DH and dying MIL

[ciele]

My lovely MIL is dying. We were told before Christmas it wouldn’t be long and she is now unconscious and deteriorating rapidly.
We live in the middle of the country and DH had work in one end booked, he’s self employed.
MIL and SIL are the other end.
We were told on Tuesday MIL was very ill. I wanted DH to go and see her and also to offer support to my SIL who is doing the main amount of care.
DH has form for being extremely detached from emotions, unless drinking.
I said it was entirely his choice and he came out with what I thought were excuses why he couldn’t go and in fact took the train in the opposite direction.
Do you think AIBU?

My DH refused to visit his dying father in hospital and his mother when she was dying at home, even when I was with her nearly all day everyday.
No explanation, just refused to see either of them (they died 6 years apart). Nothing I could do about it, his choice and he had to live with that decision.

If you asked him to drive you, but on the understanding that he wasnt going to see his DM, do you think he would?

There’s no backstory to the way DH was mothered. She was perfectly good. But she did bring up some very odd children!

I'm sorry your MIL is dying. My fil has just died and dh - who has been on and off estranged and reconciled with his dad - went to visit him in hospital before Christmas, and refused to make any further contact after that.

Since FIL actually died, dh has been filled with regret. Regret that he didn't phone, visit, that he'd spent so much of his adulthood refusing contact.

There will be enough regrets anyway, even if they saw each other every day,mlived in each others pockets, there are always things unsaid and undone.

What about you though? Would you like to visit her? If so, do. With or without him.

You can't order him to go. Could you look into ways of you going without him? (Is the issue childcare, money, or your own poor health?)

My dh was very reluctant to go and see his Dad when he was dying, but I forced the issue, and made him come to the nursing home with me when we were in the UK. I needed to see fil, and ensure he was OK, as mil couldn't be trusted, and although I know dh found it hard, I think he was glad he went.

My Dad had died years earlier when I was mid 30s, and we did not get on, hadn't since I was 13, and even less so when his went off with his OW. My Mum made me go and see him when he was dying, and I was glad she did. She was concerned, not about my Dad, but about the effects on me if I hadn't gone. She was right.