding and realised that not everyone can cope with things the same way they would.

Begrateful · 31/01/2018 16:55

Sorry you are going through this

I understand where you’re coming from in that DH should be with his mum. I would expect the same but as pp said, people deal with loved ones dying in different ways. Be there for him but also give him space to grieve.

Angrybird345 · 31/01/2018 16:57

Its all very shit really and nothing will be good, but you just need to be there for him when the time comes.

Thinking of you.

Original poster

ciele · 31/01/2018 17:01

I’m obviously going against the grain! I find many things very hard, as I know does my SIL.
Interesting.
I will be supportive, that goes without saying but I am disappointed and would hope my DC will be more courageous when my time comes.

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 31/01/2018 17:04

My dad was the same. And so was his sister. It was my mum ironically who was with MIL at the end.

Is there anyone who could cover you for a day at your kids so that you could go? I'm sure SIL would appreciate it.

NotAgainYoda · 31/01/2018 17:08

I am wondering how much this mirrors his reaction to other stressful situations. You mention drinking...

LittleCandle · 31/01/2018 17:10

When FIL was dying, I had to summon XH home from his work offshore. He was home for several weeks, then, as the end drew nigh, announced he could stay no longer and headed off to a job in South Africa, telling MIL he wouldn't be back for the funeral. FIL died the following morning. MIL was devastated and leaned on me (quite literally) because he should have been there to organise everything for her as he was the eldest son.

When my DM was killed in a car accident, he was at home. It was more than obvious to me that if he could have been anywhere else in the universe during that time, he would have been. He did step up and support me quite a lot, but his heart clearly wasn't in it.

When MIL passed after we split up, he phoned me up and asked me all the questions that the undertaker should (and certainly was) have answered for him. Just before the service at the crem, he was in the pub having a pint. I was in the pub having coffee. He thought it was odd I wouldn't have a drink (I was drinking, which is beside the point - I wouldn't go to any funeral drunk!)

Nobody likes death or dealing with it. I understand that. However, I don't understand how you could deliberately be elsewhere when a parent is dying. I didn't understand it with XH and I don't understand it with your DH. I know there is nothing you can do about this. He has to make his own decisions, but I do hope that he won't end up regretting this.

SeaToSki · 31/01/2018 17:26

I would say that I was going to visit, and did he want to come along with me. It makes it less of a decision for him.

It can be very hard to face death and being an 'ostrich' is a well known coping mechanism. I would be trying to think of how to make the decision for him easier, less of an all or nothing choice.

That being said, if he is adamant, its probably not a good idea to force or guilt him into going.

Original poster

ciele · 31/01/2018 17:42

It is impossible for me to go alone, unfortunately. If it was I certainly would.
And it certainly isn’t possible to dissuade DH from a course of action.

OP posts:

Original poster

ciele · 31/01/2018 17:43

Or should I say ‘inaction’. That’s his modus operandi!

OP posts:

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 31/01/2018 17:45

My dad is slowly dying and I've not seen him in weeks. I'm still very angry with him for essentially bringing this all upon himself after decades of sticking his head in the sand over his failing health. The impact his own negligence has had on him and the wider family is huge, yet he thinks all should be forgiven and forgotten. That and the financial abuse.

I'm well aware that my siblings are picking up the slack, and I do feel bad for that. ive had flu for two weeks which has been a reasonable excuse, but that's wearing thin now and I know I just need to suck it up.

Maybe there's something like this going on in the background? Hopefully not

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