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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell or not to tell

36 replies

motormummy · 31/01/2018 14:17

Hi there. My kids age 16&14, so not young any more, have been thru the wringer over the last few years. (Divorce, dad moved continents, loads more but don’t wish to bore). The new stepmum (I will call her Mum2) and my kids got on well while she and exH still lived here and knew her reasonably well over a couple of years. She was a very nice, kind, funny lady. Unfortunately she had to return to this country as she was ill, and her family are based in the same county as us. My exH had told us before Christmas that she had died, we assumed thru the illness. The death was in November. In October last year, the exH got engaged to potential wife3.
Purely by chance yesterday, (blame google) I discovered that wife2 had not died peacefully. She took her own life in a particularly violent and horrible way. I believe what she did was directly an ‘in your face’ kind of thing to the exH.
My dilemma is this: I myself am having difficulties getting my head around this. My kids knew her much better than I did. Should I tell them the brutal facts of her manner of death, or should I leave it to chance that they may find out by themselves at some point, especially as we do not live too far away from where she was based. It does not seem at all likely that exH will tell them. Opinions please.....

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 31/01/2018 14:19

How would they find out though? It was some months ago. If they find out, deal with it then but what have you got to gain by telling them except causing them possibly undue upset?

WinteryWalk · 31/01/2018 14:19

I don't see the need to tell them and wouldn't if I were you. Maybe when they're older, or more time has passed, but not now.

Babymamamama · 31/01/2018 14:20

Leave it. Definitely.

Lemontart25 · 31/01/2018 14:24

What a strange thing to want to tell your children. It's not as if it's their own mother. If you're struggling with it how on earth would you expect them to handle that? Leave well alone. Let them remember her & their relationship for the good times.

KarmaStar · 31/01/2018 14:26

There is no need at all to tell them OP.

JustWonderingNYE · 31/01/2018 14:32

I don't think OP is being 'strange' - she's worried they'll find out through means which might hurt or disturb them more.
I think for me it would depend if the kids started asking questions about it. Perhaps have an agreed plan with your exDH about what to say if it comes up?

Trinity66 · 31/01/2018 14:34

Don't tell them, why would you want to upset them like that? :/

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2018 14:39

I cannot see why you would wish to tell them this either. I'm also not sure why you were googling her. It seems strange to me.

Let it lie. If they find out, deal with it.

Begrateful · 31/01/2018 14:45

Is there a real need to offload this information on them now? Perhaps you should leave it alone so not to upset them further with the grewsome details.

Louiselouie0890 · 31/01/2018 14:50

Why would you tell them? They find out deal with it then

HollyBayTree · 31/01/2018 14:55

My exH had told us before Christmas that she had died, we assumed thru the illness.

Who made the assumptions, you and your children?

She took her own life in a particularly violent and horrible way. I believe what she did was directly an ‘in your face’ kind of thing to the exH.

Your beliefs have no baring on this whatsoever.

Effectively you've peddled your kids a cock and bull story rather than wait forsome facts to emerge. Fact: Mum2 has passed away. If you feel you simply must add to that, then do so with some more unembellished facts : Mum2 had a teminal illness and took her own life.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 31/01/2018 14:58

Of course you don't need to tell them. Quite frankly it's a bit odd that you assume she did it to get at your ex too.

Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 15:00

Do not tell them, why would you put your children through that?

Leave them be.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/01/2018 15:01

‘Peddled your kids a cock and bull story’ - what?! What on Earth do you mean holly - the OP and kids were told she had died, the OP has ‘peddled’ nothing!

choccybiscuit · 31/01/2018 15:02

I wouldn't tell them

midnightmisssuki · 31/01/2018 15:04

why do you feel the need to tell them? if they did find this out - they will go to your exhusband to ask anyway. And also - why would they find out - unless you gave them a reason to actually google this person who has died - that is not a normal thing to do btw. Why did you do it yourself?

TitaniasCloset · 31/01/2018 15:06

If they find out through someone else though, and likely they will at some point, it's going to be worse. I'm not sure what to say op

HollyBayTree · 31/01/2018 15:07

‘Peddled your kids a cock and bull story’ - what?! What on Earth do you mean holly - the OP and kids were told she had died, the OP has ‘peddled’ nothing!

Please manage to read my post in full MyKingdomForBrie - which bit of the assumption didn't you understand ? we assumed thru the illness or the projection of why the woman died? I believe what she did was directly an ‘in your face’ kind of thing to the exH

This what happened: My exH had told us before Christmas that she had died and the Op embellished it with assumptions and false interpretations. Capishe?

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2018 15:10

" I believe what she did was directly an ‘in your face’ kind of thing to the exH"

Echoing a pp, those left behind in Suicide cases don't need shit like that being thrown their way. When Chester Bennington killed himself his Wife had to come of SM because of the nasty beliefs of others, just like yours.

No you shouldn't tell them, unless you are on a personal vendetta towards your ex because of the engagement and are willing to throw your kids under the bus for it.

LagunaBubbles · 31/01/2018 15:12

If it was my children I would tell them, secrets have a horrible way of coming back to bite you and whilst Im sure they will be upset I dont feel thats a reason not to tell. They are teenagers, not young children.

Original poster

motormummy · 31/01/2018 15:14

Thank you. I had pretty much come to the same conclusion: don’t do it, I just wanted a bit of support. I cannot add any furthur details that might clarify the situation to one or two people there. I had been looking to see if there was an obituary......nothing more.

OP posts:

Eltonjohnssyrup · 31/01/2018 15:15

I get the feeling that you blame it on your ex...suicide is never someone else's fault.

Original poster

motormummy · 31/01/2018 15:42

I’m sorry, no, I don’t blame him. She ultimately made her choice. Also, as I said, I cannot give more specific details. I actually don’t know if she had a terminal illness, all I know is she came back for treatment. There is no contact between me and ExH, the kids talking to him has only started since last autumn. I sincerely wish I had not found out what happened, it’s a big lesson learned there.

OP posts:

midnightmisssuki · 31/01/2018 15:56

I am curious as to why you would google her name OP? That’s not a normal response to someone passing away..... unless there is some backstory ....

ajandjjmum · 31/01/2018 15:59

Really midnight? Maybe I'm just nosey!

I think you need to keep quiet motormummy - you don't have the full story, and the bits you know sound as if they could be very painful to your dc.

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